Ghosts of Christmas Past

Written By: Mel and LJ

OC’s: Hayden and Todd


Todd sat on the floor, his back supported by the sofa behind him. He was surrounded by numerous boxes partially filled with holiday ornaments. He loved decorating but always found the removal of festive décor depressing. He temporarily set aside the job of packing away the decorations for another year and picked up an old photo album to thumb through. Often, reviewing memories from the past raised his spirits but not necessarily at this time of year.

As far back as Todd could remember he’d suffered a mild form of depression when the excitement of the holidays faded. Even though a new year had begun, an old one had also ended. Add the prospects of a long wait until spring brought a newness to his world, and he’d found it difficult to work through the doldrums that easily overwhelmed him.

The album turned out to be one he more often than not experienced mixed feelings over. It was full of pictures from the first Christmas season after he and Hayden moved in together. They were getting used to each other’s differences and some areas hadn’t gone as smoothly as others. Todd grimaced as he recalled his partner’s reaction to him overspending. But then wasn’t that what Christmas and giving was all about? It had been to Todd’s way of thinking; although that particular view had changed over the years.

Hayden had been out on the porch removing the miles of garland from the rails and window frames. Though they’d hired a young man to put up and remove the lights decorating all the eves of the house, Hayden had enjoyed working with the beautiful evergreen garlands. The wonderful pine scent and the beauty they added to the house was well worth the expense of getting fresh ones every year and he liked the idea that they would be picked up by the garbage collector, composed and used to mulch the town park flower beds this coming spring. He placed the last piece of greenery into the large blue bin and put it out to the curb for pick up.

Now he could go in and assist Todd with the rest of the indoor décor. He knew his husband found the packing away to be a depressing job and wanted to do what he could to buoy up Todd’s spirits. Coming into the kitchen from the back entrance, he carefully hung his coat and placed his boots on the tray so no puddles of melting snow would mar the gleaming floors. He noted it was nearly noon and seemed a good time for them to take a lunch break. He quickly heated some of the beef and barley soup Todd had made the evening before and filled a tray with two steaming bowls, along with slices of fresh buttered bread and a pot of tea with the china cups and saucers Todd preferred.

Whistling a pleasant tune, he headed to the living room with tray in hand. “I’ve brought us some lunch, sweetheart!” Hayden frowned at the room which was still more decorated than not. He let out a sigh when he spotted his partner on the floor with the photo album on his lap. Placing the tray on the coffee table, he then glanced down at the page in the open book. It was a picture of their first apartment with the little tree they’d had that first Christmas together. Todd wasn’t just being nostalgic, he was reminiscing a time that led to the worst point in their mutual history.

“Hey, love, close up the book and have some soup.” Hayden was still hopeful he could distract Todd from his annual state of depression, though the look in his husband’s eyes caused that hope to deflate. This was going to take some work.

Todd snapped the album shut and gave his husband a somewhat guilty smile. “Lunch looks good, darling. Thank you.” He pulled himself over to the coffee table and began pouring tea. “All the trimmings are off the tree and it’s ready to go out to the curb once the stand is removed. I’ll get the rest packed away shortly.” He didn’t sound terribly enthusiastic.

“Hmm, just what I needed,” he murmured, settling back with a hot cup in his hands. “Is all the outside taken care off?” As yet, he’d made no attempt to eat anything.

Hayden picked up his bowl and took a mouthful of the thick hearty soup before replying. “Yes, all the garlands are down and the bows are packed into the bin for next year. I’ll help you get the rest of this packed up after lunch.”

Todd nodded but didn’t say anything as he continued to sip his tea.

After a couple of minutes, Hayden put his own soup down and reached for Todd’s tea cup. Taking it from his husband’s hand, he replaced it with the second soup bowl. “Eat, please.”

Todd pouted briefly at the loss of his tea before half-heartedly scooping up a spoonful of soup. Of their own volition, his eyes wandered back to the album and he couldn’t help remembering times past.

“Oh sorry, Hayden; I didn’t hear you. Would you repeat that, please?” Todd made a firm effort to bring his mind back to the present and focus on what his husband was saying.

Hayden reached down, took Todd’s chin in his hand and turned his head so his husband was looking directly at him. “I said to eat please. I don’t want your blood sugar dropping. After lunch, we can work together to get the rest of these decorations packed up.” He stroked Todd’s hair. “I know you hate putting away all the Christmas décor, my love, but it’s past time we got it done.”

Todd obediently swallowed a couple more mouthfuls and was surprised to find he was actually hungry. Once the meal was eaten, he piled the dirty dishes on the tray and got to his feet. Then instead of taking everything into the kitchen, he straddled Hayden’s lap and wrapped his arms around the bigger man’s neck. He was definitely in need of some cuddle time.

“We’ve had so many Christmases together, and I wouldn’t want to forget a single one because they are all so special. I glad we have pictures from each and every one of them, Hayden. And as imperfect as one or two of them may have been, I wouldn’t give any of them up. I don’t know why I find this time of year so hard. I’m just so thankful I don’t have to go through it by myself.” Todd reached up and gently kissed the lips of the man he loved more than life itself.

Hayden pulled Todd into a firm hug. “As long as I’m around, you’ll never again be alone though anything that makes you sad.” He kissed the side of his face. “You’re thinking about that first Christmas, aren’t you? It was a rough time for both of us.”

Gently tightening their arms around each other as if in search of comfort; they both allowed their minds to wander back in time.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Thirty-five years earlier:

Hayden couldn’t believe what he was looking at. They’d made a budget, discussed the need to stick to it, and here he was looking at a hundred and forty dollar cashmere sweater Todd had purchased for his assistant at the dental clinic. They’d both just begun their careers and had major student loans to pay off, and spending money like this was out of the question.

“Todd, this has got to go back. We can’t afford to spend this much on gifts for our assistants. I bought Judy a thirty-five dollar gift basket from The Body Shop, and you need to keep your gift for Kimberly in the same range.”

Although they’d met and started dating two years ago, they’d only been living together for ten months. Budgeting had been a sticky subject almost from the first. This time though, Todd figured he had good reason for spending more than they had settled upon.

“First off, it didn’t cost me as much as the price tag says. I had a fifteen percent off coupon.” Coupons had become a thing with Todd. He spent most Saturday mornings, scissors in hand, going through the various sales papers and cutting out coupons. Then he’d meticulously file them for future use.

Hayden would have considered this a worthwhile endeavour had Todd only purchase items they needed. However, such was not the case and it resulted in money being spent on things they didn’t need and would never have normally purchased. Like a month ago when Todd had arrived home with a head full of tight curls. He’d had a coupon for a free manicure provided he paid forty-five dollars for a perm. He’d successfully talked Hayden in to accepting it had been partly his fault as he’d been the one pointedly suggesting that Todd’s hair was getting too long and needed to be cut. And being as Hayden had never really pushed the issue after that, Todd merrily continued adding to his coupon collection. He’d then have to make use of any purchases in order to avoid arguing over it. This habit led to him serving up some rather strange concoctions at mealtime.

“Besides,” Todd added to his defense. “You have several family members to purchase gifts for, while I don’t have any. Overall I probably ended up spending the same amount of money as you did.”

Hayden sighed in exasperation. “Todd, fifteen percent is only a little more than the sales tax. The sweater was still well over a hundred dollars which is an awful lot to spend on a gift for your assistant. Besides you were the one who asked me to help you stick to a budget so you could pay off your loans sooner. You agreed that it would be an area where we would enforce discipline if needed. Now I’m asking you to return this sweater for something more reasonably priced.”

“I can’t return it, Hayden. It’s a one of a kind and absolutely beautiful. Kimberly is going to love it and she really deserves something this nice.” Todd leaned in closer as if divulging a big secret. “You know, her boyfriend just broke off with her,” he softly informed his partner as if there was someone else present who might overhear. “She’s going to be in for a sad Christmas and I am hoping this will help make her feel better. I’m sure my financial plans can absorb this one little extravagance. Please let me give it to her,” he implored with his blue eyes in puppy mode.

Hayden was torn. He knew he should stand firm and insist Todd return the sweater, but his lover’s mention of his lack of family left Hayden feeling guilty. Todd’s family had disowned him because of his lifestyle and Hayden had promised himself he’d do everything in his power to give him back the security and love of a family. “All right, if I let this go I want you to promise to stick to your budget for the rest of your shopping.”

“Yes!” Todd exclaimed jubilantly as he threw his arms around his partner’s neck and firmly kissed him. “I can do that! In fact, I promise you here and now I will definitely do it. No more excess spending.”

