Try To Remember

Try to remember the kind of September
when life was slow and oh, so mellow.
Try to remember the kind of September
when grass was green and grain was yellow.
Try to remember the kind of September
when you were a tender and callow fellow,
Try to remember and if you remember then follow.

Try to remember when life was so tender
that no one wept except the willow.
Try to remember when life was so tender that
dreams were kept beside your pillow.
Try to remember when life was so tender that
love was an ember about to billow.
Try to remember and if you remember then follow.

Deep in December it’s nice to remember
although you know the snow will follow.
Deep in December it’s nice to remember
without the hurt the heart is hollow.
Deep in December it’s nice to remember
the fire of September that made us mellow.
Deep in December our hearts should remember and follow.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Co-written By: Mel and LJ

Many thanks to Stef for her beta work on this story.


Rene walked into his studio above the garage. He’d spent weeks getting it set up to suit his needs. The shelving and storage had been built against two walls and all his supplies tucked neatly into place. His canvases and easel stood near the window to capture the natural light, though some high quality artificial lighting had also been added so Rene could work after the sun had set.

Sitting in the centre of the room were the two large boxes his mother had shipped to him; things from his old room that he hadn’t looked at since graduating university. He peeled back the tape from the first box and began sorting through the items. He laughed as he flipped though his first year sketch book, shaking his head at some of his early work. He quickly put away the things he was going to keep and tossed a few old things right into the trash bin.

It was when he opened the second box that he felt the world close in on him. Inside were two unframed canvases painted with a style he knew as well as his own. One was a portrait of himself, the other of Professor Teasdale. Rene sat staring at the two small paintings for almost half an hour, lost in memory. The sound of a dog barking out on the street finally dragged him from his reverie. He deliberately put the paintings back in the box and closed it again. He’d deal with it later. Right now he had work to do.

He had promised to get the portrait for Mrs. Smythe finished by the end of the week. He glanced at the calendar he had hanging on the wall and realized it was still on August, though yesterday had been the thirty-first. He flipped over the page to see a photograph of a school with children scurrying inside. ‘September’ was emblazoned across the grid of numbered squares below it, and suddenly the overwhelming devastation was upon him again. Every September it came with its’ sense of nagging depression and guilt, and his discovery of Don’s paintings just a moment ago was already making this year’s pain just that much more potent.

‘Damn it!’ Rene was filled with despair as his eyes settled on the year printed in big bold letters next to the month. How could it have been five years already? Last year he’d been so caught up in his new relationship with Zack, that the emotions hadn’t hit him so hard. He’d gone home to Vancouver for his aunt’s funeral on the anniversary date, so he’d made his annual pilgrimage then. But how could he do it this year?

Rene swallowed hard, shoving the unwelcome feelings out of his mind. Like the paintings, he’d deal with them later. For now, he had to get on with his day. Mrs. Smythe’s painting needed done and besides, he had a life now. Dwelling on the past couldn’t change anything. Except how did was he to cope when the past kept dwelling on him?

With that thought, Rene threw himself into his work, totally forgetting about the time until he heard Zack’s car pull into the garage below him. ‘Oh shit!’ He looked at the clock. It was half past five and he hadn’t even started dinner as he’d promised. Rene raced down the stairs from the studio and met Zack as he entered the kitchen from the garage.

Glancing around and sniffing suspiciously, Zack frowned as his stomach growled. “Did your plans for supper fall through, Rene?”

“Yeah; I got caught up on Mrs. Symthe’s portrait. I’ll throw some frozen burgers on the grill,” Rene half-heartedly replied as he headed to the freezer. He felt bad about dinner but his mood was already sour and he didn’t feel up to doing a lot.

Zack accepted the excuse. “Okay, I’ll get a salad started. But first I want a proper greeting.” He grabbed Rene’s arm as the young man went to pass him, spun him around and into his arms. Bending his head, Zack dropped a kiss on his husband’s lips

Rene felt the warmth of Zack’s arms and the firmness of his husband’s kiss melt away some of his poor mood. He gave Zack as small smile as he was released from the embrace. “I’m sorry about dinner. Did you have a good day?” he asked as he continued on to get the burgers.

“Yes, steady but not overly busy.” Zack watched the unconsciously graceful movements of his lover’s hips as Rene walked away from him. He’d patiently wait until later to further the kiss they’d just shared. Pulling fresh veggies out of the refrigerator and setting them on the counter, he called out so Rene could hear him from the back deck. “So, how is the painting coming along? Will you meet your target date?”

Rene got the grill started and tossed the frozen patties onto the surface, not bothering with waiting for it to preheat. “It’s going okay,” he called back. “I should have it done on time.” Discussion of the painting had him heading quickly back into the kitchen and towards the stairs leading to the studio. “Watch the burgers! I forgot to cover my paints when you came home.”

He ran up the stairs and quickly began to put away the tubes of acrylic paints sitting out on his pallet. As he cleaned the surface, his mind flashed to standing in the art supply store with Don trying to decide on the size and style of pallet they liked best. Don had picked this one. Rene reminisced for several minutes until he heard Zack calling impatiently for him from below.

“The meat is done, Rene; so it the salad.” Zack waited until he heard Rene racing down the stairs before adding, “Grab a couple of cold beers on your way out, please. I have my hands full with dishes and cutlery, etcetera.”

“Yeah, okay.” Rene took the beer bottles from the fridge and followed Zack out to the deck. Everything for dinner was ready and he’d done nothing to help. He sighed. It seemed Zack was always doing more for him than he ever did in return. He realized it had been like that with Don too; always getting more than he gave. Even in the end, Don had left him everything. Rene swallowed down the memory once more and tried to move on with the evening.

“Sorry I was so long,” he mumbled as he sat at the table. He unscrewed the top from his beer and took a long swallow. As they ate, Rene tried to keep up a pleasant conversation. He polished off his beer before he’d consumed half a dozen bites of his dinner. “Want another?” he asked as he got up with his empty.

“No, I’m fine thanks.” Zack wasn’t concerned about Rene having a second beer as his husband rarely over-indulged. However, he was unable to refrain from commenting when the young man got up to get a third a few minutes later. “I think it would be best for you to finish eating first, Rene. We can have another while doing the clean-up together.”

“It’s hot; I’m thirsty and I am an adult. I think I can handle another beer with my dinner,” Rene replied shortly as he continued toward the kitchen.

Zack waited until Rene had returned and taken his seat again. Reaching across the table, he took the cold bottle and set it next to his own plate. “You can have this when you’ve cleared your plate.” Both his voice and expression remained somewhat stern, making any dispute difficult.

Rene bit down on his tongue. He knew that arguing would only get him into trouble. He gave a very audible sigh and begrudgingly ate the rest of his burger as well as most of the salad without speaking another word. He put down his fork and gave Zack a put-on smile. “Now may I have my beer?”

Realizing his husband was out of sorts, Zack chose not to make an issue over a bit of uneaten salad. He knew that to do so would only push his Brat into a corner and cause his mood to deteriorate even further. He passed over the bottle and wiped the condensation transfer onto his napkin. “Let’s get the dishes done up,” he calmly suggested while getting to his feet.

“Thanks,” Rene grumbled as he took a swig of beer, then stood up and began to carry dishes back to the kitchen. They quickly got things cleaned up, but once done Rene just wanted to return to his studio. He felt the need for some solitude. “I’m gonna go work on the portrait for a couple of hours.”

Zack didn’t comment; he merely shook his head as he watched his husband climb the stairs. It didn’t take a genius to see that the other man had something on his mind. ‘Maybe all he needs is some time alone,’ Zack thought as he not too happily resigned himself to spending the evening separated from the one he really wanted to be with.

It was after ten p.m. when Rene heard Zack’s footsteps on the steps ascending towards him.

“It’s time to call it a day, love. You can work on that tomorrow.” Zack stepped up behind Rene and looked over the young artist’s shoulder at the painting. “It’s looking good, Rembrandt. Mrs. Smythe is going to be pleased. But right now, I’d like you downstairs with me. I’m missing you.” Zack felt he had given his husband more than enough time to get whatever was bothering him out in his system.

Rene leaned back into Zack and enjoyed the feeling of strength derived from the much larger body behind his. His mood was somewhat better after having put his mind into his work. “Miss you too,” he replied. “Just let me clean up and I’ll be right down.”

“I’ll wait,” Zack replied as he watched Rene put away his supplies. Minutes later, the older man lead the way down one flight of stairs and up another to their bedroom and into the large en suite. “Strip!” he ordered, bending down to start the water running into the Jacuzzi before removing his own clothing.

Once he had Rene safely enfolded in his arms and the young man’s back against his chest with warm water soothingly massaging away the day’s stress, Zack whispered in his lover’s ear, “Talk to me.” He slowly sucked on the back of Rene’s neck and waited for the words to come.

Rene moaned at the feeling of Zack possessively marking him. “Talk?” he mumbled. “Okay. Mmm, keep doing that. Make it so anyone who sees it, knows I belong to you. Take me, Zack. Please, I need to feel you.” He was panting hard, his penis leaking copiously into the bath water, the feelings of love and lust overcoming any depression he had felt earlier. This intimacy was what Rene needed to take his mind off of the past and into the present.

Zack smiled; his lover was always so beautifully responsive to his touch and at this moment in time it made Zack forget his objective to get the younger man to confide in him. He snapped open the tube of oil-based lube and quickly prepared Rene and himself. Next, he lifted the lighter man and gently lowered him until Zack was buried to the hilt in his lover’s welcoming warmth.

They sat quietly for several moments as each enjoyed the intensity of the sensations flowing through them. Then in an unspoken agreement, both started to move in unison, building towards anticipated heights of sexual satisfaction. Zack reach around and took Rene’s engorged shaft in his hand and slowly began pumping before increasing the speed until their bodies matched the pace he set.

Rene cried out his climax just seconds before he felt Zack’s release enter deeply within his body. He melted boneless against his lover, only the strength of Zack’s arm around him stopped him from falling down face first into the water. He felt so loved and possessed by the larger man that for the present, nothing else seemed to matter.

After a while the water began to cool and the two lovers kissed and then climbed from the tub. They dried off and got into bed. They snuggled together with Zack on his back and Rene draped over him, his head on Zack’s chest.

“Love you,” Rene whispered.

“Love you too, sweetheart.” Zack lightly kissed his lover’s still damp hair and rubbed one large hand from the base of Rene’s neck down to the lower curve of one butt cheek, giving it a gentle squeeze. He felt the growing weight of the body resting on his own as Rene relaxed and he listened to the younger man’s breathing as he drifted off to sleep.

Zack closed his eyes and released a muted groan of apprehension when he suddenly realized they hadn’t talk after all. He only hoped that whatever had been troubling his husband would not return.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Rene woke from the dream with his heart pounding in his chest. He sat up, drawing slow breaths to calm himself. Damn, he hadn’t had one of those dreams in a long time; not since he’d met Zack. He used to get them all the time when he was living alone out of his car, but the security of his life here seemed to have taken them away. Now they were back again; elusive nightmares that he could never quite remember, just snippets of Don leaving him with feelings of guilt and shame.

He slipped quietly out of bed and went to the bathroom, closing the door before turning on the light. He used the toilet then stopped to look at his face in the mirror as he stood at the sink washing his hands. He was pale and sweat covered his brow. He splashed cold water over his face and tried to put the thoughts of the nightmare out of his mind.

It was more than two hours later before he managed to fall back to sleep, and the morning alarm woke him much too soon.

Zack was up and already in their en suite when he called out a morning greeting to Rene, who just groaned and pulled the covers over his head.

Zack walked into the bedroom, wiping his face with a dry towel. He was wearing only socks, boxers and a t-shirt; his hair was still ruffled. He smiled and shook his head when he saw his Brat trying to hide from the day. Sitting on the side of the bed, he pulled down the blankets.

“Time to get up, babe. You’re due at the daycare centre this morning.” Zack patted Rene’s hip but that only resulted in another groan from the younger man. He kissed Rene’s lips before standing up to put on his trousers. “Up and at ‘em, love.”

“Go ‘way” Rene grumbled. He pulled the blanket back up. When the blanket was pulled down again, he glared at his husband. “I don’t have to be at the day care for over an hour, so just lemme sleep a little longer!”

Zack buttoned up his shirt and stared down at the man hunched under the blankets. ‘Maybe he’s is a little overtired,’ he thought as he turned away and quietly left the room to head downstairs. He opened the front door and picked up the morning paper.

Once in the kitchen, Zack put on the coffee and made himself a light breakfast. Instead of reading the sports page as was his habit when eating alone, he replayed last evening in his mind. Something was bothering his husband; he knew it. But what could it be? It struck Zack as being serious enough to call for special measures to make Rene open up.

Fifteen minutes later, he whistled contentedly as he hung up the phone and thought over the arrangements he’d just made with an old friend for the use of his cabin. Zack cleaned up from his breakfast, left cereal and fruit out for Rene and packed a lunch for the younger man. He didn’t have to pack one for himself as he was having his noon meal with Nessa. He left a note for Rene saying they’d be talking that evening, and headed out to work.

Rene woke again with a start. One look at the clock and he was up and running. He’d slept longer than he’d expected and was now going to be late for work. He quickly showered, dressed and ran out the door. The breakfast, lunch and note from Zack were left unnoticed in the kitchen.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Rene sighed as he left the day care centre. The speeding ticket in his pocket was doing nothing to improve his bad mood. His day had been abysmal. He’d been late for work and had gotten a ticket for speeding on his way. All in all, he felt just miserable. He was worried Zack would spank him and sadly realized he probably deserved it if he did. It felt like all he did was cause trouble. He didn’t want to go home yet as he’d only sit there stewing and thinking, and thinking wasn’t working well for him right now. Maybe he’d go visit with Kadyn for a while and share a cup of coffee with his friend.

Rene was disappointed to find Kadyn’s father manning the store. It seemed the younger Mr. Hart had taken the afternoon off. So Rene headed off to the park and spent the better part of an hour watching the kids play on the equipment he and his friends had painted. Finally, as the sky turned duskier, he glanced at his watch and decided that he’d better head home even if he didn’t feel like it. Given the time, Zack would likely be there before him, so it wouldn’t do to be much later.

Zack took one look at his husband’s face when Rene walked into the kitchen and knew he once again had an unhappy and possibly stressed-out young man on his hands. He held out his arms and Rene walked right into them. Tightening his embrace, Zack softly inquired, “Just how bad a day did you have, love?”

Rene enjoyed the feeling of Zack’s loving arms around him; they helped him let go of some of the stress he was feeling. “I fell back into a pretty deep sleep this morning. It was after nine when I woke up so I was already late for work. I rushed out of the house and tried to get there as quickly as possible. I...” he paused not wanting to say what he knew he had to. “I got a speeding ticket for doing sixty-five in a forty zone.”

Zack stepped back to hold his Brat at arm’s length and look at him straight on. Keeping his hands on his husband’s shoulders, he frowned and sternly admonished, “That was rather reckless, Rene. We live in a residential area and there could have been a number of people out and about at that time. You’re fortunate you ended up with only a ticket.”

He paused and waited to see what the younger man’s reaction would be to the scolding before continuing.

Rene knew that Zack was right. He’d known all day long that his husband wouldn’t be happy with him about the speeding ticket. But now, instead of feeling chastened by Zack’s words, he just felt angry. He knew the emotion wasn’t right, so he swallowed hard to keep from acting on it. He stood stiffly and tried to behave as he thought Zack would expect. Keeping his voice steady, he replied, “I’m sorry. I know it was wrong. I know you’re mad. I suppose you’re going to spank me.”

“You suppose wrong. I am not going to spank you as this is not something that has happened before. However, should it show signs of becoming a habit, rest assured that not only your wallet but your butt will also be paying the consequences.”

Zack let his arms fall to his sides and leaned back against the counter. “Instead, I’d like you to write out what happened to make you oversleep and how the speeding ticket impacted your day. I expect you to give some though to how you’ve been feeling since getting out of bed this morning and what thoughts have been running through your head. Maybe between us, we can determine just what has been causing this sour mood you’re in.” He spoke calmly and patiently but his resolve in this matter was clearly conveyed.

Rene’s lips thinned as he bit down hard on the back of them. Inside he was angry and miserable as he fought the impulse to yell and tell his husband to stuff this writing assignment. He also fought against a part of him that suggested he just talk to Zack about what this time in September did to him, about finding the paintings and about Don; but he couldn’t find the words. He’d never talked to anyone about what had happened with Don, about the guilt, or about his annual pilgrimage to the grave. It was too private. It was too shameful.

He looked Zack in the eyes and gave a small forced smile. “Okay, but it won’t be much to write. I over-slept cuz I didn’t sleep well last night. I didn’t sleep well cuz I woke up to go to the washroom and couldn’t fall back to sleep. No reason really, just one of those things. The ticket impacted my day by putting me in a lousy mood. I knew it was a stupid thing to do, that it was costly and that you’d be upset with me. The only thing I felt when getting out of bed this morning was dismay. The only thought I had was ‘damn it to hell I’m late and I hate that and now I gotta run’. That’s the whole thing. If you want me to write it out, fine, I’ll write it out, but there’s nothing more to say than that.”

“I believe there is a lot more, Rene, and if you take the time to really think it over, you’ll find plenty to write about. You might also consider throwing in missed meals and going hungry. I came home to find you had not eaten breakfast and the lunch I packed for you was still on the counter next to the note I left about this weekend. You’ve probably gone the whole day consuming far more caffeine than what’s good for you.”

Zack turned to the stove and began serving out warmed-over stew onto two plates. “Go wash up and we’ll have supper. It will give you more time to mentally review your day.” He placed the food on the table along with a salad, fresh rolls and tall glasses of water.

Rene turned without a word and stormed into the washroom. He closed the door with a firmness that came very close to slamming it. He knew he had to let go of the anger he was feeling. It wasn’t going to get him anywhere and it certainly wasn’t fair to direct it at Zack. He looked up at the face in the mirror and gave it a disgusted scowl.

“Get your act together,” he grumbled. “You already lost one lover because you couldn’t give him enough. You can’t lose Zack, even if he is better than you deserve.” He quickly washed his hands and splashed cold water on his face. He stopped and took a moment to take several deep calming breaths before returning to the kitchen.

Rene took his seat and tried to present a pleasant mood. “Dinner looks good.” He picked up his fork and began to eat while attempting normal conversation. “Did you have a good day at the pharmacy?”

Although Zack appreciated his young husband’s efforts to maintain a pleasant atmosphere during supper, he was still picking up on the younger man’s evasiveness. He was certain this went deeper and involved more than just a day going down hill.

“Yes, a very good day. I had lunch with Nessa. I think she and Papa have been talking. They’re up to something, I’m sure of it.” He chuckled when he thought of Nessa’s veiled hints about babies. Tearing apart a roll and buttering it, he calmly asked, “Do you still think you’ll be able to get the Smythe portrait finished by the weekend?”

Rene nodded. “Yeah, I have to get it done. I made a promise.” Realizing this might work to his advantage, he added, “I’ll work on it for a couple of hours after dinner.”

Zack glanced across the table and raised an eyebrow. He knew exactly what his Brat was trying to do. “You mean right after you finish your writing assignment to my satisfaction, don’t you?”

Rene felt his back go up as he again fought down feelings of frustration and anger, but this time he found them harder to control. “Yes, okay. If it makes you happy, I’ll write the thing for you!” he snapped.

Zack had been about to take a drink of water, but he replaced his glass on the table and sternly eyed the younger man sitting across from him. “Pardon me? Is that how we talk to each other?”

“No. Look, I’m sorry; okay?” Rene saw the look on Zack’s face and knew he was pushing. He didn’t want to end up in trouble but neither did he have full control of his emotions. He knew if he let go of the anger, he might be overwhelmed with sorrow. He also worried that if he continued with his tirade, he might end up saying something more than he wanted to. Finally, he continued in as civil a voice as he could muster. “I just don’t see the need to write out anything. I told you what happened. I’ve had a crappy day and I’d just like to go work on the painting and forget about it!”

Zack sat back and took a deep breath. He wondered if they had any hope of salvaging the evening. He knew in his heart that his husband was trouble about something and it hurt that the man he loved more than life itself was unable to share his burden.

“Rene, I expect you to do as I ask simply because I truly believe you need the time to fully analyze your feelings. Writing will help you accomplish that. My reading it may then help me better understand why you are acting the way you are.” Zack spoke quietly with a certain patience and gentleness not there earlier. “I know something is bothering you. I’d like to find out what is behind this anxiety of yours. And yes, I am prying and will continue to do so.”

The older man instinctively knew the younger one was getting his back up, but still went ahead with his final declaration. “If you continue to insist there isn’t a need to write anything out, then I will insist you finish your supper, have a shower and go right to bed. Maybe all you need is some extra sleep, hmm?” Zack’s demeanor left no further room for argument.

Knowing Zack would make good on his promise to send him to bed, Rene decided he’d better do the writing even if he just filled the page with meaningless words. He dropped his fork on his half-finished dinner and pushed it away. “I’ll get the paper and start writing,” he grumbled miserably as he rose from the table.

Any appetite Zack had, left him. He pushed his chair back, got to his feet and started gathering up the dirty dishes. He watched with a feeling of sadness as his husband sat down, only to stare at the paper in front of him.

He walked over to the counter, turned the radio on low and began to fill the sink with hot, soapy water. Aside from the soft music playing in the background and the occasional clink of cutlery, not another sound could be heard in the room.

Rene stared at the paper for several minutes as he shoved the feelings of anger deep inside and tried to concentrate on writing something that would appease his disapproving Top. He hated having Zack upset with him and felt guilty for being the cause of the current tension between them. He had to get himself together and live up to the expected parameters of their marriage.

He began to write and slowly the page filled with words. He explained carefully about being awakened in the night after a dream which he couldn’t remember in any detail. He remembered only that it left him feeling upset. He wrote how he couldn’t fall back to sleep for some time afterwards and was therefore very tired when Zack tried to wake him in the morning. He went on in great detail to describe his rush to depart home and acknowledged that he hadn’t even taken a second to eat breakfast or to consider what he would have for lunch. He described how he was stopped by the police constable for speeding and how it had upset his entire day. He then filled in many details from his day at work and admitted that due to his over-tired state, he’d consumed multiple cups of coffee.

He finally ended the third page with a declaration. ‘Zack, I’m so sorry that I was moody and miserable with you. You are my husband, my lover and my best friend, and I love you more than I can ever say. You are always deserving of my full respect and obedience as I swore to you on our wedding day. I hope that you can forgive me and we can forget this miserable day and continue on with a pleasant evening.

Rene put the pen down and carefully read through what he’d written. Then satisfied that it was the best he could do, he looked up to where he’d last seen Zack. However, the dishes had long since been finished and he was surprised to see his husband sitting across from him at the other side of the table. He hadn’t even noticed him up to that moment. He handed the sheets over to Zack with a small sad smile. “I’m sorry. I hope this is okay.”

Zack did a quick read over the pages. To give Rene his due, Zack willingly acknowledged that the completed assignment provided a lot of information, not to mention a heartfelt apology. Unfortunately, it continued to leave him with a niggling feeling of something still missing. Once again, he decided to let it go for the time being.

With a gentle smile, he beckoned for the younger man to come over to him. Once Rene was within arm’s reach, Zack pulled him down onto his lap. “You will always be forgiven, love, no matter what.” He dropped a kiss on his husband’s slightly parted lips. “I’m sorry it was a bad night that got your day off to such a miserable start. Now, tear up those papers and put this day behind you and we’ll have a clean slate.”

Rene smiled. “Thanks.” He ripped the sheets into small pieces, climbed from Zack’s lap and carried them over to toss in the recycle bin. “I’m gonna go work on the painting for a while.”

“Not tonight, babe.” Zack held up a finger to forestall any argument. “I know it’s early, but I want you to get ready for bed. I am going to lock up and meet you upstairs in five minutes. Go on, now,” he laughingly insisted as he pushed his husband towards the kitchen door leading to the hall and sent him on his way with a light swat on his rear-end.

He shook his head and grinned as he listened to his Brat stomping up the stairs. Then he quickly got out a couple of wine glasses, a bottle of Pinot Noir and a bar of bitter sweet chocolate, and followed his disgruntled husband. He entered the master bedroom while Rene was still engaged in his nightly ablutions and dimmed the lights, leaving only the lamp on his night-table lit. He was lighting the last of three large candles when Rene entered from their en suite. Zack stretched out on the bed, where the blankets had already been turned down. “Come join me, my love.”

Rene’s heart skipped a beat when he walked into the bedroom. He’d expected Zack to insist he settle down to sleep to make up for the lost sleep the night before, but he beheld now instead, this romantic sight of Zack laid out like an offering in the bed with candlelight, wine, and chocolate. Well maybe this day wasn’t a total loss, and at least he could give Zack his love and his body. He climbed onto the bed and sat up against the pillow as Zack handed him a glass of wine. “Hmmmm, this is very nice.”