Todd kept his word and the rest of his purchases were within the price range he and Hayden had agreed to.

It was a couple of days before Christmas and the last working day for the year when Todd presented Kimberly with her gift. But during her fervent response to the sweater, Todd began to experience mixed feelings. A little voice that had been niggling at him over the last month or so, started up again. While he was thrilled with the joy the gift had brought his assistant, it was somehow tarnished by him having gotten his own way after breaking a rule. Once more he shoved the negative thoughts aside and threw himself into the happy spirit of the season.

Their first Christmas together in their little apartment was all the men could have hoped for. Friends dropped by, gifts were exchanged, Hayden’s family was visited, and they’d even helped out with serving dinner to the less fortunate at the Salvation Army kitchens.

It was a little into the New Year when Todd arrived home well after midnight. He parked his car in his allotted space at the back of the building and glanced up to notice the light on in their living room. He grimaced as he dropped his head against the steering wheel. Hayden had waited up and there was no way he’d be pleased to hear what Todd had been up to.

There was a group of so-called friends Todd had associated with since his early college days that Hayden considered disreputable and whom he’d prefer his partner not hang around with. These men had a disgraceful habit of taking advantage of Todd and their treatment of the man he loved really angered Hayden. Todd himself didn’t particularly care for these guys and had even asked Hayden to help him in dealing with them. So it became a rule that anytime these men asked Todd to join them in some activity, Todd would tell Hayden and they’d do something together so Todd would be able to say he had other plans.

Tonight, however, Todd had chosen to disobey the rule. But he had a darn good reason for doing so, or so he thought.

He slowly climbed the three flights of stairs while mentally rehearsing the whys and wherefores of his evening. Inhaling deeply to brace himself for the upcoming discussion, Todd turned the door knob and stepped into their apartment.

Hayden’s mood had been shifting from worry to fury and back again for the last three hours. He’d had to work late this evening and had informed Todd of that before leaving this morning. It wasn’t that he expected his partner to sit home alone waiting for him, but Hayden had been home since nine p.m. and it was now past midnight. All he knew of Todd’s whereabouts was from a quickly written note on the kitchen table. ‘Gone out for a while, won’t be too late. Todd’.

They’d had previous discussions about being considerate of each other and keeping the other informed of where they would be and when they expected to be home. As far as Hayden was concern, Todd’s note did not fill the bill in that category.

As he heard the door open, he drew a deep breath. He would stick to his guns on this. It was time to enforce the discipline they had both agreed upon. He looked up at Todd as he walked into the room. “Welcome home,” he said while looking pointedly at the clock on the wall.

“I’m sorry for being so late, Hayden,” Todd began with a sincere apology. “But I have a very good reason. I had barely arrived home from the clinic when Ralph and Joey showed up. They were on their way to the hospital to see Kevin and Kate who’s just become parents of a baby girl. You should have seen her, Hayden. She was so beautiful, even if she was a bit wrinkly. They named her Susannah.” He began getting excited as he talked about the baby. “I got to hold her and I wasn’t a bit afraid of her being so little.” He got a bit dreamy-eyed as he remembered the feeling of wonder while looking into the precious face on a newborn and feeling her tiny fingers wrap around his bigger one.

Releasing a sigh, he returned to the here and now. “You know, Hayden, that’s something we’re going to miss; not having a child of our own. But that’s life, huh?” Todd’s philosophical shrug did nothing to hide the bit of sadness that remained.

“Anyway,” he brightened up some to pull himself away from the unhappy thoughts, “being as it was such a special occasion, we had to take Kevin out to celebrate. I agreed to be the designated driver, so of course I didn’t drink. I did buy a couple of rounds though. The time just got away from us and by the time I dropped the guys off, it was almost midnight. When I’d first realized how late it was, it was too noisy to call you from the bar and besides, I figured you’d have already gone to bed.”

Todd sat twisting his hands as he waited for his partner’s response. Both men knew Ralph and Joey were very much inclined to only contact Todd when they wanted something. They thought nothing of shameless using Todd and taking advantage of his generous nature. This was the main reason Hayden preferred his partner avoid them at all costs.

Hayden was not impressed with Todd’s story and wanted to make that very clear from the start. “Ralph and Joey again?” he questioned. “Even after we agreed that you would not go out with them anymore? Now don’t get me wrong, I have no problem with you going to see Kevin and Kate and their new baby; I’m sure they were ecstatic about the new arrival. However, after your visit to the hospital, you should have said you had other plans and come home. Instead you find yourself not only as designated driver, but buying rounds for them. The designated driver is already contributing by driving and should not be buying rounds for the drinkers. And as far as it being too noisy to call from the bar, I’m sorry but that’s not an acceptable excuse and you know it. Nor is thinking I would actually be asleep when I had no idea of your whereabouts.”

Todd blinked at the seriousness in his partner’s voice. His mind raced with plausible reasons as to why he shouldn’t be in trouble. “But Hayden, Ralph and Joey bought drinks for Kevin too. All three of them were fairly drunk by the ending of evening. It’s a good thing I was there. You wouldn’t want a new father driving home with an inebriated person, would you? What if there’d been an accident? What if Kevin had been badly hurt or even killed? Talk about things taking a turn for the worse real fast.” Todd was sure this all made perfect sense and should exonerate him from any blame.

Hayden frowned slightly and shook his head. “Well I must offer my sincere apologies to you, Todd. You see, I was under the mistaken impression that Ralph, Joey and Kevin were all adults who were intelligent enough to know if they went out drinking without you in attendance, one of them would have to be the designated driver or baring that, they would have to…oh I don’t know, maybe take a cab home. But now that you’ve explained the situation to me, I completely understand. However, I am terribly concerned about Kate. She is obviously also mistaken about her husband’s abilities. I feel obligated now to call her and let her know the father of her child is under your care and that she daren’t trust him without you there to ensure he doesn’t get into a car with a drunken driver. That given this, perhaps she’d best not trust him with the care of their new born child.”

Todd stared at his partner in disbelief. He’d seldom heard Hayden so sarcastic and it raised his own ire. Tightly pursing his lips, he just glared for several seconds before getting to his feet and firmly stating, “If that’s your take on things, then this conversation is over. I’m going to get ready for bed.” With that, he turned on his heel and stomped off down the hall to the bathroom. He quietly shut the door and sat down on the closed toilet seat to think over what he considered an uncalled for reaction on Hayden’s part.

While it was true that Ralph and Joey probably had ulterior motives for inviting him to go to the hospital with them, they hadn’t actually coerced him into going to the club. He hadn’t been looking forward to spending the evening at home on his own and as a result had easily got caught up in the excitement of seeing the baby. He had just wanted to be included in the celebration.

‘Guess we’re both tired,’ Todd thought with a yawn. ‘Maybe if I apologize to Hayden for causing him to worry and stay up late, we can put this whole evening behind us.’ He got up to do just that as the bathroom door opened.

Hayden sighed as Todd had stormed down the hallway. He knew the minute the words had left his mouth that he’d handled the whole situation poorly. He’d let his worry and anger get the best of him and only succeeded in making things worse. His own father had chastised him in the past for his sarcastic tongue, but obviously he hadn’t learned to curb it yet. If he were to be the head of their household, he would need to control himself better. Making up his mind to correct things, he followed Todd and entered the small bathroom.

“Sweetheart, we need to talk.” Hayden could see the look of distrust in Todd’s face. He took his partner’s hand and guided him back down the hallway to the living room and over to take a seat beside him on the sofa. “I’m sorry for the way I spoke to you; sarcasm was not called for. I still do not approve of your going out with Ralph and Joey as you did; nor am I pleased about not hearing from you when you were going to be out so late. However, I should have handled it better than I did.”

More than happy to talk things over and bury the hatchet, Todd grabbed onto Hayden’s hand like it was a lifeline. Once seated, he turned to his partner and earnestly apologized. “I’m so sorry for not calling and thereby adding to your worry, darling. Although I never planned to upset you, I was happy about getting out for a couple of hours. There is only so much to keep me busy in this little apartment and I get bored when I’m here alone. But I promise the next time you work late, I’ll find a better activity to fill the time.”

Hayden felt he was allowing things to go too far without consequences, but was also feeling guilty for his poor handling of the situation from the start. “I appreciate that promise, my love, but I think this needs a little more than a promise for the next time. As I recall, you agreed if you went out with Ralph and Joey again without my permission, it would be a spanking offense.”

Todd looked up at Hayden with a shocked expression. He opened his mouth to speak but Hayden raised his hand and continued.