Zack intertwined his free hand with Rene’s and moved his thumb in gentle circles over the back of it. It was with mixed feelings that Zack disturbed the peaceful ambiance of the room and brought up the plans he had made before he’d left for the store that morning.

“Guess now would be as good a time as any to talk over the upcoming long weekend. You should know that early this morning, I confirmed a reservation for the O’Brian’s cottage.” Zack smirked as he dropped his bombshell. His husband knew absolutely nothing about these particular friends of his.

“Reservations for whose cottage?” Rene was puzzled by Zack’s statement.

“Lance and Karen O’Brian are the parents of an old UBC friend of mine. Liam and his older brother, Justin, used to take several of us to the cottage as often as possible back then. Their folks loved the company and always made sure we had a great time. Lance and Karen stopped going a few years ago due to Lance’s deteriorating health. That, and the rest of us leading rather busy lives; lead to the cottage being used less and less.” Zack paused long enough to break off a piece of the bar and pop it into Rene’s mouth.

“It eventually became impossible for the gang to find times when we could all get up there together. I think it was Liam’s brainwave that we take turns using it. So at the first of every year, he and Justin draw names out of a hat to see who uses the cottage on what long weekend. This year, I lucked out with Labour Day but was undecided about taking advantage of the opportunity until this morning. All the arrangements are now in place and we leave here Friday afternoon. Hope you are okay with all of this, love.”

Rene let the rich dark chocolate melt in his mouth as he listened to Zack explain things. The chocolate reminded him of how he was feeling about his life right now, both bitter and sweet. Here was Zack once again doing something so kind and loving while he, Rene, felt nothing but bitterness at the past that was haunting him and his inability to give as much as he kept taking.

Trying to sound enthusiastic, Rene asked, “It will just be the two of us for the whole weekend?” He was relieved when Zack nodded. “It sounds really nice, but I have to get Mrs. Smythe’s painting finished before we go. I’m going to have to work on it both tomorrow and Thursday evenings, okay?”

Zack gave it a few moments thought as he sipped on his wine. “I don’t want you feeling rushed and putting undue pressure on yourself, Rene, so how about this for a plan? As well as working seven to ten both those evenings, you have approximately twelve to three on Thursday afternoon to spend in your studio. If we left for the cottage first thing Saturday morning, it would also free up Friday from noon on for you to complete the Smythe portrait. Then we can escape for the long weekend; just the two of us, with nothing to worry about. What do you think?”

“Yeah, that would work out well. I certainly should have it done by late Friday afternoon.” Rene put his wine glass down on the night table and scooted over so that he was snuggled up against Zack. “I love you and thank you for being so good to me.”

“Hey, it’s only because you’re soooo easy to be good to, babe. I love you too; very, very much.” Zack leaned down and gently kissed his husband’s lips.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

The next few days Rene tried hard to keep his mind off Don and on his job at the day care and on getting Mrs. Smythe’s painting finished. He deliberately avoided opening the remaining box that held Don’s art work; although he did find it difficult to avoid looking it. Finally, he shoved the carton onto a corner and covered it with a drop-cloth in hopes that out of sight would be out of mind.

He got the portrait completed and delivered to Mrs. Smythe by two o’clock on Friday. Zack was still at the pharmacy so Rene decided to drop by the convenience store and see if Kadyn was up for a visit. He walked into the shop and spotted his friend serving a customer, so he picked up a magazine by the front and flipped through the pages. An article caught his attention; ‘Family Ties’ Meredith Baxter: I’m A Lesbian Mom’. The piece profiled the recent coming out of the television actress and how her children had been supportive of her.

‘Supportive families, yeah right!’ Rene thoughts flashed back to five years earlier.

“Don, we’ve made a pact and we have to follow through,” Rene admonished his nervous-looking boyfriend. “This weekend you tell your parents and I tell mine. We can’t go on living like this. For God’s sake, my mother keeps trying to set me up with the parish priest’s niece.”

Don gave Rene a half smile. “I know you’re right, but I also know my old man is gonna freak.”

“You think mine will be any better? We’re adults now and besides you know what they told us at the LGBT association meeting. By hiding in the closet, we only hurt our fight to be accepted and have equal rights.”

Truth be told, Rene was scared to death of this weekend but he was putting on a brave face for Don’s sake and to also prove they were up to the challenge that had been given at the last university Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, and Transgender Association meeting of ‘Come out to the world!’

Sunday afternoon, feeling sad but somewhat relieved, Rene headed back to the little off-campus studio apartment that he and Don shared. His parents had been horrified by his coming out. His father had been angry and his mother had cried. They’d spent the entire weekend fluctuating between arguments and not speaking. His mother had even suggested that he see a psychiatrist, feeling that Rene could be ‘cured of this affliction’. In the end, Rene’s father had coerced him to keep his homosexuality a secret from family friends, relatives and most importantly, the church. The last part being no problem to Rene since he had long since given up practicing the Catholic religion he had been raised in. Rene also had to promise never to bring any of his ‘gay’ friends around his parents’ home. So he really hadn’t come out to the world, but at least his family knew now; even his older sister had been told. Though she hugged Rene and told him that she was okay with it, Rene felt that she too was disappointed.

Rene had not been prepared though for the sight that greeted him when he walked in the apartment door. There were several cardboard cartons dumped in the entry way of the room. Each one was overflowing with what appeared to be personal items such as sports equipment, books, rolled up posters, trophies and clothing. The things looked to have been hastily tossed into the boxes with no care taken by the packer. On the floor beside the row of boxes was Don. He sat cross-legged, staring into space with his expression vacant as if he wasn’t aware of Rene’s entrance and was lost in a day dream.

“Hey, I’m home,” Rene called out, expecting to see his boy friend smile up at him.

Instead Don continued to stare at nothing. “Hi,” the youth mumbled in response.

Rene walked around the boxes and knelt down next to his distraught friend. “Don, what’s wrong? What happened?”

Don looked up, his eyes red and his face tear-tracked. “Wrong? I’ll tell you what’s wrong! They fucking threw me out. They hate me! Told me never to come back again! My own mother told me I was no son of hers.”

Rene sank down to the floor beside his lover and put his arm around his shoulder, drawing him into a hug. “Oh God, Don, I’m so sorry. What are you going to do?”

Don shook his head sadly. “I don’t know,” he replied honestly. “What do you do when your family disowns you? I guess you just make do without them.” Don’s voice was flat and lacking its’ usual animation. “How’d it go with your folks?”

“Better than yours I guess, but not wonderful.” Rene went on to explain what had happened over the course of the weekend with his family. Don sat listening but Rene could tell he really wasn’t paying much attention. When he was finished telling his tale, Rene tried to think of something to help lift Don’s spirits. “Come on. We need to get out of this apartment for a while. Why don’t we take a walk and go over to Mama Vitale’s for some pizza; my treat,” he offered.

Kadyn finished with his customer and smiled when he saw his friend standing by the magazine rack. “Hey, Rene; you’re timing is perfect, man. I just put a fresh pot of coffee on not five minutes ago.”

Rene jumped, slightly startled as he was torn from his memories by Kadyn’s greeting. He shook his head to clear it and put a smile on his face. “Hey, that sounds great! I was hoping I could hang out and visit you for a while. How ya doing?”

“A-okay, man; busy with the Boy Scout movement getting back into full swing. Two of last year’s Cubs moved on, but we have three new ones coming up from Beavers. What have you been up to? Got any plans for the long weekend?” Kadyn pretended not to have noticed his friend’s day-dreaming. He didn’t want to bring it up, as Rene hadn’t looked too happy about whatever was playing on his mind.

“That sounds great. Me? I’ve just been working at the day care and doing a commission. Zack and I are going away for the weekend to a cottage that belongs to some friends of his. We’re leaving first thing tomorrow. What about you and Vincent?”

“Driving down to Vancouver on Sunday and staying overnight with the in-laws. Not as exciting as what you guys are doing. I trust there’s a lake or something where you’re going.”

The conversation continued over a second pot of coffee, fortunately with a minimum of interruptions. All too soon it was four o’clock and Kadyn’s shift was at an end.

“Devon’s here,” Kadyn merrily stated when the bell chiming over the door announced his replacement’s arrival. “It’s time to call it day where this place is concerned.”

Rene wished his friend a good weekend and headed down the sidewalk to the pharmacy. He was feeling better after his visit with Kadyn, having thrust all thoughts of the past aside for the moment.

He could hear Zack’s deep voice as soon as he entered the shop. Zack was standing at the counter, patiently talking with an elderly woman and explaining her medication regime. Rene stood quietly waiting as Zack covered the same point repeatedly until the lady finally seemed to grasp what he was saying. Rene loved his husband for many reasons, not the least of which was his gentle kindness. The man might have an iron hand that could turn his backside to flame, but Rene always knew it was done with love.

Rene suddenly wanted nothing more than to get away from everything that had been weighing on him, and going away for the weekend seemed the perfect answer. He watched Zack escort his customer to the door and as soon as the lady was gone, Rene launched himself at his husband and wrapped his arms around the larger man’s waist.

“Hi, I dropped off the painting to Mrs. Smythe so I’m free and clear. It is only mid-afternoon, so instead of waiting until morning, can we leave as soon as possible?”

Zack kissed the top of Rene’s head and deeply breathed in his lover’s scent. Mixed in with the fresh air he expected was the lingering aroma of coffee. “Let me guess; you stopped off to visit Kadyn and now you’re raring to go.” He chuckled at the younger man’s wide-eyed expression of feigned innocence. “All right, Brat, we can leave as soon as we finish packing.”

Rene grinned and pulled away from Zack’s arms. “My car is out back; I’ll race you home!”

Zack caught hold of his husband’s wrist, easily preventing the young man’s escape. “You might want to re-think that, Rembrandt. I believe ‘race’ and ‘speed’ are synonymous. And if I remember correctly, you’ve already had one run-in with the police for speeding this week.”

Rene’s grin rapidly turned down into a pout. “You had to remind me of that, huh?” he groaned. Quickly trying to retrieve the moment, he gave Zack another smile. “I still say I can beat you home without going a single kilometre over the limit. I’ll even let you leave the parking lot ahead of me. Whatda ya say, old man?” Though Jade Heights didn’t have much of a rush hour, Rene knew the shift at the mine had just finished and the usual route they took would be well traveled by the miners making their way home. He’d recently found a back road that would avoid all the traffic at this time of day.

Zack laughed. He had a feeling is Brat was up to something. “Go for it, kid. Only we’ll leave together. You’re not going to claim an unfair advantage when I win.”

Soon they were driving off at the same time, but each going in a different direction. Zack couldn’t help chuckling when he looked in his rear view mirror and saw the bewildered expression on Rene’s face. ‘Now I bet he’s wondering what I’m up to.’

Several minutes later Zack turned the corner of their street and saw Rene’s car approaching on the straight away. The two cars drove into the driveway side by side. Rene had won by a nose or in this case, by the length of his front bumper. Neither man had gone over the speed limit.

“Hey, what way did you go?” Rene called over to his husband as they climbed out of their respective vehicles. “I planned to be in the house packing my case before you got home.”

“Ah-ha, my lad; you forget I’ve lived in Jade Heights much longer than you have.” Zack met up with his husband at the front door. He wrapped an arm around Rene’s neck and pulled him close to rub his knuckles over the young man head.

Unlocking the door and bidding Rene to enter, Zack headed for their bedroom. “We’re going to have to get a move on in order to reach the lake before dark. We have a four hours drive ahead of us but can just make it if we’re out of here in fifteen minutes.

Although it took a bit of hectic running around, they managed to get Zack’s car loaded, the house locked up and were pulling out of the driveway within the allotted time.

“We’ll pick up a sandwich or something to eat at the Tim Hortons’ drive-thru on our way by,” Zack suggested.

When they got to Tim Hortons, there were two cars ahead of them in the line for the drive-thru. Rene’s bladder made itself known as they waited. “Can you place the order while I run in and use the washroom? We were rushing so much to get out of the house I didn’t think to go before we left. Just order me a ham and swiss along with two extra large coffees. I’ll pour one in my thermos mug for later.” Rene got out of the car and ran into the restaurant.

By the time Rene returned, Zack was being handed his order. He placed the two coffees in the cup holders and handed his husband the bag containing their sandwiches. Then he headed north-east on the highway.