“Ah…let me finish first before you say anything. I’m going to allow this to pass one last time without a spanking, but I’d like you to write out in essay form at least five different strategies for coping with boredom and five ways you can avoid falling into Ralph and Joey’s traps. I want this essay written out and presented to me by tomorrow evening at nine p.m.”

Todd stifled a groan at the thought of writing an essay, although he much preferred it over the idea of a spanking. He’d had another reprieve and could hardly believe his good fortune at how lenient his partner was being. Little did he realize at the time how badly it would all come back to haunt both of them.

“All right,” he nodded, “nine o’clock tomorrow evening it is.” He reached up to gently touch Hayden’s cheek. “I know you’re tired. I am too, so can we go to bed now?”

“Of course, my love; I think we’re both in need of a good night’s sleep.”

It was while Todd was doing his assignment the next evening that uncertainties began rearing their ugly heads. His mind wandered and instead of writing on the sheet of paper in front of him, he began doodling. He’d hoped for more stability in his everyday life when he and Hayden had sent up the parameters for their relationship. It wasn’t that he wanted to be called on for his acts of impulsiveness and punished for them, it was the security he felt in knowing someone cared enough to hold him accountable and would provide him with the incentive to assume more responsibility for his actions. But this didn’t seem to be happening and small seeds of disenchantment and restlessness were beginning to take root.

Todd gave his head a shake as he made more of an effort to finish the essay he was working on. The least he could do was to obey his partner’s instruction and hand it in on time. He owed that much to Hayden after worrying him last night and he only had a little over an hour left.

The assignment had met with Hayden’s approval and the following week or so went by without incident. Unless one takes into account Todd making his student loan payment a bit late. It was becoming a bad habit but one he always managed to find a good reason for. So once again he narrowly escaped punishment by insisting the payment date had fallen on a weekend and therefore, having paid it on the Monday after, meant it should be considered on time.

It was Friday evening and the month of January was slowly sipping away. Todd was nervously filling in time by puttering around the apartment. He had been praying for a way to avoid joining Hayden for a rather formal dinner at the Pierce family home. As luck would have it, an unexpected opportunity to learn a new dental technique had provided Todd with the perfect excuse to not show up at the gathering. However, it had been rather impolite of him to have failed putting in an appearance with little more than a message about his change of plans left with Hayden’s secretary.

Todd had not wanted to attend the dinner in the first place. Hayden’s parents were unaware as yet of his sexual orientation and considered Todd only to be his good friend and roommate. Todd worried about saying or doing anything that would give their true living arrangements away. His own parents would have been appalled to know their off-spring had a partner. He just neglected to share his feelings of insecurity with Hayden.

Meanwhile, Hayden had politely explained to his parents why Todd couldn’t attend the dinner celebrating their thirtieth wedding anniversary. Although they’d accepted the excuse with their usual good grace, Hayden wasn’t feeling at all graceful towards his partner. Todd had promised to attend with him and he considered it extremely rude that his partner would back out at the last minute and then be unavailable when Hayden had called to speak to him about it.

He’d wanted to go fetch Todd and make him come along. However, the timing was such that he had no choice but to head straight to his parent’s home from the office or end up being unforgivably late. His fuming over Todd’s behaviour had taken all the joy out of the evening. Later as he was saying his good byes, his father took him aside and chastised him for being distracted and uncommunicative throughout the evening. He’d had to offer his apologies to both his parents before departing. He had climbed into his car feeling like a child who had disappointed his mommy and daddy.

Hayden walked in the door of the apartment prepared to give his partner a piece of his mind and dole out a suitable punishment for the rude behaviour. He found Todd sitting on the floor in the living room sorting through their LP collection.

“Well, I’m glad to see the records are alphabetized, even if I had to attend my parents’ anniversary dinner alone.”

Todd glanced up with a guilty expression on his face and slowly got to his feet. “I know the timing was off, Hayden, but I just couldn’t give up the chance to learn this new innovative procedure for dental implants; and one from the originator himself. It was really a once in a lifetime opportunity. Even though the head of our clinic had mentioned it earlier in the week, it only became a definite at the last minute. I’m sorry for not speaking to you about it, but I really believed it was going to fall through.” He stood, wringing his hands as he gave his excuses and sincerely apologized for not being available to participate in the festivities.

Hayden had a feeling in his gut that something was not quite right about what Todd was saying; that he wasn’t getting the full picture. But he was tired and not in the mood to try and ferret out information. He shook his head sadly. “All right, Todd. I understand about work, but I really would have appreciated you giving me the courtesy of calling earlier and in person rather than a quick message left with my secretary. Besides I missed you this evening; it wasn’t the same without you at my side.”

Todd kept his mouth tightly closed as he followed Hayden down the hall and into their bedroom. He almost blurted out how much he too would have preferred to spend time with his partner; just not at a party where he’d have been uncomfortable. He was mindful of his tendency to be a little outrageous at times and although Hayden had accepted this part of his personality, not everyone was as amiable. Hayden understood a lot of it was a front of sorts for Todd to hide behind, but even he was unaware of all the complexities of his partner’s insecurities.

Lying in bed later, Hayden wondered if he shouldn’t have pushed Todd to discuss things more this evening. He was supposed to be in charge and should have dealt with things more openly, shouldn’t he?

Things seemed to deteriorate further during the coming week. Todd didn’t realize it was his own guilty feelings making him misread how things stood. He saw it as him and Hayden drifting further apart; as Hayden becoming distant and not as observant as he once was. The new coat Todd had purchased a couple of weeks ago was ample proof of that; at least to Todd’s way of thinking.

Todd’s last paycheque had included his sixth month raise and was a bit higher than they had expected or hoped for. While waiting for the increase, Hayden had suggested the extra money go directly on Todd’s student loan in order to pay it off even faster, thus saving some of the interest. Todd had giving the impression he agreed; however, such was not the case.

It had been a subconscious desire to provoke Hayden that had enticed him to buy the expensive leather coat he’d long had his heart set on. Clothes were important to Todd and the coat he’d been making do with for the last couple of years was a cheap imitation of the one he really fancied.

Unfortunately, Hayden still hadn’t commented on Todd’s new acquisition. Both coats were very similar in appearance and quite likely Todd, with his slightly more discerning tastes, was the only one to detect what to him, were very obvious differences. Hayden’s failure to notice only added to Todd’s feelings that the older man wasn’t going to hold him to account the way he’d promised to.

With the knot in his stomach growing with each passing day, Todd came to the conclusion that he could no longer live like this.

************

Hayden wandered aimlessly through the university district for the third day in a row. He kept hoping to find Todd in all the places they used to frequent, but no one had seen him. He’d even contacted Ralph, Joey and Kevin but they all claimed ignorance as to Todd’s whereabouts. Hayden suspected they were lying to him but got nowhere while questioning them; if anything he suspected he’d only alienated them further.

The owner of the dental practice where Todd had been working was also concerned about where the young dentist had vanished. He’d shown Hayden the letter of resignation Todd had left, but it gave no clue as to where he intended to go.

Hayden had made a trip to the post office when all mail addressed to Todd ceased coming to the apartment. He’d been informed that Todd had paid to have his mail forwarded to a new address but the post office could not divulge that forwarding address to anyone.

It was a typical cold, wet January evening and Hayden was chilled to the bone as his wanderings took him past Sparks, the off-campus lesbian pool hall and bar run by huge old dyke named Delia. Hayden had met Delia during his first year of college through the small group of gays and lesbians students who were trying to find a place to meet. She’d happily lent them her back room at the pool hall and taught them about all the places they could go to be safe and meet other gay and lesbian people in the city. Vancouver was pretty liberal as Canadian cities went in the seventies, but still one had to be cautious.

Though Sparks was mostly a lesbian hangout, gay men had always been welcome and Hayden needed some place to dry off and get a drink before he continued his search for his missing lover.

Being a Friday night, the place was busy. Hayden found a stool at the bar and ordered a beer. He looked around and saw a few people he knew casually but none whom he thought could lead him to Todd. He’d been nursing his beer for a while when a familiar voice called him.

“Hayden love, what brings you out here in a Friday night? And where is your beloved other half?”

Hayden looked up into Delia’s smiling face. “Hello, Delia. I was in the neighbourhood and thought I’d get a drink before heading home. How are you?”

Delia frowned as she studied Hayden’s face. “I’m better than you are apparently. You look like something the cat dragged in.”

Hayden grimaced. “Just a bit tired. It’s pretty wet outside so it’s hard to keep up my best appearance.”

“Don’t bullshit me, young man.” Delia took the beer from Hayden’s hand. “In my office; I think you and I need to talk.”

Hayden considered refusing. He even considered just saying goodnight and heading out the door, but he couldn’t be that rude to this lady he respected. Reluctantly he followed the large woman from the crowded bar room and down a narrow hallway to a door marked ‘Private’.

The office was nothing like he would have expected. It was painted in a soft green with furnishings of a French-Provincial decor upholstered in floral damask. Delia indicated a small sofa. “Give me your coat and have a seat. I’ll get you some coffee.”

Once settled on a chair across from the sofa and with coffee cup in hand, Delia looked at Hayden with a more appraising eye. “So what’s happened with you, Hayden? You obviously haven’t slept in days and don’t think I didn’t notice that you ignored my question about Todd. Where is the silly boy?”

For the first time since he’d found Todd’s note, Hayden felt tears welling up and spilling out of his eyes. Delia’s forthright question seemed to set off a chain reaction of emotion. Within seconds, Delia was beside him on the couch and putting tissues into his hand.

When he was finally able to form words, Hayden replied. “Todd left me. I don’t even know where to find him. All I’ve been doing for the last three days is searching for him, but he’s gone.”

“Oh my dear, what have you done to send that boy off running? He’s mad for you. Anyone can see that and I don’t think for a moment he’s fickle. Now he didn’t find you with some other boy, did he?”

Hayden shook his head. “No...no, there is no one else. It’s my fault. I’ve messed things up so badly that he doesn’t want me anymore.”

Delia let Hayden cry things out for a few minutes, knowing he needed the release of emotion. She spoke once he’d calmed down enough to hear her words. “I think you need to tell me just how you think you messed up with Todd; the whole story.”

Hayden wasn’t even sure where to begin, nor was he sure of exactly what had gone wrong; only that he was at fault. Hayden talked about their lives together, about difficulties with money and responsibilities, about long working hours and family. How he wanted to provide Todd with the security and love he hadn’t had since his family had rejected him. However, he didn’t mention anything about the discipline aspects of their relationship, feeling it was too private a subject for discussion with Delia.

Delia listened attentively to Hayden’s words; to everything he was saying, but more importantly to what he wasn’t saying. Hayden came to the last of it, telling her about the note he’d found and his fruitless search for his partner.

“Now I’d like to hear the whole story. Not this sanitized version you’d give to your parents, but the real one; the one that talks about the type of relationship you and Todd have. You’ve radiated ‘Top’ from the first time I met you as an undergrad and Todd was totally smitten by that power in you. He’s a sweet sensitive boy who needs someone to guide him, not some overbearing Top who wants to crush him. So, Hayden Pierce, talk to me about what’s gone wrong with your topping that boy.”

Hayden was startled by Delia’s insight and directness.

“I...I don’t know, Delia. I really don’t know,” he murmured. “I don’t think I’ve been too harsh with him. I...we made an agreement on certain expectations. I tried very hard to be understanding about things when they haven’t been lived up to. I don’t know what else I should have done.”

Delia sighed. She thought she could see the problem but needed more information. “Give me some examples of these expectations and when you’ve had to deal with them.”

Hayden went on to describe several of the times Todd had broken the rules they had set up and what, if any, consequences Hayden had imposed upon him.

After the third example, Delia called a halt to the dissertation. “Enough. Hayden, you’ve left that boy spinning and confused. You thought you were being understanding, when what you were being was inconsistent and confusing. Todd needs and wants security and structure; not a Top who wimps out at the slightest complaint from his Brat.”

Hayden looked up startled. “Brat? Todd might be a bit difficult at times but calling him a brat is hardly necessary.”

Delia laughed. “Brat isn’t an insult, dear. It’s a term used to describe the role Todd plays in your type of relationship. You’re the Top; the one who takes control, provides the structure and metes out discipline when needed. Todd is the Brat. He lives within your rules and accepts your authority, and in turn gets the security he needs.” She gave Hayden’s hand a squeeze. “Most unfortunately, my dear, you have not been fulfilling your role very well at all. You need some serious lessons in the role of a Top.”

Hayden allowed Delia’s words to sink in and knew with sudden certainty that they were true. He hadn’t failed Todd by being overbearing as he’d feared; he’d failed him by not enforcing those rules and expectations they had agreed to in the first place.

“You seem to know a lot about this sort of thing,” Hayden commented.

Delia smiled. “Sharon has been my Brat for nineteen years now. It’s not something we generally advertise or discuss with others. However, once in a while we meet another couple who we see shares our same desires. I’ve seen that in you and Todd. I should have spoken to you sooner, but this is not something I’ve generally done with male couples. We’ve mentored several lesbian couples over the years and I think it’s time to bring our first males into the fold.”

“Thank you for your offer, Delia, but I don’t even have a partner right now. I’ve been looking for Todd for days but he seems to have vanished completely.”

“You’ll find him eventually, love. In the meantime, you and I are going to work on sharpening up those Top skills of yours. When you do find that errant little boy of yours, you’ll be able to give him what he needs.”

Hayden somewhat reluctantly agreed to spend every Sunday for the near future with Delia and her partner. Delia wanted him to learn from both of them and to see firsthand how a well-managed, power exchange relationship worked. Though he never witnessed Sharon receiving any corporal punishments, as that was strictly private between the two, he did learn a lot by watching how they interacted. It was Sharon’s open and honest talks about her needs and feelings that gave Hayden true insight into the needs of a Brat.

Though Hayden seemed to be taking in everything they were showing him, Delia was growing more and more concerned about him as the weeks went by. He put on a good show publicly, but she could see he’d lost weight and was just not his usual self. Hayden was broken-hearted and not getting over it very well at all.

She’d put out the word to everyone she knew in the LGBT community to inform her immediately if they learned anything about Todd’s whereabouts, but it had been almost two months now without a word. “If I find that boy, I swear I’ll spank him myself,” she muttered after seeing Hayden out after the seventh Sunday spent with him.

She looked at Sharon. “I think it’s time to help find someone new for Hayden. He can’t go on like this and I think a distraction of a new boy might be the only thing to pull him out of this funk he’s in. Finding Todd would be my first choice, but I’m beginning to fear that won’t happen.”

************

Todd was curled into a ball in the corner of the dingy sofa. He wished he’d had the foresight to take his own furniture with him when he’d left. But that had been impossible at the time as he had left in such a hurry and hadn’t wanted anyone to know where he was going. Of course at the time he had no idea himself as to where he was going. Since that fateful day, he’d certainly had plenty of time to think through all the events that had led up to his leaving the way he did.

They had repeatedly gone over the premise for the type of relationship they both wanted; one that was to involve discipline, including spanking when called for. Rules and consequences had been discussed and agreed upon. Hayden had promised to help Todd reach for and attain goals in his life. But they had spent months just spinning their wheels and getting nowhere.

Todd assumed Hayden had changed his mind but didn’t know how to tell him, so their lines of communication slowly dissolved to the point where they seemed to have stopped sharing their thoughts and feelings.

It wasn’t that Todd wanted to be physically punished; he wasn’t into pain. But he remembered when the subject first came up and how the caring aspect had hit a previously unknown core of Todd’s rudimentary nature.

As a child, he had often been threatened with a sound spanking, but it had never materialized as he’d always been able to talk himself out of trouble. As he got older, he began to wonder if quite possibly his parents didn’t think he was worth the effort and he firmly believed it had something to do with his sexual inclinations.

The same technique that had worked to keep him from being spanked as a youth also appeared to have succeeded in his not being physically disciplined by Hayden. So Todd once again assumed it was because he wasn’t worth the effort and decided to end their partnership before Hayden did.

He cringed when he thought of the hastily written note he had stuck on the refrigerator moments before walking out the door. It had simply read: ‘Sorry, but this isn’t working. I can’t handle it any longer. I’m setting you free.’ If only he had got up the nerve to talk to Hayden before making such a drastic, heart-breaking decision. Instead, he had given up the job he enjoyed immensely, the friendships he had cultivated, and most importantly, the life he had desperately wanted and needed with the love of his life.

He looked around the gloomy basement flat that served as his abode. He couldn’t be bothered turning on the lamp even though the fading sun resulted in the room growing darker by the minute. He felt totally drained.

It had been two months now and he still cried over the world he’d left behind. His present place of employment left a lot to be desired as did this horrid little bed-sitter he lived in. And he missed Hayden terribly.

“What a miserable way to spend a Friday evening,” Todd complained to the empty room. He glanced down at the notice in his hand. His student loan payment was late again. “So who cares?” he muttered as he tossed it on the unpaid bills piling up on the end table beside him. “Maybe things will be better tomorrow,” he wistfully mused, nurturing a false hope in there being something to make life worth living.