“I only got one drink for each of us, Rene. I think you’ve had enough for the time being and I don’t need to spend the next four hours with you in hyper mode or having to stop again before we reach our destination. Put on some music, sit back and try to relax if you can.”

Zack knew his traveling companion would not be happy about his decision, but figured it would prove less wearing on their nerves in the long run.

Rene looked with disgust at the coffee in the cup holder. “Zack, it’s not even an extra large! What do they call that size; the mini sip?”

“That’s right,” Zack agreed with a small laugh. “And had we eaten in, we’d have been entitled to free eye-dropper refills.”

“Very funny,” Rene groaned. He knew that arguing wouldn’t get him more coffee now that they were on the road but figured that if he was pleasant about things, he might persuade his husband to stop for another coffee a bit later. He opened the slit in the top of his cup and took a careful sip of the hot liquid. “Well at least it’s good, even if it is small. Do you want your sandwich now?”

“Yes please, but just half of it. And would you also flip back the opening on my coffee cup while you’re at it. Driving with one hand while eating isn’t too difficult, digging around for the food is a disaster waiting to happen.”

The two men enjoyed their meal on the road and the scenery along the route. Though it was early September, the first signs of autumn were showing in the foliage along the way. Some of the trees had patches of gold and rust tinged leaves. About an hour out, they spotted on large maple which was in full flaming red.

“Wow, that one’s beautiful!” Rene said as they passed it. “My mom calls a tree that turns so early a Judas tree; like it is a traitor to the summer by trying to leave it too soon.”

They drove past three other Tim Hortons restaurants along the way but despite Rene’s requests, Zack refused to stop, citing the reasons he’d given earlier and the fact that they needed to make good time if they were to arrive before dark. Soon they were entering a small town alongside a beautiful lake.

Zack pulled into a corner gas-mart and shut off the engine. “I’ll fill up so we’ll be able to leave at whatever time we want on Monday and not have to worry about this place being opened. If you want a bit of junk food for the weekend, now is the time to get it.” He watched his husband head for the convenience story and was hit by an afterthought. “And no coffee!” he called out.

Rene, feeling a bit bold and cheeky, turned and stuck his tongue out at his husband as he made his way into the little store. He went straight to the bags of potato chip and grabbed a couple of their favourites along with a container of onion dip and a six pack of Coke, figuring it might get him a caffeine fix tonight even if Zack had banned coffee. He picked up a package of cinnamon rolls to have with what he hoped would be breakfast coffee, assuming Zack would be over this no coffee business by morning.

At the check-out stand he picked up a couple of magazines and a copy of the local paper. He was back at the car just as Zack was cleaning the windshield. “I got some good junk. Where do we go from here?”

“Down to the marina,” Zack responded, dropping the squeegee back in its’ bucket before sliding into the driver’s seat. “The cottage is not accessible by road; we have to use a motor boat to get to it. But first we need to pick up the keys at the caretaker’s office. The boat is fuelled and ready to go as soon as we get our supplies and luggage on board.”

Less than half an hour later, Zack was steering the motor boat up to a private pier. Just barely visible in the fast approaching darkness, was the short flight of steps and a pathway leading to a fair-size cottage nestled among the giant fir trees.

Zack secured the boat and after disembarking, the two men carefully made their way up the path with their arms loaded. Once inside, Zack gave Rene a quick tour of the cottage while dropping off parcels and packages in the kitchen along the way. They ended the short exploration in the bedroom that had been made up for their use.

“There is an older couple who take care of the place and get it ready whenever one of us is coming up,” Zack explained, placing his backpack on the bed.

“This is a really neat place. I can’t wait to see the outside in full light. I’ll bet the scenery is beautiful. The weather is supposed to be warm all weekend so we can swim and do some sunbathing,” Rene enthused.

“We’ll do all that in good time, my love,” Zack promised as he took hold of Rene’s backpack and tossed it on the bed next to his own. He pulled his husband into his arms and held him close for a few moments. “The view from the front veranda alone is breathtaking. Wait until you see it during a sunrise or a sunset. There are plenty of landscapes for you to draw and paint. But right now my stomach is growling, so let’s get a bite to eat, unpack the perishables and then hit the hay.”

Rene pressed himself into the warmth and security of Zack’s arms. This was what he needed; to get away from everything and just connect with his husband. The two men got their things organized and put away, enjoyed a light meal and then settled into bed for a bit of loving.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

It was a little after three when Rene awoke sweating and shaking from the nightmare. Wanting to put the image out of his mind, he went in search of the bathroom. He stumbled in the dark unfamiliar room, cursing as he bumped into a chair. “Damn it!”

Turning on the lamp, Zack glanced around somewhat blurry-eyed. He propped himself up on his elbows and sleepily inquired, “Are you okay, sweetheart?”

Rene was trembling from his dream and the sharp pain of a throbbing toe. “Yeah...yeah, I’m fine,” he answered, his voice shaky. “I just stubbed my foot on the way to the bathroom. Go back to sleep. It’s okay.”

Zack picked up the tremors in his husband’s voice at the same time as he noticed the rumpled bedding. “I’ll leave the light on for you,” he offered.

When Rene was out of the room, Zack reached over to feel the sheet and pillow. “A nightmare,” he sympathetically murmured at having felt a slight dampness he assumed was caused by perspiration. “And probably one more issue he will not want to talk about.” He sadly shook his head and settled back to await his lover’s return.

Rene splashed cold water on his face and tried to calm his nerves. The dream had been frightening and vivid but thank God, was fading quickly from his memory. God knows he didn’t want to remember it. He didn’t want to go back to that place and time. He needed to put it back in the past where it belonged. He didn’t need to dredge it up and bring it into the life he had now.

“The past is the past; it’s dead and gone,” he murmured to the face in the mirror. He put out the light in the bathroom and made his way back to bed where Zack lay in waiting with his arms open to him.

Zack reached for the love of his life and drew him into his strong embrace. Turning Rene to spoon around him, Zack kissed the back of his husband’s neck and shoulders, all the while murmuring words of love and security. “Go back to sleep, love. Everything is fine; I’ve got you and I’ll keep you safe.”

The older man didn’t pressure the younger one for answers. Zack expected Rene to know by now that he was there for him should Rene feel the need to share his burden. However, Zack was only willing to give Rene just so long before insisting everything be revealed.

Rene settled into the warmth of Zack’s arms and was soon sleeping peacefully.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

The next morning, Rene was awake before Zack. He gently extradited himself from the bed and after a quick trip to the washroom, made his way through the cottage and out onto the deck. Zack was right; the view was beautiful. He couldn’t wait get his sketch book out and capture some of this scenery.

However, his craving for his morning coffee was stronger than his desire to sketch so Rene went into the kitchen and found the coffee maker. Within minutes the air was filled with the rich aroma of freshly brewing coffee. While he waited for the pot to fill, Rene’s thoughts went back to the nightmare that had so rudely pulled him from his sleep last night. The memory it provoked was the one he wanted so badly to forget and he berated himself for even thinking of it again. It had been five years and he had a new life. He had to let this go before it began to damage his marriage.

The final drops of coffee fell into the pot and Rene poured a large mug full, adding cream and sugar. He was swallowing this first sip when he heard Zack come into the kitchen. He planted a welcoming smile on his face and pushed all negative thoughts from his mind. “Good morning, coffee’s ready.”

“And a good morning to you too; that coffee will really hit the spot.” Zack dropped a quick kiss on his husband’s lips. He had showered and although dressed for a warm day in the country, was still bare-foot. “How about we enjoy this outside?” he suggested after pouring himself a mug of the dark brew. He reached for Rene’s hand and led him through the sliding glass doors.

Closing his eyes and inhaling deeply, Zack sighed contentedly. “Wonderful; all the woodland noises and smells exactly as I remember them.” Taking a large gulp of his drink, he savoured it for several seconds before swallowing and smiling at Rene. “How does a trip around the lake sound? We can jump in the motor boat right after breakfast and take off for a couple of hours.”

“Sounds great! How big is the lake? Are there a lot of cottages on it?”

“It is certainly one of the smaller lakes here in the Kootenays, but still over two hundred hectares. It is stocked regularly with Rainbow trout and Kokanee salmon. There are a large number of various-sized homes and like ours, most are only accessible by boat. We won’t be able to see it all today.”

“Okay, why don’t you eat some breakfast while I shower and then we can go,” Rene suggested.

“I have a better idea. How about me preparing breakfast while you shower and then we eat together?” Zack had no intentions of taking off for the morning in the company of a Brat with an empty stomach. Coffee just didn’t cut it.

Rene sighed. His eating habits had improved dramatically since living with Zack, but he still wasn’t a breakfast person. He’d lived for years on a couple of cups of coffee as his morning meal. However, his husband has other ideas as to what constituted a healthy breakfast. “Okay, but just toast for me. I won’t be long.”

“Just toast, huh? Dream on, my lad, dream on.” Zack chuckled to himself as Rene sprinted out of the kitchen and down the hall.

Just as Rene re-entered the room, Zack was placing a soft-boiled egg, buttered toast fingers, and a bunch of grapes for each of them on the table. “Eat up, Rembrandt, and then we’ll have another cup of coffee before taking off.”

Rene looked at the breakfast. He gave a momentary thought to arguing about the amount of food laid out before him, but quickly decided that it wasn’t worth it. He knew Zack well enough to know that they’d be sitting here until the meal was consumed. Besides, now that he looked at it he realized he was kind of hungry. “Looks good; thanks,” he said with a smile.

The two men enjoyed a companionable meal as well as a second cup of Rene’s favourite drink before getting the washing up out of the way. They each grabbed a jacket at Zack’s suggestion and headed out for a couple of hours on the lake.

It was a beautiful autumn day with a light breeze blowing and the sun sparkling across the water. Rene proved an avid listener as Zack pointed out various sights and mention some of the activities he’d taken part in when younger. They arrived back at the cottage shortly after mid-day. The fresh air had left them both hungry, so lunch was the next item on their unwritten agenda.

It was over chicken salad sandwiches and potato chips that they decided they would go their separate ways for a few hours. Zack wanted to try his luck at fishing and Rene wanted to get some sketching done.

Rene waved good-bye to Zack as the older man climbed into the little boat and headed out with his fishing gear, and then settled on the deck with his sketch pad and pencils, hoping to capture some of the scenic beauty of the lake and surrounding land.

As his hand moved rapidly over the page sketching out the shoreline, his mind moved back to a time five years prior.

"Don, Professor Teasdale was asking about you. She’s not very happy that you skipped classes all week. She wants our sketches in tomorrow. Have you even started yet?” Rene stood in the apartment looking down at his depressed lover who lay slumped on the couch. “Look, I know you keep telling me that you don’t want to talk about it but you can’t go on like this. If you don’t want to talk to me, how about talking to a councillor at the school or one of the people at the L.G.B.T.A.? I’m sure they’ve known some people who’ve been through this sort of thing before. It might help.”

Don gave Rene a half-hearted smile. “I’m okay. I just need a few days. I’ll call the Prof and let her know I’ll get the sketches in next week.”

Rene sat down on the edge of the couch and took Don’s hand into his. “Things will get better.” He glanced at his watch. “I’m sorry I have to go but I’ve got an art history class in twenty minutes. I’ll be home just after four o’clock, okay?”

Don gave a nod and watched as Rene left the dingy little apartment. He slid his hand down the side of the couch and pulled out the letter he’d hidden there from his lover. He read the words again hoping that somehow he’d read them wrong the first time and that this wasn’t true. But there was no reprieve; the university was demanding payment of his tuition and now that his parents had cut him off, he had no means to pay it. He was going to have to quit school. No education meant no future; that had been drilled into him all his life. He’d been raised with the certain knowledge that education was the key to a successful life. That and family he’d been taught, were the most important things a man could have and now he had neither.

Three days went by and Don sank further and further into depression. Rene tried talking to him; tried motivating him but all the young man did was lie around the apartment wearing the same clothes. He wasn’t even bothering to wash and was barely eating. He didn’t even sleep in the bed with Rene. He just lay on the couch staring at the TV; although he certainly wasn’t watching it as he never even bothered to change the channel.

Finally, deciding he had to do something, Rene made a final attempt to push Don into reclaiming his life. “Don, get the hell off that couch; then get in the shower and get dressed. You can’t live like this any longer. For God’s sake, you stink and you need to eat.”

“Leave me the fuck alone, Rene! Just go to your class and leave me be!” Don yelled and rolled over to face the back of the sofa, ignoring his lover.

Rene was feeling desperately worried about Don, but just didn’t know what to do about it.

When he returned from class that afternoon, Rene found Don back sitting on the couch. He’d at least showered and changed clothes, though the week’s growth of beard was still on his face.

“Hey,” Rene said quietly as he took a seat beside his lover. “You look better, and that beard is looking kinda sexy.”

Don gave a smile. “Sorry I was such an ass earlier. I just needed a bit of time to pull myself together.”

Rene leaned over and gave Don a tender kiss. “It’s okay. I was just worried about you.”

“I know and I’m sorry I made you worry.” Don’s face took on a look of excitement. “You know I’ve been thinking about the plans we made for after graduation. I was wondering why we’re waiting. I mean, we could just go now. We’re artists. We should be free souls not fettered by the formality of a university education. We could scrounge up enough money to buy an old van that we could live out of and just hit the road; travel the highways and byways of this country, drawing and painting whatever inspires us along the way. We could earn enough cash to sustain us by selling our work as we travel. None of that requires a degree. What do you say, lover? Are you game?”

Rene was shocked. He looked at Don as if he’d sprung a second head. “Are you nuts? Leave university? For God’s sake, Don, we worked our asses off to get into this program and you just want to drop out on a whim?” He sighed when he saw the deflated look on Don’s face. “Oh, babe, I know you’re upset over what happened with your family but you gotta think, man. Leaving school over it isn’t going to make it better. If anything, it will make it worse. We need an education, we need that degree. It’s our future.”

Don’s face grew angry. “It might be your fucking future but it’s not mine! You don’t wanna come with me, okay! Then I’ll go by myself!” He leapt up from the couch and shoved his feet into the sandals parked by the front door.

Rene was confused and hurt by Don’s words. He knew they were fuelled by his depression over his family but Rene had begun to think he had a serious future with Don. Don had always been so loving and kind, but this man wasn’t talking at all like the lover he thought he knew. Was their relationship coming to an end over this?

“Don, please let’s talk about this,” he called after his retreating lover.

“You said how you feel, Rene. What more is there to say? I’m going for a walk!”

The door slammed and Rene was alone wondering just what had happened.

It was after two am when Rene heard the door to their tiny apartment open. Don stumbled through the door, tripping over the row of boxes he’d yet to move since bringing them here from his parents’ home.

Rene sat up in bed. “Don, are you okay?”

“Yeah, just fucking wonderful; so wonderful I think I’ll throw a fucking party!” a slurred angry voice replied.

Flicking on the bedside lamp, Rene looked over to where Don sat on the floor. The young blonde was obviously drunk and in a foul mood. Rene sighed and climbed from the bed. He bent down and took a hold of his lover’s hand. “Come on, let me help you up off the floor and into bed.”

Don yanked his hand from Rene’s grasp. “Fuck off! If I wanna sit on the fucking floor, I’ll fucking sit it! I don’t need your help or anyone else’s!”

Rene felt tears fill his eyes at Don’s words. He didn’t know what to do or say to help and he didn’t want to set his lover off anymore, so he quietly returned to the alcove where their bed stood. He listened for a long time until he heard Don move from the floor to the sofa.

He slept very little that night, tossing and turning as he worried about Don and wondered what he might do to help. He and Don had hit it off immediately when they met the first day of class in their freshman year. Rene had marvelled at how quickly Don had gotten him to admit that he was gay. Rene had never told another living soul up until that point but soon found himself confiding all his feelings to this charismatic young man. Don had had some experience during his high school years but Rene had been a virgin until Don had made love to him only a week after they met. Don had been so gentle and yet wonderfully passionate, that Rene quickly fell in love.

It had been Don who found the little one-room studio apartment and Don who paid the larger portion of the rent since Rene didn’t have quite enough money to afford half. Don was such a kind and considerate lover. He was always doing small things to surprise Rene and was always there for Rene whenever he had a problem.

Don had always seemed confident and self-assured, but now all that seemed to have changed. Things had been great until they’d attended that damn LGBTA meeting and the speaker had worked up everyone in attendance. ‘Come out to the world’ they’d been told, and Rene got so caught up in the inspiring stories that he’d pushed Don into telling his parents and now what had happened? Don had been disowned by his family and Rene realized it was his fault. He didn’t know what he could do to help but he made a silent promise to do whatever it took to make things better for his lover. Little did he know that he would never get a chance to fulfill that promise.

Rene had gone to class the following morning, leaving Don still passed out on the couch. He was hoping to find his lover in a better state when he returned late that afternoon; however, that was not to be the case. What he found shocked him. There were empty beer bottles on the floor and coffee table, and Don was in their bed with another man. The two were sleeping but Don woke when Rene let out a gasp of surprise.

Rene grabbed a duffle bag from the closet and began shoving clothes into it as quickly as he could.

Don staggered from the bed, tripping over blankets as he tried to reach his lover. “Rene, wait! It’s not what you think!” He grabbed Rene by the arm trying to stop the frantic packing. His breath smelled of beer and sex. “Rene baby, don’t go. It’s nothing. I need you.”

“No! No, you don’t.” Rene cried. “You need him; whoever he is.” Rene pointed to the other man who was now sitting up in the bed looking bewildered. He pulled sharply from Don’s grasp. “Let me go, Don.” He ran for the door with only a few articles of clothing in the bag.

“Sure, you little coward; run!” Don yelled after him. “Run away!”

Rene ended up crashing in the dorm room of a friend that night and crying his heart out. He made it through the next two days with the help of some friends. Although he knew he had to go back to the apartment for this stuff and see if there was any way he could get a room for himself in the dorm, he just didn’t seem to have the strength to face Don. He knew he should talk to his lover. As angry as he was at Don for cheating on him, he was still feeling guilty for being the cause behind it all.

He’d spent an hour staring blankly at his canvas in Professor Teasdale’s class when she approached him.

“Rene, please see me after class,” she quietly instructed.

‘Fuck! Now I’m in trouble with my Prof.’

When the other students had departed, Rene nervously approached the distinguished art professor.

“Let’s go to my office.” She guided the way down the corridor of the old building until they reached a more private room. “Have a seat, Rene. Would you like a cup of tea?” She plugged in a small kettle and brought out mugs and a box of tea bags. “I have either green or herbal.”

“No, thanks,” Rene replied with a shake of his head.

She opened a small bar-fridge beside her cluttered desk and pulled out a bottle. “Water, then?”

“Sure, thank you.” Rene took the bottle and twisted off the top. He took a long draw of the cold liquid to quench his throat which had gone dry from nervousness.

Professor Teasdale sat against the front edge of her desk and gave Rene a gentle smile. “Rene, you’re one of my best students and normally I have to restrain your enthusiasm. But the last while you’ve hardly been keeping up and to be honest, you look like the walking dead. University can be a wonderful time but it also can be a source of stress. I want you to know that I’m here to help if you want to talk.”

Rene chewed on his lip, trying to formulate a reply, but settled for a shake of his head. “Thanks, but I’m okay. It’s just some personal stuff. I’m sorry if it interfered with my work.”

“I assume this has something to do with Don Stott dropping out of school?”

Rene looked up, surprised by the professor’s words. “He actually quit? I mean formally?”

“Yes, he sent a letter of resignation to the university this afternoon. I’m terribly disappointed. He is a very gifted artist and it is a shame to see him throwing away his education like this.”

Rene could no longer contain the emotions that had been building up inside of him these last days. Tears began to escape his eyes. He tried to excuse himself and leave before he totally embarrassed himself, but the professor stopped him.

“Rene, please tell me what’s happened. Perhaps I can help.”

It wasn’t until she told Rene that she knew that he and Don were lovers that he finally gave in and explained the whole situation to her. They talked for a long while. Lily Teasdale proved to be a very helpful, understanding friend as well as a professor. In the end, she persuaded Rene to allow her to accompany him back to the apartment so that they could talk with Don together and see if they couldn’t help straighten things out.

What they found would scar them both for life. But Rene’s scars would run much deeper than even he would realize.

A pair of chipmunks fighting over territory startled Rene from his memories. He hadn’t even realized he’d been crying until he noticed a teardrop had fallen on his sketch pad, marring the drawing. He tossed the pad aside, no longer in the mood to draw.

Zack would be gone for a while yet, so he decided to go for a run. He used to run when he was in university. It helped to clear his mind. He changed into loose shorts and a t-shirt, and headed out down one of the trails that wound its’ way around the lake. He ran for over an hour and was just arriving back at the cottage drenched in sweat, when he heard Zack’s motor boat arriving at the dock.

Zack shut off the motor, hopped out of the boat and moored it to the side of the dock. He reached down and hauled out his catch and equipment before sauntering along the path to the cottage. He smiled when he saw Rene.

“Fresh trout for supper,” he called out as he took the steps up to the veranda two at a time. His smile faded slightly as Rene caught up to him. “Since when did sketching turn into such a physically demanding activity, Rembrandt?” he half-teasingly, half-seriously inquired when he noticed the condition of his husband’s clothing.

“I...went for... a run,” Rene puffed out, trying to catch his breath. He leaned forward and braced his hands on his knees while breathing deeply and slowly until he was able to talk normally. “Whew, I really need to get more exercise if I’m this out of breath after only an hour’s running.”

“An hour?” Zack’s eyebrows rose. “Over terrain that to you, is unchartered? No wonder you’re winded. Go take a shower, love, and cool off. I’ll heat up the bar-b-que and get a meal started.”

Once the bar-b-que was going, Zack deftly peeled and cut up potatoes, carrots and onions. He tightly wrapped them in aluminum foil with a sprinkling of spices and placed them on the hottest part of the grill to cook while he gutted and cleaned the fish.

Rene sighed as the cool water poured over him, rinsing away the sticky sweat. As he washed he allowed himself to consider what he wanted to do about the rapidly approaching anniversary date. He had gone to the grave every year on that day, just as he had sworn to do on the morning they had buried Don. Even when he’d been on the road living out of his car, he’d made the pilgrimage home to lay the bouquet of ivy and a single rose on the grave. How could he fail to go? And yet how could he go without telling Zack why? He could never share that shame with his husband. He wanted nothing more than for Zack to be proud of him. If Zack really knew what a coward he was; if he saw him in that reality, he would be ashamed of him. He’d regret marrying someone who was so weak he would leave his lover when that lover needed him the most.

Silent tears of shame and regret fell down his face. He adjusted the water temperature so that it ran pure cold to cool the redness in his eyes and then he stood under the punishing spray until he was shivering.

Out of the shower, he roughly towel dried his hair and got dressed in sweats and a t-shirt. Goosebumps were raised on his arms as he padded barefoot out towards the deck where Zack was grilling their dinner. The patio table was set and the dinner appeared to be nearly ready.

Rene stood silently watching Zack work and knew that he had found happiness with this man. He again admonished himself that the past was the past and standing over a grave would not change what was. He needed to live in the here and now, and put this out of his mind.

He drew in a deep breath, planted a smile on his face and walked outside. “Mmmm, smells good.”

“I hope it also tastes good,” Zack responded, placing a platter of fish that had been grilled to perfection on the table.

They shared their afternoon experiences and made tentative plans for later as they hungrily cleaned their plates.

For the most part, Rene managed to keep memories of Don at bay for the remainder of the weekend. Zack and he spent time swimming, taking walks and enjoying the leisurely pace of cottage life. Rene had even taken a try at fishing but lasted only an hour before growing too fidgety to sit still waiting for a bite. All too soon Monday arrived and they headed back home to Jade Heights.

It was during the drive home that thoughts of Don and making his visit to the grave began to nag at Rene again. The impossibility of the situation seemed to eat a hole in his stomach. In order to fulfill his graveside promise to his former lover, he would have to tell the story Zack and that was just impossible. He half considered lying to Zack and coming up with some excuse to go to Vancouver. However, he knew he could never tell such a bold lie to his husband. It was bad enough to keep things from him, but it was another thing altogether to lie right to his face.

‘But you are already a liar!’ his conscience yelled at him. ‘You sit beside this man whom you do not deserve and smile and never tell him what a weak coward he married.’

Rene let out a silent sigh and wished he’d never asked his mom to send him those boxes. He thought that if he’d never see those paintings and been reminded so vividly of the past, that this wouldn’t be bothering him so much. He made a resolution to repack the contents this week and hopefully pack up this guilt and misery with them.

It would only be a couple of days from now when Zack would look back and kick himself for not accomplishing what he had hoped to do over this long weekend.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

After being plagued by the same bad dreams on Monday and Tuesday nights, Rene entered his studio on Wednesday morning with the resolve to pack away his past. He steeled himself as he threw off the cloth covering the box containing Don’s paintings. He had a roll of wide packing tape and planned to seal the box and carry it down to store on the back of the shelves in the garage. As he was poised to tape it closed, he began to question the contents of the box. All he’d really looked at were the two paintings. What if there were other things in there that he would want?