Reaching for blanket on the back of the sofa, he wrapped it tightly around his body and cried himself to sleep. It was something he had perfected after two months of practise.

************

Saturday dawned bright and sunny with a warming breeze gently blowing. A rapidly approaching Spring was in the air and it motivated Todd to get out and hit the road in search for a little solace.

He drove through the streets of Victoria without a destination in mind, unexpectedly arriving at the terminal crossing to Vancouver. There was a ferry about to leave the dock and without giving it a second thought, Todd paid the fare and drove on.

Mid-afternoon found him meandering through the familiar walkways surrounding the grounds of the University of British Columbia. It hadn’t been too long ago that he’d been a dental student here.

For a short time, Todd felt his spirits lifting; so many happy recollections here, so dreams made and realized. He came to a halt in front of a favourite haunt; a local coffee shop. Memories came rushing forward as he stared in the window. They were almost crushing him with their intensity. This was where he had been introduced to Hayden over two years ago.

“I know you think he’s a dreamboat and you’re anxious to get together with Hayden Pierce but bear in mind, Todd, the man’s somewhat reticent; especially compared to you.” Howie had tried to prepare him for another rejection.

“Are you saying I’m overly sociable, genial, or demonstrative? Even a bit of an extrovert, maybe?” Todd had joked with his friend.

“Geesh, man, are you kidding? You’re not only all of the above but also extravagant as well as sometimes just plain outrageous. Hey, but I still love ya.” Howie had wrapped an arm around Todd’s shoulders and given him an encouraging squeeze.

“All I can say to that is what you see is what you get. I can’t hide who I am so why should I even try?” Todd was putting on a brave front. He really wanted this handsome man he was about to meet, to like him. For months he had been deliberately detouring through buildings not at all associated with dentistry in order to catch a glimpse of this particular law student whom he had his heart set on.

Todd smiled sadly as he thought of that first meeting, briefly thinking if it had not taken place he would not now be suffering from a broken heart.

Hayden had decided to go for a walk in hopes the fresh Spring air would make him feel better. Having walked for almost an hour, he headed to Tasha’s coffee shop for a cup of his favourite brew.

A lone figure staring into the shop window made him freeze in place some yards from the door. The colour of the hair, the stance, and the profile were unmistakable. Part of him considered turning around and leaving. He was almost afraid to finally see Todd after all this time, but he knew he could never leave. He had to speak to him; to at least tell him he missed him.

Pulling upon every bit of courage, he walked up beside Todd and waited to be acknowledged.

About to turn away, Todd caught sight of a reflection that was not his own. His eyes filled as he spun around in hope that the image was real. He caught his breath when he saw the man he had been thinking of, standing before him. It was a man whose face was haggard and worn with sorrow; a man who looked much older than Todd knew him to be.

“Oh Hayden,” Todd managed to breathe out as he tenderly ran his fingertips over the day-old beard covering his beloved’s jawline. “You haven’t been taking very good care of yourself,” he choked, the tears which had been threatening now trickling unchecked down his cheeks.

Hayden was momentarily tongue-tied but finally managed to choke out, “I’ve been missing you.” Todd seemed to look as miserable as he was feeling. Deciding he had to make the first move, he asked, “Can I buy you a cup of coffee?”

Todd chewed on his bottom lip in an attempt to get control of his emotions. He was unable to speak for fear that in opening his mouth he'd end up crying and possibly embarrassing both of them. He was unaware that his deep abiding love for this man was evident in his countenance and body language. He merely nodded his acceptance.

Hayden held open the door of the coffee shop and waited as Todd preceded him inside. He had to hold back his arm from its’ automatic desire to move to the small of Todd’s back and guide him to a table. Instead he followed Todd to a booth by the window and took a seat opposite to him.

Deciding to start off with safe, non-personal conversation, he gave Todd a smile. “How have you been?”

Todd caught himself from following his first instinct which was to just sit there and stare into Hayden's face. He shrugged in hopes of maintaining as casual an impression as the man sitting across from him was sending. “I’ve been doing well. I got a new job and a nice apartment,” he lied, looking down at his hands tightly folded on the table and secretly wishing Hayden would pick up on the unspoken truth. But hey, the man wasn't a mind-reader and Todd was at yet unable to admit the truth. “How have you been?” he asked as if it wasn’t obvious.

Hayden recognized that Todd was hiding something and he wondered if he should call him on it. But it had been two months and their relationship was not what it had been. However, he also knew that if they ever did get back together, he wouldn’t put up with Todd hiding things or lying to him ever again.

“I’ve been okay. I’m glad you’ve been doing so well. Though I know Dr. Bloomberg was pretty upset with the way you left, it’s good to know you were able to find another job.” He hesitated for a moment before asking the question that had been plaguing him. “Where are you living and working? I know it’s not been in Vancouver.”

“I moved to Victoria. It’s not quite as big a city but I’m settling in. I’m sorry about Dr. Bloomberg. I know I should have given him more notice, but at the time I just felt the need to make a change as quickly as possible. I wish things could have been so different,” Todd murmured this last sentence in a voice that sounded full of regret and sadness.

Hayden shook his head. He hadn’t thought of Todd moving to the island, though it should have occurred to him as he’d always loved the picturesque city of Victoria. He suddenly felt the need for openness had to start with him.

“I wish I could have been a better partner for you. I’m so sorry that I failed you as I did, but I didn’t get much of a chance to talk to you about it, leaving as you did. I wish...” His thoughts were interrupted by the arrival of the waitress.

“What can I get you?” she asked.

Hayden looked up. “Just coffee for me,” he replied, wanting to get rid of her as quickly as possible.

Knowing the woman was waiting, Todd hastily ordered the same with extra cream and sugar. Once they were alone again, he leaned in and softly assured Hayden he’d been the best of partners. “I felt as if I had somehow failed you, Hayden; not the other way around.”

Hayden was tired of beating around the bush. He wanted answers even if they were answers he wouldn’t like. “Why then...why did you leave like you did? I have my theory but I’d like to hear it from you.”

Todd sipped on his drink that had just arrived and gathered his thoughts. “As good as most things were, there were also a few major issues being skirted around,” he started out slowly. “I thought we had discussed in detail the type of relationship that would work best for us, but then we never seemed to actually get it off the ground. It was my fault, Hayden. I should have tried harder to stick to the rules we had both agreed on. I knew if I didn’t leave, you’d easily talk me into staying and nothing would change. I felt so uncertain. I thought you had changed your mind because you discovered I was just too much to handle.” He paused as his eyes filled once again. “I was afraid,” he whispered.

Hayden grimaced at Todd’s words. There was honesty and openness that they should have had before. “You’re right in the first part of what you said. We never did get the discipline aspects of our relationship off the ground. But you’re wrong when you say it was your fault. The fault lies entirely with me in that area. I didn’t live up to my side of the agreement. I let you down, Todd. It had nothing whatever to do with how hard you tried to stick to the rules and you were never too much to handle. I should have stood firmly, but I didn’t. I let things go that I never should have.” He shook his head sadly. “You had every reason to be afraid. I wasn’t giving you what you needed to make you feel secure and safe and loved. I’m so sorry for that failure.”

“Do you think there is any hope of us giving it another chance, Hayden?” Todd quietly inquired, praying with all his might for an affirmative response.

Hayden paused. It was a loaded question that needed a thoughtful reply. Though his heart was crying out yes, a small voice in his head told him to be careful. He was still hurting badly from the break up and the way Todd had left him. He was just beginning the healing process from that and didn’t know if he could take it happening again. But then as he gave it further thought he knew that simply by asking, Todd was saying he too had been as miserable and unhappy as Hayden had been. The break up hadn’t been good for either of them. Hayden knew however, that he’d have to be a different kind of partner than he had been. He’d have to be the kind of partner, the kind of top he’d learned about in his time with Delia. He would need to be firm with Todd and stick to his guns no matter how much Todd tried to persuade him otherwise.

Giving a small smile, Hayden replied. “Yes, I do think there is hope. However, we need to talk things through and be very sure where we both stand. I won’t go ahead unless we are both comfortable with what we want and need.” He reached across the table and stroked Todd’s hand. “Would you like to come back to the apartment where we can talk in private?”

Todd reluctantly withdrew his hand, worried about it being seen as intimate. Although it thrilled him, others might have less favourable thoughts about two men getting too personal. “I’d really like that, Hayden. We do need to talk and this isn’t the place to do it.” Pushing away his unfinished mug of coffee, he got up and waited for Hayden to do the same.