So with shaking hands, Rene opened the carton and lifted out the canvases. He put them carefully to the side and began to look through what remained inside. A few school books, some art literature and magazines were stacked neatly within. At the bottom of the box there was a photo album which he knew contained pictures of him and Don as well as many others from his college days. Determined not to open the album and drag up further memories, he gently placed the canvases in the box with the photo album and then carried the stack of books and magazines over to his small desk. He flipped through them, quickly determining which ones were worthy of keeping and stacking them on his bookshelf.

As he was carrying a stack of outdated magazines to the recycle bin, an envelope fluttered to the floor. Rene froze when he saw the handwriting on the face. “Oh God, no,” he spoke aloud before dropping the magazines on the floor and bending to retrieve the somewhat battered envelope.

The paper had the very soft and worn appearance of having been handled many times. On the outside was simply scrolled ‘Rene’ but the contents he knew well. It contained a letter he could recite word for word. Still he could not stop himself from opening it and pulling out the carefully folded sheet of ruled paper. Down one side, it was torn and frayed from having been ripped from a spiral-bound notebook and it was beginning to split along the fold lines. The ink was smudged in several places from old tear stains but the words were still legible written in Don’s tightly camped handwriting.

As Rene stared at the pages, the full impact of the worst day of his life, came flooding back to him. Nothing could have prepared him for what he’d found that afternoon.

When Rene and Professor Teasdale arrived at the little apartment, Rene knocked tentatively. He was unsure if he had the right to just let himself in after having left the way he did. He also feared that he might find Don and that other man in bed again. When there was no answer, Rene pulled the key from his pocket and opened the door.

Rene remembered little of the next hour. The only part to remain burned in his memory was the sight of Don’s body hanging from the frame of the ceiling fan. Professor Teasdale had pulled him out into the hallway and called 911 from her cell phone. He knew there were paramedics, police and fire department personnel crowded into the tiny room. He vaguely recalled answering questions put to him by the police officer.

The next days were a nightmare of arrangements and dealing with officials and family. The family was the shortest and the worst of it all. Don’s parents had refused to have anything to do with the funeral or Don’s meagre estate settlement. In the end, a collection amongst the students and faculty had paid for the simple service and cremation. They buried Don’s ashes in a small plot with a marker stone that had been beautifully carved by one of his fellow art students.

When the ashes were lowered into the ground, Rene placed a simple bouquet of ivy with a single yellow rose on the marker. “I will remember,” he swore.

A week after the funeral, Rene was called down to the police station. A very kind public relations officer brought him into his office. “Mr. Wilson, since Mr. Stott’s death has been ruled as a suicide, we have been authorized to release those things collected in his apartment on the day of his death. A letter he wrote, appointed you as his soul heir and since his family have declined any claim on his possessions, they are now yours. As well, the apartment has been released and you are free to deal with it as you see fit. It is my understanding from the landlord that the rent is paid until the end of October.”

The officer opened a plastic bag, removed two envelopes and handed them to Rene. “This letter is addressed to you. I’m sorry that is had to be taken as evidence but that is normal procedure in a death such as this, until we are confident that no foul play was involved. This other envelope contains twelve hundred and twenty dollars in cash and a hand-written will dated the day of Mr. Stott’s death.”

Rene didn’t open either of the envelopes until he reached the room in the dorm that Professor Teasdale had arranged for him. He had stayed in her spare room for the first few days after they’d found Don but eventually he’d insisted that he had to get his own place and she’d pushed through the paperwork to get him a dorm room. The little room was stark and impersonal as most all of his possessions were still in the apartment that had been sealed by the police until the investigation was closed.

Finally alone in his room, Rene opened the first envelope. It contained a thick bundle of cash and a very simply worded will.

I, Donald George Stott, leave all my earthly possessions and money to Rene Albert Wilson, to dispose of at his will. This envelope contains twelve hundred and twenty dollars, which is the sum total of my finances. Along with the contents of my apartment at 134 Maple Lane, it is all I have to leave this world.

With shaking hands Rene carefully opened the second envelope, unfolded the page and began to read:

Dear Rene,

I know you can never forgive me for what I did to you. Please try to remember me from when things were good. We did have some good times, didn’t we? Like the hours we spent on our first year project, sketching and then painting the tiniest details of the ivy vines that grow on the fine arts building. You said you never wanted to look at ivy again but I always smile when I see it, as it reminds me of you. That and yellow roses. I never told you but the dean caught me stealing those rose buds from his garden. I thought for sure he would suspend me for theft or something but he asked if it was for my love and when I said yes it was our one month anniversary, he just said to take it with his blessing as he’d always given his wife yellow roses on their anniversary.

Rene, I hope you will follow through with what we both dreamed of. Finish school and then travel this great country, sharing your beautiful gift of art with those you meet along the way.

I wish I could give you more, Rene, but I have nothing left in me to give. I can’t take the pain any longer. There is nothing left for me in this world. My family doesn’t want me and I’ve driven you away. I can’t go on in school. I just can’t go on at all.

Please forgive me. Goodbye, my love,

Don

Now, five years later, the letter hadn’t changed and neither had he. He was still the same man who had pushed Don into coming out to his parents and then didn’t have the courage to stick by him when things turned out so bad. He’d run off at the first bit of trouble and left his partner in such despair, he’d taken his own life. The grief of those early days after Don’s death came rushing back. Rene’s mind grew clouded with visions of Don hanging lifeless from the ceiling.

Who the hell did he think he was, trying to be a partner and husband to a man like Zack? He was no more worthy of Zack than he had been of Don. He loved Zack but then he’d loved Don too, and just look what had happened. Zack would be better off without him.

If asked later what he’d been thinking as he packed and ran, Rene couldn’t have explained it at all. He would only be able to describe a sense of panic and fear. How he composed the letter he wrote to Zack, he had no idea. It almost seemed as if it were all done by someone else. He only knew he had to get Vancouver; he’d promised Don he would be there. Many hours later in the aged Reliant K car, Rene made his way back to the place he’d been five years ago this day.

He’d had to put oil in the engine with every gas fill-up along the drive. The engine finally seized up as he neared the little florist shop by the cemetery. With the ivy and rose bouquet clutched in his hand, Rene knelt at the little gravestone and wept. What had he done? He’d lost it all. He’d left his husband and his life behind and now he didn’t even know why.

He spent two hours kneeling by the grave until it grew dark and began to rain. Finally, he made his way back to the broken-down car, gathered his bag and walked until he found a little motel with a vacancy sign. He knew he could have called his sister or his parents and had a place to stay with them, but he couldn’t bring himself to face anyone he knew. Instead he sat in the grubby little room and cried himself to sleep.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Although they had returned home physically refreshed from their holiday weekend, Zack found himself being bothered by a niggling feeling that his husband was keeping something hidden from him.

It was a slow day at the pharmacy and rather than send one of his staff home, thereby shortening an employee’s pay week, Zack decided to take the afternoon off.

Arriving home shortly before one o’clock, he merrily called out Rene’s name as soon as he walked through the front door. He stopped and listened to the sound of silence that greeted him. It surprised him as his husband’s car was parked in the driveway.

Walking into the kitchen, Zack tossed his keys on the table. They slid across the smooth surface, drawing his attention to the letter leaning against the salt and pepper shakers. His name was neatly written on the envelope in Rene’s artistic script.

He slowly sank down unto a chair he was unaware of having pulled out from under the table as he re-read the words that left him completely dumbfounded.

Zack,

This is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do, but you deserve so much more than I can give; so much more than I am. Please know that the one thing I have never lied to you about, is that I love you. But had you known the truth about what kind of coward I am, you’d never have wanted me. I thought things would be different when I met you. I thought that I could make a new life. But I was wrong; the past always comes back to haunt me.

I know this seems sudden and you’re wondering what made this happen. I wish I could tell you, but I’m just too ashamed. I have something that I have to do today, so I’ve had to leave rather quickly. Once I figure out what I’m going to do, I’ll contact you about getting all my stuff out of the house.

I’m so very sorry, Zack. I know you can never forgive me, but I do love you more than I can say. I have taken my old car. You can sell the Corolla since it was paid for with your money.

Love,
Rene

Zack stared vacantly at the sheet of paper in his hand and worked at overcoming the stabbing pain in his chest. Realizing he was in no state to go after his runaway lover and badly in need of someone to talk to, he decided to seek help from one of the people he had always gone to in the past. Still clutching the letter, he hurriedly left the house and drove to his parents’ home.

He found his father working in his study and from the look of concern that swept across the older man’s face; it was obvious that Zack’s anguish showed clearly on his own.

“Rene’s left me,” he blurted out. He sat down heavily in the chair facing his father and pushed the crumpled letter across the desk.

Hayden couldn’t have been more shocked by his son’s words. He felt his stomach clench as he hastily read the letter. ‘What the hell had happened?’ He walked from behind the desk and crouched down so he could make close eye contact with his son and laid a gentle hand on Zack’s knee. “Zack, have you any idea what’s behind this?”

The love and compassion in his father’s eyes helped some. “None,” Zack sadly shook his head. “The letter was rather cryptic. It mentioned the past haunting him and something about his being a coward.” Leaning forward, he dropped his head and ran his fingers roughly through his hair. There was despair, bewilderment, frustration and a touch of fear in the action; as well as some guilt.

Glancing back up, Zack emotionally admitted, “It’s my fault. I’ve failed him. Over the past week or so, I suspected something was troubling him and gave him plenty of opportunities to talk about it, but he didn’t. Hell, I even took him away last weekend with just that in mind, but we never got around to it. Somewhere along the road, I’ve neglected to build his trust in me and he’s unable to share his heaviest burdens with the one person he should be able to.”

“My son, this is not your doing or your fault. It is obvious Rene is seriously troubled by something from his past. However, you will never make me believe that you have failed him. Just because you are his Top does not make you responsible for his withholding whatever is troubling him. You’re not a mind reader and you could not have known the depth of his troubles.” Hayden’s heart was aching for his only child. He realized at that moment that no matter how old your child is, you will never stop hurting when they hurt. He stood and patted Zack on the shoulder. “Come on in the kitchen. I’m going to fix us some coffee and we can talk. Papa won’t be home for an hour or more; he’s gone for a pedicure.”

Zack picked up the letter and followed his father out of the study. He plunked himself down at the kitchen counter and watched as the older man got mugs, spoons, cream and sugar out.

“I know I’m not a mind-reader, Dad, but I had an inkling Rene was upset just by his behaviour. He’s been moody for over week now, to the point of being surly a couple of times. He has also been having nightmares; twice that I’m aware of. But how do you get your Brat to open up when he keeps saying everything is fine? How do you call him on it, even if you strongly suspect he is lying?”

Hayden sighed. He knew Zack was looking for advice and answers. Although Hayden wanted to provide those, he didn’t want to provide his son with reinforcement of his current self-doubts. “Zack, do not allow yourself to fall into the trap that so many Tops do. The trap that says you’re the Top and you should be able to solve all the problems and know everything that is going on with your partner. Despite the dynamic, your partner is still an adult and is equally as responsible to share what’s going on with him as you are responsible to share what’s going on with you.”

The smell of brewing coffee filled the room as Hayden spoke. “I am sure that you did call him on his moodiness and that you encouraged him to speak to you. If he chose not to, then, he failed you, son; not the other way around. You also need to accept the fact that your relationship is still young. You both have a lot to learn about each other. After all these years, your Papa can still surprise me. So don’t go thinking that you should just know. It’s simply not possible.”

“Right; nothing’s ever simple,” Zack desolately mumbled as he slowly perused the letter once again. “God, I hate guessing games. I never was any good at them. Hmm, he writes I might be wondering what happened. Like that’s not an understatement.” Zack frowned as he took the time to concentrate more on what he was reading. “He says I can never forgive him. Where the hell does he come off second guessing me like that? I love him! There is nothing he could do that would change how I feel about him.” The unexpected feelings of anger mingling with the searing pain only added to his confusion and misery. He savagely shoved the letter away and accepted the mug of black coffee from his father. He unthinkingly gulped down a mouthful of the hot liquid.

He turned red and his eyes watered as a result of the burning sensation flowing down his throat. Getting up, he hurried over to the sink and turned on the cold water. Then he filled and drank several glasses worth until his entire oesophagus cooled down.