“My car isn’t far from here. I’ll go get it and follow you,” Todd suggested. A moment’s thought had him asking, “You do have your car, right?”

Hayden shook his head. “No, I walked. Can I hitch a ride with you?”

Todd grinned. “Of course.”

They drove back to the apartment, keeping the conversation to the weather and other mundane topics; neither man wanting to get into the important discussion until they were somewhere without distraction.

When they got to their destination, Todd went to park his car on the street until Hayden spoke up. “Your spot is still there; I haven’t cancelled it.”

Todd turned to look at Hayden and his eyes shone with tears. “Hayden, I...thank you,” was all he could say, as for some reason that small thing seemed to overwhelm him. He turned the car into the driveway and pulled up beside Hayden’s Toyota.

They made their way up to the small apartment on the top floor; the building was only three stories high and had no elevator. Hayden had cursed the stairs when they’d moved in and had to carry all the furniture up them, but Todd had turned the little space into a comfortable home.

Hayden unlocked the door and allowed Todd to precede him inside. He cringed slightly as the untidy living room with newspapers on the coffee table, a sweater tossed over the chair and socks lying on the floor. Todd had always kept the place so neat.

“I’m sorry for the mess. I...well I wasn’t expecting...” He began to pick up the papers and stack them.

Todd stood silently gazing around the flat he had once called home. When he finally became aware of what Hayden was doing and saying, he couldn’t stop himself from softly chuckling at the man’s unnecessary apologizing. “Let it go, Hayden. This place looks a lot better than mine does.”

He walked over to the sofa and sat down. Patting the seat beside him, Todd invited Hayden to join him. “We’re here to talk, remember? It would be easier to do if you weren’t fluttering around trying to tidy up.”

Hayden chuckled. Todd could be awfully bossy for a Brat. ‘Brat’, he thought it was funny that a few weeks ago he’d have never thought of Todd using that term, but after his time with Delia and Sharon it seemed to fit. He put down the stack of papers and sat on the couch beside Todd. “Of course we are here to talk, and that’s just what we’re going to do. I need to start off by telling you about an experience I’ve had over the last while. I spent some time with Delia and her partner, Sharon.”

“Really?” Todd asked, his curiosity beginning to rise.

“Yes, and it’s been very enlightening and informative. I stopped at Sparks one evening and Delia seemed to know right away that something wasn’t right with me. The next thing I knew, I was in her office telling her all my troubles. I found myself being told off and rightly so, for failing to be the kind of partner I promised you I would be. It seems Delia knows all about discipline relationships first hand. She and Sharon took me under their wings as it were, and taught me about what a good one is like. And about the role of a Top, that’s me, and a Brat, that’s you, within the relationship.”

“Did I hear you correctly?” Todd’s eyes flashed with indignation. “Did you just refer to me as a Brat?” He was about to get to his feet, but the pressure of a large hand on his arm curtailed him. “You better have a good explanation for calling me that.” He reluctantly settled back down to hear what Hayden had to say next.

“It doesn’t mean what you think it does. In this type of relationship the term is used to refer to the partner who consents to give authority to the Top. It is never meant to be derogatory; it’s a term of affection. It’s also possessive, as in Sharon is Delia’s Brat. Within power exchange relationships that has a lot of meaning. The Brat gives control of certain agreed upon aspects of their lives over to the Top. It is a gift of incredible meaning that is to be cherished and never abused. It is what you and I were trying to create before, but we didn’t have the right framework to make it workable. Now if we were to get together again, I have a better understanding of my role as the Top and hopefully can give you the security and comfort you want. I’m not saying it will be easy but I think with time, effort and a lot of talking, we can come to terms with what we both want. I for one do want to have the final say and be the authority within my partnership. I want and need a partner who is willing to give me that control, to let me cherish and protect him from the outside world and when needed, from himself. Part of that protection would involve the meting out of discipline, if he were to break the rules we’d set up within our relationship. I know we agreed to that before and I failed to follow through. What I thought as being lenient was in fact being weak, and I left you floundering and wondering where you stood.”

Hayden paused for a moment and chewed his lip as he gathered the courage to say what was in his heart. “Todd, I know I failed you before, but I do love you. I think I’ve loved you from the first day we met and I’ve missed you more than I can begin to say. If you’d be willing to work with me and trust me to be your partner and your Top, I can promise you I will do everything I can to give you a secure, loving relationship. I can’t promise to be soft and let you away with things. I will likely be very strict, but I will always try to be fair and will always be willing to hear you out and give you only such discipline to which you have agreed.”

Todd had calmed immediately upon hearing Hayden tell him ‘Brat’ was a term of affection, and had listened attentively to all the other man had to say. He had been nodding his head off and on throughout the carefully-worded dialogue. Tears were flowing freely by the time Hayden finished speaking.

“You’re-you’re giving me another chance? You’re giving our relationship another chance?” he managed to stutter out, almost afraid he had misunderstood. Getting a confirmatory nod and seeing the love in Hayden’s eyes, encouraged Todd to open his mouth and earnestly pour out his deepest feelings.

“I still love you, Hayden, with all my heart. I never stopped loving you; not for a single moment. I missed you dreadfully over the past two months. You have no idea how much I’ve regretted taking off and not talking to you first. I was just so confused.” He smiled through his tears and reached out to tenderly pat Hayden’s cheek. “I really would like the opportunity to be your ‘Brat’. In fact, I’d be honoured. And I trust you implicitly to be my ‘Top’. I truly believe by working together, however hard it may be, we’ll get it right this time. I think the most important promise we can make to each other is to keep the lines of communication open and to share our thoughts and feeling honestly. I failed to do that so time, and for that I am extremely sorry.” Todd’s voice cracked as he threw himself into Hayden’s arms.

Hayden sighed in contentment as he held Todd for the first time in months. It felt so right to have this man back in his arms again. “It’s all right, my love, we’re going to work it out. We have a lot to deal with but we can do it.” He placed gentle kisses on the side of Todd’s neck.

The two sat just holding each other for several minutes, allowing themselves time to revel in the moment. Hayden finally broke the silence. “You said you’d been in Victoria. Do you have a job there? Have you joined a dental practice?”

“Yes, I found work right away due to a member of the staff having just left. It seems this particular clinic has a fast turnover of young dentists and it wasn’t too hard to figure out why. They have a list of problem patients they sucker the newbies into taking. I’ve been bitten, kicked and punched more in the last couple of months than in my whole life. And some of the patients must have had a morbid fear of toothbrushes or something. I bet cleaning a septic tank would have smelled better than some of the mouths I’ve had to look in. I hate it there.” Todd’s list of complains seemed justified, even if a bit exaggerated. “I’m still on my three-month trial, so either I can leave or they can let me go with little to no notice. I’d sure like to get my old job back. At least I left on good terms.”

Straddling Hayden’s lap, Todd ever so lightly ran his fingertips over the other man’s face. “Of course, there’s no point in my considering a job change unless you say I can move back in here with you. May I?” Hopefulness mixed with a little uncertainty shone from his baby blue eyes as he gazed pleadingly into Hayden’s.

“I would love for you to return, Todd. As far as I’m concerned, this is still your home. Heck, almost half the furniture in here is what you brought from your student apartment.” Hayden looked at his watch. “It’s far too late to try and get all the way to Victoria and back today. With tomorrow being Sunday, it would be nice if we could get up early in the morning and catch the first ferry across to the island to collect your things. However, you’d need to contact your employer. Even without having to give much notice, just not showing up for your appointments Monday morning, would hardly be acceptable.”

Todd grimaced before replying. “There is no fear of that. The job isn’t exactly regular hours. I usually get about twenty-five hours a week and it so happens, I don’t have any appointments until Tuesday afternoon. So I could give my notice by phone first thing Monday morning, giving them time to get one of the other staff to fill in or rearrange the appointments.”

“With so few hours how were you managing to pay for an apartment and your student loans?” Hayden asked with concern.

“I guess I should prepare you for a couple of things you more than likely will not be too pleased about. First off, my apartment; you’ll see soon enough that it’s far from being well-appointed and not in the best of neighbourhoods. Secondly, I’ve fallen behind on my student loans.” Although Todd wanted to be up front about his situation, he was too embarrassed to bring up his having acquired and maxing two new credit cards, so he opted out for changing the subject. “I sure could use your help getting my stuff back here. On the drive there, my small car was packed to the point of almost making driving dangerous and I bought a few things since then in an effort to make my flat a bit more inhabitable.”