Hayden rushed to Zack’s side and rubbed his back as he was gulping down the water. “Are you all right?”

“Yes, I guess I better pay more attention to what I’m doing,” he sheepishly admitted as he sat down again.

“Zack, I wonder if maybe Rene is projecting when he says that you can never forgive him. Perhaps this is about something for which he has never forgiven himself. Since this is about his past, have you thought of calling his mother or sister and seeing if they know something?”

Zack sipped at his coffee while giving his father’s words a couple of minutes thought. “The only thing I thought about after reading the letter was my need to talk to you. But I get your point and if you are right, I can’t see Rene talking to anybody; not even his family. His guilt wouldn’t allow him to, especially had it happen near or during the time his parents were trying to come to grips with his sexual orientation. Since coming out several years ago, he hasn’t exactly found it easy talking to them about personal issues.”

He shook his head as he verbalized his thoughts on the idea of notifying his husband’s family. “I don’t think I want to call them just yet. They’ll probably have more questions than I will and my not being able to answer may upset them unnecessarily. I’d rather wait until I’ve had a chance to clarify my own feelings first before deciding my next move. Am I making any sense, Dad? Or am I too over-wrought at the moment to even think straight?”

“You’re making perfect sense, son. If as you suspect, this is tied to something that Rene could not discuss with his family then contacting them at this point would only cause worry and upset Rene further if he knew they’d been called.” Hayden paused to think. “You said the only thing you thought of after reading the letter was talking to me. Have you tried calling Rene’s cell phone yet? See if you can reach him or at least leave a message telling him that you want to talk; that there is nothing you cannot overcome with communication. Tell him that you love him.”

Zack smacked his forehead with the palm of his hand. “God, I never even thought about doing that. I really am losing it,” he grumbled as he pulled his cell phone out of his jacket pocket. He hit the speed dial for Rene’s phone; then drummed his fingertips on the counter while he waited for Rene to answer.

He got up and wandered into the hallway when a voice came on. He returned to the kitchen a couple of minutes later, looking disappointed. “Rene’s not answering. I left a message.” With that, he slumped back down in his chair and watched his father pour him a second cup of coffee.

“I’m feeling wiped out, Dad. I think I’ll wait until the morning before deciding what my next move should be. Maybe, Rene will reconsider and call me.” Zack didn’t really look convinced.

The back door bursting open allowed a warm breeze to waft into the room and announced Todd’s arrival at the same time.

His hair was wind-blown, his cheeks rosy and his eyes sparkling with happiness. “What a wonderful surprise to have you drop by mid-week like this, Zack.” Todd lifted several shopping bags onto the table and leaned over to plant a kiss on his son’s cheek and then turned to greet his husband. He then looked at the two men with hands on his hips and asked with feigned annoyance, “It’s a beautiful, sunny day out there, so why have I come home to a couple of gloomy-guses?”

His demeanour rapidly changed and he stepped closer to Hayden when he saw Zack send a silent plea to his father. “What bad news does our son prefer you to be the bearer of, Hayden?” he quietly inquired.

Hayden pulled Todd into a hug and looked into the large blue eyes. “Rene has left Zack. He left a rather cryptic letter about the past haunting him. Whatever it is, he seems to feel it is some dreadful sin for which Zack will be unable to forgive him. At this point we have no idea where he has gone.”

“No! There must be some mistake.” Todd pushed back in disbelief. Any hopes he had that such might be the case, were quickly dashed as he took in their expressions. He reached over and took Zack’s hand. “Rene is madly in love with you. He’d walk through fire for you, just as you would for him. What happened? Or should I ask what didn’t happen?” His voice was soft as he tried to find answers to make sense of what he’d just been told.

“I’m don’t really know, Papa. Something seemed to be bothering him the past several days, but he wouldn’t talk about it. He kept saying everything was fine.”

Todd pulled himself up to his full height which was still a few inches shorter than either of the other two men in the room, and frowned at his son. “Then you should have spanked him,” he said rather adamantly.

Zack blinked his eyes in surprise and glanced over to see his Dad’s take on this statement.

Hayden looked at his husband with a loving but mildly exasperated expression. “Todd, you of all people should understand that is a private matter between Zack and Rene, and not something for us to judge.”

“I wasn’t passing judgement, Hayden,” Todd protested. He maintained full eye-contact with his son. “Zack, it’s unfortunate that Tops find it so difficult to think like a Brat. It would really come in handy at times; like when a Brat craves something and is not only unable to ask for what he needs, but may not even be aware that there is something he needs to begin with. I am not taking sides here; I just want to help you better understand. You and Rene are relatively new at all this, you know.”

Realising he had gained his son’s complete interest; Todd paused and drew in a deep breath before continuing as calmly as possible. “I’m sure we all have times when we’re confused, hurt, unsure and/or frightened. And most of us handle those occasions better than a few others. But there will always be some of us who have a harder time and will unintentionally mess up. Please, don’t think I’m speaking personally here.” Todd glanced up at the taller man beside him when he thought he overheard a groaned, ‘Oh my God!’ and caught Hayden looking skyward as if praying for help. “Okay, so maybe I’ve messed up a time or two, but I was much younger then.” He stamped his foot when this time he clearly heard ‘and pigs fly’ sputtered out of the mouth of his husband. “Hayden, stop it!” he demanded, missing the sparkle of humour in their son’s eyes.

“Papa!” Zack got both his parents’ undivided attention. “I do understand what you’re saying. And,” he nodded and looked rather sheep-faced. “I think you’ve hit the proverbial nail on the head, but that’s hind-sight for you.”

“What are you planning to do now, son?” Todd’s voice was gentle and totally lacking in accusation or reproach; his own pain apparent.

“Actually, I was just telling Dad moments before you got here that I really didn’t feel up to handling the situation just yet. I think it best if I wait until the morning before making any decisions.”

“Yes, I totally agree,” Hayden replied; then looked over to Todd. “Sweetheart, is there fresh bedding in the spare room? Zack will be spending the night here.” When Zack opened his mouth to protest, Hayden raised his hand and shook his head. “Don’t even think about arguing. I won’t have you going back to the house to sit there alone and brood. It’s nearly supper time and Papa promised me Swedish meatballs tonight, which I know are a favourite of yours. So you’ll stay with us tonight and get a fresh start on things in the morning.”

“Of course, you’re staying, son. Your room is always ready for you.” Todd began rooting through the parcels he had brought in with him. “You two take your coffee and go into the living room while I take care of things out here.”

“Thanks, Dad, Papa. I’d really prefer to stay here. And not making my own supper is also very appealing.” Zack actually felt relieved at not having to spend the evening alone. He would have invited himself had he thought about it and was grateful for his father’s insight.

As they made their way to the living room, Zack shook his head sadly. “I don’t even know where Rene is spending the night.”

“I wouldn’t fret, son. He’s a resourceful young man who managed to live out of his car for almost a year before he met you.”

“Yes, I suppose you’re right. You know, Dad, Papa brought up a good line of reasoning. Rene and I have gone over this issue of not communicating several times in the year and a half we’ve been together. He’s been punished for keeping things from me, but I couldn’t have made much of an impression.” Zack sat of the sofa, staring into his mug and contemplating how to go about asking his father’s advice on a topic he was unsure himself if he even wanted to consider.

Hayden had to hold back a smile of amusement at Zack’s comment. Not that he found the situation funny, but Zack’s perception of time certainly was one of a young person. “You know your Papa and I have been together for more than thirty years and there are still issues even after all this time that need reinforcement. Human beings will far too often repeat their mistakes, especially ones which arise from deep-seeded issues. And frankly, son, a year and a half is not a very long time. However, you do make a point when you comment on the lack of impression you’ve made. Sometimes you need to up a punishment as it were, either by increasing the severity or adding something extra to it; or when the need calls for it, both.”

“I can see were ‘upping’ it as you put it, may be called for. But I want to be sure I am doing so for the right reason.” Zack sat up straighter, looked his father in the eye and after giving it another moment’s thought, calmly inquired, “Do you still have that paddle you used on me when you realized I had kind of been spying on you and Papa?”

“Kind of been spying?” Hayden laughed. “Yes, it’s in the bottom drawer of my desk. You’re more than welcome to borrow it.”

“Thank you, I think I will. Don’t know if I’ll use it or not, but it won’t hurt to keep it handy should the need arise.”

Father and son talked about discipline options for a while longer until they heard Todd calling from the kitchen bringing the subject to a close.

He had a chore for each of them. “Hayden, would you mind draining the egg noodles for me while Zack gets a pitcher of ice water on the table, please. I’ll just finish off this salad and everything will be ready.”

Dinner was a quiet affair with Todd cajoling Zack to eat as the younger man picked at his food. After they cleaned up, Hayden suggested a card game in hopes of distracting his son from his worry. However, that diversion didn’t last long and they ended up watching television for a while.

Zack eventually excused himself to make a couple of phone calls. He had been contemplating over how to get a jump on the morning and realized he needed to arrange for someone to replace him for a few days at the pharmacy. Adjusting the staff’s schedule a bit and getting a hold of the former pharmacist, freed up the time Zack felt was crucial for finding Rene and getting their lives back on track.

He re-entered the family room feeling a little better at having done something constructive. He told his parents of the arrangements he’d made and then bade them goodnight. “I know it’s only nine-thirty, but I’m lousy company. I want you to know how much I appreciate you both being here for me. I’d be a basket case without your support.” Zack kissed them both and headed upstairs, calling over his shoulder as he left the room. “Love ya both. See ya in the morning.”

Todd slowly followed while Hayden locked up for the night. He had held back all evening, trying so hard to remain strong for their son. But now he was exhausted and unable to hold back his emotions any longer. He made it though his bedtime routine on autopilot. Upon entering the master bedroom from the en suite, he glanced around as if lost and then sank down on the foot of the bed.

Dropping his head into his hands, he let the floodgates open. This is where Hayden found him. Todd glanced up at his husband through tear-filled eyes. “It’s time like these that have me wishing he was small again; back in the days when a kiss, a cuddle, a cookie and a Pooh Bear bandage would heal his little ‘owies’. And what about poor Rene? Where could that young man be and what is he doing? I just hope he’s in a safe place.”

Hayden sat down beside Todd and drew him into his arms. “I know how you’re feeling, my love. It’s horrible to see him hurting like this. However, I have faith that Zack’s inner strength will carry him through and that he will find Rene and together they’ll sort everything out. Those two were made for each other. I’m sure this is just one of those nasty bumps in the road that they’ll get around and be all the stronger for in the end.” He kissed Todd’s tear-stained cheek. “Come on, into bed and try to sleep. Things will be better tomorrow. I’m sure of it.”

Todd wasn’t the only one crying himself to sleep that night. Zack lay on his back in the spare bedroom, the vice around his heart painfully tightening. His arm was bent over his eyes as big, hot tears rolled unchecked down the sides of his face and soaked into the pillow. “Keep yourself safe, my beloved, until I find you and we’re together again,” he choked out his fervent plea into the dark, lonely night.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Zack rolled over and glanced blurry-eyed at the illuminated numbers on the clock. Five-fifty-two AM, no wonder it was still rather dark out. He was somewhat surprised to discover he had slept at all. He got up at the prodding of his bladder and padded into the bathroom. That taken care of, he quietly dressed and headed downstairs.

First thing he noticed when he turned on the kitchen light, was the paddle sitting on the counter. He sadly shook his head and compressed his lips as he picked it up.

Finding paper and a pencil, he quickly jotted down a short note.

Dad and Papa:
Thanks for the refuge and support last night. I can’t wait around any longer. I have to start my search for Rene. I’ll be heading out as soon as I get home and cleaned up some. I will keep you informed and notify you if I catch up with my little runaway.
Love, Zack

Less than twenty minutes after waking up, Zack let himself into his empty house. It sounded so eerie; not at all the happy, contented atmosphere he was used to. He turned on a couple of lights as he walked through the kitchen and into the hallway.

The flashing red light on the phone attracted his attention. He made a dash for it, desperately hoping it was a message from Rene. It wasn’t! But it was helpful in that the Vancouver police were notifying one Rene Pierce that his car had been impounded.

One call and Zack knew what area of the big city his husband had last been behind the wheel of his car. To Zack, this was a major break.

He excitedly called his Dad, forgetting that his parents would still be in bed. Not that they minded being disturbed and they were as ecstatic about the news as their son was. They wished him God-speed and told him they’d be staying in all day, praying for more good news.