Hayden’s heart was aching as Todd described his living conditions. He hated the idea of this normally fastidious man living like that and working at a job that was obviously less than desirable. He was also concerned about just how far Todd was behind on his loans. However, he didn’t want to make an issue of that at this moment in time. But one thing was for sure, Todd was not going back to Victoria without him. He wasn’t going to let his lover out of his sight until he was safely living back at home with him.

Wrapping his arms around Hayden’s shoulders, Todd half-wishfully suggested, “Right now, I would really like to you to make love to me, Hayden.”

Hayden pulled Todd into a crushing hug. “I want you so much.” Kissing Todd forcefully, he opened his lips with his tongue and began to ravage his mouth, needing to again take possession of what was his. Todd’s mouth was always sweet and clean; to Hayden, he was like honey to a bee.

A few minutes later, the two men were in the bedroom stripping off clothes as quickly as possible. Standing at the foot of the bed, Hayden pulled Todd’s nude form against his and ran his hands down the slim back before grasping the nicely rounded buttocks he’d always loved. He kneaded the firm flesh in his fingers as he again ravaged the sweet mouth with his tongue. Then he pushed Todd onto the bed and stood for a moment looking down at him. The other man was roused and hard with a need Hayden had every intention of taking advantage of it. He kneed Todd’s legs apart where they hung off the end of the bed, then bent over and licked the ridged member.

Todd grasped the bedcover with his fists and let out a groan at the feel of Hayden’s tongue working up and down, licking and sucking in just the right places. It had been too long and he couldn’t contain himself when Hayden wrapped his mouth fully around his penis and drew it all the way into his throat. Todd let out a keening wale as he exploded into his lover’s mouth.

Hayden pulled away grinning like the cat who’d swallowed the canary. “Move up all the way on the bed,” he instructed as he quickly grabbed lube from the bedside table. He had to chuckle when Todd shoved the bedcover away so that he was lying on the sheets. Only Todd would be worried about messing up the bedspread at a moment like this. Hayden crawled up on the bed and knelt between Todd’s splayed legs.

“I’m going to take you, boy, long and hard. I’m going to make you mine again!” Hayden lubricated his fingers and slid first one, then two into Todd’s tight rosebud. He took his time stretching and lubricating him, regularly scraping his finger over the little nub inside until Todd’s softened member began to grow hard again. Once he was sure Todd was ready, he oiled up his own straining penis and slid it deep inside his lover’s body with one firm push.

Todd gasped at the sharp pain of the sudden intrusion before it rapidly changed to pleasure as Hayden began to move in and out.

At first Hayden moved slowly, but within a few moments he was thrusting hard and fast. He wanted Todd to feel this for some time and to be sure to whom he belonged. He was never going to let him go again. From this moment forward, their relationship was going to be different and it was going to be better.

Hayden had every intention of keeping Todd with him and happy for the rest of their lives. He held off as long as he could to make this as good for Todd as for himself. It wasn’t until he could see his lover was once again ready to come that he grasped Todd’s penis in his hand and pulled him over the edge with him. Hayden screamed out his climax, coming deeply inside Todd. Then he collapsed over Todd’s body, panting hard.

“Who do you belong to, Todd?” he gasped out as soon as he could talk.

Todd smiled dreamily as he lay beneath the large man whom he loved with all his heart. “I belong to you and only you, my love; forever and always.” He breathed deeply, willing his spent strength to return to his body. “That was marvellous, Hayden, and once we’re able to do so, we’ve got to shower and then do it again. We have a lot of catching up to do.” He chuckled softly at the look of disbelief on his partner’s handsome face and decided he better reassure him. “But it doesn’t have to be all in one night, of course.”

************

Todd sat toying with the unopened mail in his hands and worked at convincing himself that tonight was the night. He had finally reached the point of admitting to having backed himself into a corner and was just coming to grips with the fact that the only way out was through Hayden, who would be arriving home momentarily.

It had been almost two weeks since he and Hayden had made the trip to Victoria to clear out Todd’s little apartment. At the time, Hayden had been so caught up in the first wave of shock at seeing the place; he hadn’t noticed Todd hastily slipping a few folded envelopes into his jacket pocket.

To say the older man had been less than impressed with his partner’s temporary home would definitely be an understatement. If the muttering Hayden did during the packing was anything to go by; dismayed, appalled, and possibly disgusted better described his feelings. At least that was the distinct impression Todd got even though they hadn’t actually discussed it.

Once the two cars had been loaded with all Todd’s personal belongings, Todd had taken the key upstairs to the landlord. Mr. Johnston had been sorry to see him go and had generously returned his tenant’s damage deposit, acknowledging that Todd was leaving the apartment in better condition than he had found it. It wasn’t a lot of money, but it was enough to cover the costs incurred in moving Todd back to the mainland.

Aside from going to work, Hayden and Todd had been all but attached at the hip to each other since Todd’s return home. Todd’s position at the dental clinic was still available and he’d been welcomed back with opened arms. His abilities had always been appreciated; particularly his gift to gently calm anxious patients, most notably with young children.

Hayden had also been able to work his magic and he’d fixed the problem with Todd’s student loans by paying the overdue interest and having the outstanding principle added to the end of the remaining balance.

There was only one dark cloud looming overhead; the two credit cards Todd had acquired when living on his own. While not overly large amounts, the total of five hundred dollars seemed overwhelming to Todd. The embarrassment that had prevented him from telling Hayden up front what he’d done was now being overshadowed by guilt, and although he had a plan for paying off both cards, he knew he’d broken his side of their agreement by not disclosing everything to his partner.

Todd glanced up at the sound of the front door opening and softly closing. He barely managed to return the smile Hayden sent him upon walking into the living room.

Hayden had arrived home smiling every day since Todd’s return. Life was good and things felt right again. That was until he walked in the door this evening. His internal radar went off the second he saw the look on Todd’s face. The smile that didn’t reach his eyes, the pale complexion and stiff body spoke of a troubled Todd. And however much he wanted to blurt out ‘what’s wrong’; he also wanted to give Todd the opportunity to unburden himself without having it dragged out of him.

“Hello, my love. How are you?” Hayden asked, keeping his voice neutral as he bent over and gave his lover a kiss.

Todd returned the kiss somewhat inattentively and gazed up into his partner’s gentle blue eyes. Taking a deep breath, he reluctantly held up the two envelopes in his hand. They were rather bedraggled looking as he’d spent the last half hour nervously playing with them while trying to decide if he really wanted to open them or not.

“These arrived today,” he croaked as a blush of contrition spread across his cheeks. Clearing his throat, he determinedly went for the abbreviated version of his confession. “They’re credit card statements I was too embarrassed to tell you about. But don’t worry; I have a plan for how to pay them off in full.” Todd hoped the good news would outweigh the not-so-good.

Hayden accepted the envelopes. He glanced at Todd as he carefully tore them open. The totals weren’t outrageous but given Todd’s other debt load from his student loans, he would be hard pressed to pay them off before the high interest rates made the amounts climb further. But what really bothered him was that Todd hadn’t disclosed these debts before this. They had been back together for two weeks and not a word had been spoken, even when they’d discussed how Todd would catch up on the arrears payments on his student loans.

He looked at Todd who was twisting his hands together nervously. “When we got back together we discussed at great length about being open and honest with each other, that we would not keep secrets or withhold information. Yet you consciously chose to keep these debts from me. What do you have to say about this?”

Todd hung his head, unable to face the anger he expected to see on Hayden’s face. “I should have told you much sooner. I wanted to. I even rehearsed how to. But each time I started to, I chickened out. I just felt so darn humiliated at having done such a miserable job of being on my own again.”

“How you handled being on your own is not the issue here,” Hayden commented with a shake of his head.

Finally daring to look up, Todd tentatively offered up his plan to repay the entire amount. “I was thinking that since there’s a really good public transportation system available, I could sell my car. It’s beginning to show its’ age and will soon need repairs I can’t afford. It would be best to sell it now rather than later. Besides, aside from my going to work, we usually use your vehicle so that makes a second one kind of redundant and a luxury we can do without.” Todd’s countenance brightened a little and he held out his hands, palm up. “See how well it can all work out?”

Hayden nodded. “I give you credit for your plan and I do think it’s a very good idea. However,” he added with a sigh, “the debt itself really isn’t the issue here. The issue is your withholding this from me. We’re in a committed relationship, Todd, and we need to be honest with each other about all things. Embarrassed or not, you should have told me this upfront. The time was when we were discussing how you’d catch up on your arrears payments of your student loans. We worked out your budget then and you knew well the budget we agreed upon would not cover this added debt. This is unacceptable and I’m going to spank you. You need to learn you don’t hide things from me.”

Todd’s eyes widened as he stared up at the man standing in front of him and glaring downward. He was about to protest and make an attempt at talking Hayden out of doing that, but stopped himself short. It was just what he’d always done in the past and it had led to him moving out.

He sat chewing on his bottom lip and thought about the two months they had been apart. There was no way he ever wanted a repeat of that miserable experience, nor could he go back to living with unsolved issues hanging over them. He loved Hayden with all his heart and wanted to be with him forever. His steadfast lover offered all the love and stability he needed as a constant in his life.

Todd felt Hayden sit beside him on the sofa and sensed him waiting patiently for a response. He knew Hayden needed his consent before he would continue, but was he strong enough to submit to being spanked. The guilt he was feeling said he better be. The trust he had in his partner gave him the courage to nod his head in agreement. “I understand, Hayden,” he murmured.

“All right then, stand up and let’s take care of this.” Hayden’s words were spoken in a kind but firm voice.

Todd got up and stood by Hayden’s right knee as instructed. He fidgeted for a second or two before blurting out, “Just so you know, I want to be held when this is over. That is, if it isn’t too late to negotiate.”

“Sweetheart, holding you is non-negotiable. I insist upon it. I’m not going to spank you and then leave you. We need to reconnect afterwards. Just trust me. I’ve got you and I’ll take care of you.”

After undoing his belt and zipper, Todd hooked his thumbs into the waist band of his trousers, paused and then dropped his arms by his side. “This is as much as I can do, Hayden. I need you to help me.”

Hayden gave Todd a gentle smile as he reach up to pull the pants and underwear down to his lover’s knees. He took Todd’s hand and pulled him forward until he was bent across his lap with his upper body supported by the sofa cushions. He wrapped his left arm around Todd’s slim waist and pulled him firmly up against him, so there would be no room to manoeuvre. He could feel the tension and stiffness as Todd tried to prepare himself for the experience.

After having squirmed for a few seconds, Todd quickly realized he was in no danger of falling off Hayden’s lap. He wasn’t exactly certain about what to expect but surmised it would not be pleasurable. He clenched his bottom in anticipation of what was to come.

Hayden placed a gentle hand on the white skin of Todd’s backside. “You’re going to be okay,” he promised reassuringly. “We’ll get through this and be all the stronger for it.” With that said; Hayden raised his right hand and brought it down in a resounding smack on the butt before him.

Todd let out a gasp and immediately put his hand back to protect his vulnerable rear end.

Hayden stopped and firmly issued an order; “Hands back, Todd.” The hand was pulled away and Hayden landed three more hard swats before the hand came back again. “Todd, move your hand please.”

“Sorry; I can’t help it, Hayden. It hurts too much,” Todd managed to pant out.

Hayden realized his lover needed some extra help from him, so he took the offending hand in his own and pinned it to Todd’s side where he held him. Then without further words, he returned to the spanking.

He had discussed the mechanics of a spanking with Delia and had a good idea of the impression he wanted to make in this first one. It had to be firm enough that Todd learned from it and long enough that he would surrender himself to it. Yet he didn’t want to go too far either. He continued applying firm spanks, quickly seeing a red bloom appear on the tender flesh.

Todd was never ashamed to show his emotions, so Hayden wasn’t surprised to hear the first sounds of crying coming from where Todd had his face buried into his left arm. He had to steel his heart and remind himself this was what they’d agreed upon and that it was needed. He continued spanking until all of Todd’s bottom and the soft curved underside where the thigh met butt were turned a vivid shade of crimson.

It was shortly after the punishment began that Todd let go and went limp over Hayden’s muscular thighs. He finally accepted the inevitable; that the length and severity of the spanking was completely up to the older man and all Todd had to do was submit.

It took him several moments to realize the punishing hand had stopped falling and the heat was no longer building to intolerable levels on his backside. He’d not only been totally unprepared for the pain a spanking could cause, but also the loudness of a mere hand landing on bare flesh.

By then the only sounds in the room were his own diminishing sobs and Hayden’s beloved voice offering reassurances that it was over. He tried pushing away from his partner but instead felt strong arms turning him over until he was sitting on his chastiser’s lap. He reached around to hesitantly touch his sore bottom and immediately changed his mind.

Clinging tightly to Hayden’s shirt with his head nestled against the bigger man’s broad shoulder, Todd felt himself zoning out and everything taking on an unanticipated sense of vagueness.

He wondered if he may have things a little muddled. After all, he had been embarrassed by his living conditions when on his own; he’d been embarrassed by spending money he didn’t have; he’d been embarrassed by and ashamed of keeping pertinent information from his life-partner. Yet he hadn’t been the least bit embarrassed by being bare-butt over his lover’s knees nor had he felt any embarrassment at being spanked. In fact, aside from having a backside that felt like a blow-torch had been used on it, he felt remarkably carefree and no longer inhibited by the burden of guilt he’d been carrying since he and Hayden got back together.

He barely had the wherewithal to earnestly whisper what was foremost in his mind at that point in time. “Thank you, Hayden, for being strong enough for both of us.”

“Us, is the significant word, my love. I want there to always be an ‘us’. And if this is what works for us as a couple, if it makes us stronger and better; then this is what we’ll do. I love you too much to let my hesitancy to respond get between us again.” Hayden kissed Todd’s forehead. “I want us to be forever, Todd. If it were legal for two men to marry, I’d marry you tomorrow. Can you imagine? We could buy a house and maybe even adopt a child and become dads.” He sighed. “You never know, maybe someday it will happen for us.”

Todd vigorously nodded his agreement. “Someday we will look back on this time, my darling, and I only hope we will be able to concentrate of the positive aspects of these last few months and not the negatives ones. We are really so blessed to have each other with our whole life ahead of us.” He pulled Hayden’s head down to give him a toe-curling kiss.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Present Day:

Hayden kissed Todd’s head as he held him against him. “We had a few rough moments in the beginning but I wouldn’t change a single thing. If I could go back and speak to my younger self, all I could think to tell him was to hang on tight because he was going to enjoy the wildest and best ride he could imagine; sharing a life with one Todd William Pearce.”

Todd couldn’t help but smile. “Sometimes it pays to take a trip down memory lane. It helps us remember our dreams and how many of them have come true. After all, we were eventually able to be legally married: we had a child and have now been blessed with two piglets: we’re retired and living in the beautiful town here in the Okanagan Valley: and in ten days’ time, we leave on our three week vacation in the sun. Barbados, here we come. Only one major event has yet to take place, and that’s our becoming grandparents.”

Hayden shook his head. He knew Todd desperately wanted Zack and Rene to give them a grandchild and if he were honest, he’d love that himself. However, he wasn’t going to do anything to push his son and son-in-law into something they were not ready for. He gave Todd a peck on the cheek. “Maybe someday, love; but that’s up to the boys, not us.”

“I know, and it isn’t as if you haven’t reminded me enough. It’s not going to keep me from hoping though.”

Todd pushed himself off Hayden’s lap. “In the meantime, this work isn’t getting done by itself. I’ll take the tray of dishes to the kitchen and get them out of the way. Once that’s done, I’ll help you remove the stand from the tree and you can carry it out to the curb.” He headed down the hall still rhyming off orders like a sergeant-major.

Working together like a well-oiled machine, the two men soon had the tree removed, the last of these baubles wrapped up and the bins closed. As usual, Todd had stood at the head of the basement stairs and passed the bins down to Hayden to be stored until next year.

“I’d have helped more, Hayden, except no amount of coaxing will ever get me down into that spider infested cellar,” Todd declared, spraying bug spray to ensure no undesirables found their way into his kitchen and making it necessary for Hayden to bat his way through a cloud of insecticide as he made his way back upstairs.

“Brat, I thought I tossed that can of Raid in the trash!”

Todd chuckled and hastily moved out of the swinging hand’s reach. Then quickly changing direction, he turned and threw himself into his husband’s arms.

“You know, I remember the first time you called me a ‘Brat’. I opened my mouth to indignantly protest but stopped in mid-screech when it suddenly hit me just how lovingly you had said it. You spoke it almost reverently and I instantly felt so special. You’ve spoken it in that manner every time since.”

Todd gently caressed the handsome face smiling down at him: a face he knew as well as his own. He gazed into warm blue eyes: eyes belonging to this wonderful man he had fallen in love with over thirty-five years ago: endearing eyes that clearly showed it had been well-worth the ride.

“You are very special, my arachnophobic Brat.” He gave Todd a kiss then reached behind to where the can of Raid stood on the counter. “This is going in back in the trash!”

The End