Zack packed a couple of sandwiches and some fresh fruit in a small cooler. That along with the thermos of coffee he made would have to sustain him as he had no plans to stop once he’d fuelled the car and was on the open highway. The sun was up and the clock reading ten to seven when Zack drove out of town. He’d been up less than an hour.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Rene woke to the crashing sound of trash cans being emptied outside of the motel. He lay in the bed for more than half an hour before summoning the energy to get up and use the washroom. He hadn’t felt this empty, this devoid of life since the day they’d found Don.

His head was pounding and his stomach felt sick. He realized that he hadn’t eaten anything since leaving Jade Heights yesterday morning. Though he had no interest in food, he decided a coffee would help with the pain in his head. He’d seen a Tim Hortons on his way here last night, so he dressed without showering and walked down the street to the small restaurant.

He took a seat by the window and watched the city traffic picking up as the rush hour began. Rene scratched at the day’s growth of beard on his face and tried to think of what he was going to do with his life. God, how he missed Zack! He wanted so badly to feel his husband’s strong arms around him, making him feel safe and secure. But that wasn’t going to happen. He’d thrown his marriage away. He’d ruined everything!

After finishing his third cup of coffee, Rene wandered out of the shop and found himself back at the cemetery. It was an amazingly peaceful spot in the centre of a busy urban area. The designers of this cemetery had put up hedging and trees in sufficient number that visitors could feel removed from the rush of city life around them. Rene took a seat on a bench a few yards from Don’s grave, and sat lost in his thoughts.

About mid-morning, a tall slender woman crossed the grass and stopped at Don’s marker. She bent and placed a bouquet of flowers against the stone, next to the one Rene had placed there the night before. She stood in silence for several minutes before turning to leave. As she walked past the bench where Rene sat, their eyes met and the woman’s face broke into a broad smile.

“Rene!” Her smile faltered slightly as she took in Rene’s haggard appearance.

Rene offered a wan smile in return. “Professor Teasdale.”

Lily Teasdale sat down on the bench and drew one of Rene’s hands into her own. “It’s wonderful to see you, Rene. I knew you’d been by when I saw the flowers. Are you in town with Zackary?”

Rene squeezed his eyes shut and shook his head. Hearing Zack’s name caused a stab of pain through his chest. “No...No, I’m here alone.”

“Rene, if you don’t mind my saying so; you look dreadful. Is there something wrong?”

“I’m just a little tired,” Rene lied. “I should go. It was nice seeing you again, Professor.”

She held tight to his hand, not letting the young man move off the bench. “Please, after all this time I think you can call me Lily. And I also think that you’re more than tired.” She paused to look at the anguished face of her former student. “Rene, where is Zackary?”

“He’s...he’s in Jade Heights.”

“So you’re not here with anyone?”

Rene shook his head.

“Well it just so happens that I’m free this morning and I’m starving. So how about I take my favourite young artist out for brunch?”

Rene felt trapped. He couldn’t bring himself to be rude to this woman who had always been so kind to him. But as he glanced down at himself, he thought of an out. “Professor...Lily, I’m hardly dressed for eating out. Would you mind if I took a rain cheque?”

Lily just smiled. “Oh my dear, you’re hardly dressed in rags. But if it would make you feel better, we can just get something at the Tim Hortons down the street.”

Knowing he was stuck, Rene placidly followed her back to the restaurant he’d only left a couple of hours before. As they approached the counter, the server smiled up at Rene. “Back again, sir; another extra large, double-double? Maybe you’d like something to eat this time?”

Rene shrank under Lily’s glare. “I was here for coffee this morning,” he explained.

The happy young server, with no realization of what she was revealing, chattered on. “Well with number four here, I think you’re about to break my record for the most coffee served to a single person in one morning.”

Lily tisked and shook her head. “How about we both have a large orange juice rather than coffee? I’ll have a toasted wheat bagel with cream cheese and a fruit cup. Rene, do you still like the poppy seed bagels?” At Rene’s nod, she added, “Please add a toasted poppy seed with cream cheese and another fruit cup.”

Within moments they were carrying trays filled with food over to a table. Rene didn’t really feel like eating but didn’t want to be rude, so he started on some of the bagel.

Lily looked at Rene with renewed concern. There was something seriously wrong here. “I’m just so pleased I ran into you today. I had fully intended to come yesterday but there was a faculty meeting that ran much longer than I expected. Did you drive all the way down to Vancouver just for the anniversary?”

Rene sat picking apart the bagel, eating little bites of the mess he was making. “I...I come every year.”

“Yes, I know you do. I come as well and I always see your flowers there.” She paused before deciding to ask the next question. “Rene, perhaps I’m being a bit intrusive by asking you this, but remember I was there with you that day. I too still feel the pain and the shock. What I’m afraid of though, is that you are still blaming yourself for Don’s suicide.”

Rene looked up and his eyes flashed with anger. “Of course I blame myself! If I’d have stayed with him when he was in so much pain, I could have helped. I could have stopped him!” He stood up and dropped the rest of his half-eaten bagel. “Please excuse me, Professor. I’m sorry to be so rude, but I have to go.” He headed quickly out the door without looking back.

Lily dropped her head into her hands and sighed. She’d done nothing to improve the situation and she knew Rene needed help. Making up her mind to do what she could, she pulled her cell phone out of her purse and called directory assistance. “Listing in Jade Heights B.C., please,” she requested.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Zack had made good time and was nearing the outskirts of Vancouver when his cell phone chirped.

“Zackary, this is Lily Teasdale calling. I got your cell phone number from your pharmacy. I spoke with a Patti Brinkley and when I told her I was calling with regards to Rene, she gave me the number.

“It’s nice to hear from you, Lily. Is there something I can do for you?” Zack crossed his fingers. ‘Please let this call be connected to Rene’s whereabouts,’ he silently beseeched the powers that be.

“I’ve just met up with Rene at the Pleasant View Cemetery in Vancouver. Zack, I don’t know how much you know of Don Stott’s death or its’ effect on Rene, but he seems very distraught right now.”

The words ‘Rene’ and ‘distraught’ caught Zack’s attention. “Rene? You know where he is? I’ve never even heard of a Don Stott. What does he have to do with Rene being distraught?”

“Don was Rene’s roommate in university. Though I feel this is something Rene needs to tell you about, I will tell you Don committed suicide when they were in their second year and it had a profound effect on Rene. I tried talking to him today but I’m afraid he wasn’t very receptive. He did say though you didn’t travel here with him. I didn’t realize you knew nothing of his annual pilgrimage to the grave. I really think perhaps you should call him or come down, as he’s terribly upset.” She paused for a second before going on. “Look, if I’m poking my nose in where I don’t belong, I’m sorry. But I’ve always had a soft spot for Rene and I hate seeing him like this.”

‘Suicide, annual pilgrimage, terribly upset…..I’ve got to get to him as quickly as humanly possible,’ Zack thought as he pulled into a gas station. He stopped the car, leaned his head on the steering wheel and tried to concentrate on everything that was running through his mind. “Lily, I can’t thank you enough for calling me. I knew nothing about this but I do appreciate you caring enough to inform me. You need not worry about poking your nose where it doesn’t belong. I’ve been worried sick since I discovered Rene was gone; so have my fathers. I am presently only about half an hour away from the cemetery you mentioned.”

Zack wiped his hand across his face, overwhelmed by the sense of relief flowing through his entire being. Getting a few more directions from Lily, he emotionally thanked the dear lady for all her help and promised to get back to her in a couple of days. He fully intended to return the favour of keeping her informed as she had him.

He took a few minutes to call his dads and let them know he knew where Rene was and that he was safe. His eyes filled when he heard the joy in their voices. It took several deep breaths to get his spiralling emotions calmed. Once he felt able to do so, Zack filled the gas tank and drove away from the station with a definite destination in mind. Born and raised in this city, he had no trouble finding shortcuts and avoiding heavy-traffic areas.

True to his word, Zack was parked next to the cemetery gates thirty minutes after saying goodbye to Lily. He got out of the car and looked around. “Now to find that disheartened love of mine,”

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Rene found himself running back down the road as if trying to escape the emotions that Lily had provoked in him. He knew he’d been horribly rude to someone who had been nothing but kind to him; it was just another thing to feel guilty about.

Without conscious thought Rene again found himself at Don’s grave. He stared at the rough hewn stone with his former lover’s name etched there for all eternity and he felt the sorrow and remorse once again welling within him. He dropped to his knees and sat back against his heels...after a while he began to talk.

It took only a matter of minutes for Zack to locate his husband. It saddened him even more to see the younger man sitting so forlornly and silently on the ground like he was. When Rene didn’t acknowledge his presence, Zack realized the grass must have muffled his approach more than he thought. He stood for a second or two looking over Rene’s shoulder and reading the marker.

He was momentarily startled when Rene began to talk.

“Hey, Don, it’s me again. You remember last year when I told you about Zack? Well we got married on New Year’s Eve. I thought I had everything all worked out in my life, but I fucked it all up again, Don. Isn’t that just like me; to screw up my life and the lives of everyone who touches me? He’s such a great guy too. But I know he’s better off without me. I take too much and never give enough back. I did it to you and I did it to Zack too. He’s always giving, taking care of me just like you used to do; well you know, before. And now I’ve messed it up so bad. God, I miss him and our home.”

Zack closed his eyes in an attempt to block out his lover’s pain but it didn’t work. He took a deep breath, bent to slide his hands under Rene’s arms to literally lift him off the cold ground and set him on his feet. With a hand on each of the shorter man’s shoulders, Zack gazed lovingly if not slightly exasperatingly, into beautiful blue eyes that widened with shock and maybe a bit of trepidation.

“Say goodbye to Don until this time next year, Rene. I’m here to take you home.”

“Zack,” Rene stuttered. “How...how did you find me?”

“It doesn’t matter right now how I found you, only that I did. Right now we’re going home.”

“But you don’t understand.”

“No, Rene, I don’t understand. You never gave me a chance to understand.” The hurt behind that truth showed in the lines on Zack’s face. “And what you seem to have trouble understanding is that no matter what the problem, we can work it out. Now let’s go.”

Rene’s feet froze where they were as he looked imploringly into Zack’s eyes. “After what I did you...you still want me? I thought that… well...” Rene couldn’t quite find the words to say he believed he’d ruined his marriage.

“I love you, Rene. I will always want you.” Zack ran a hand through his hair. “Look, we have a lot to work out but here is not the place to even start. Now, are you going to walk to the car or am I going to have to carry you?”

Rene smiled slightly as Zack’s threat. It felt good to know Zack wanted to work things out. “I’m coming; just one sec, okay?”

At Zack’s nod, Rene squatted down in front of the grave marker and placed his hand on the cool stone. “Good-bye for now, Don. I’ll be back again next year; in the meantime, rest in peace.” He stood up and looked back apprehensively at his husband. “Zack, I don’t know what to say to you except I’m sorry. I’ve made an awful mess, haven’t I?”

“Yes, but we’ll deal with it later in the comfort of our own home.” Zack glanced around as if looking for something. “Did you have a backpack or anything else with you?”

"Oh uh, yeah; my bag is in the motel I stayed in last night. It’s down the road a couple of blocks from here.” As they started to walk, Rene realized he had a further problem. “Zack...” He really didn’t want to bring up more bad news but he knew had to deal with it. “My car is about a half kilometre from here. The engine seized up. I barely got it pulled over to the curb as it died.”

“Ya think, huh?” Zack looked askew at the man by his side. “It is no longer where you left it because it’s been impounded. But since that old car of yours is the least of your worries, I suggest you put it out of your mind for the time being.”

“Impounded? But how did you...?” Then the light dawned. “That’s how you knew I was in Vancouver?”

“Ah-ha.....the thought processes are beginning to function. That should bode well for your future, Rembrandt,” Zack teased as he wrapped an arm around his Brat’s shoulder and began to push him in the direction of his parked car. “Now for the last time; let’s get out of here.”

Rene found himself practically tucked into the car. Zack stood and waited until Rene had his seat belt fastened before closing the door and walking around to climb into the driver’s seat. Once Zack had the car started and turned around in the parking lot, Rene pointed to the right. “The motel is that way; it’s called the Byers Motor Inn.”

Zack wasn’t overly impressed with the motel but acknowledged he’d seen worse. After getting Rene’s belongings and picking up some KFC to eat on the trip, it ended up taking less than an hour before they were on the highway heading north and the city skyscrapers were steadily shrinking in the rear-view mirror.

They drove in silence for a while, each man trying to think of the words that might help them begin to bridge the chasm that the last twenty-four hours had created. Finally Zack spoke. “Rene, would you be willing to tell me a little bit about Don? I’m really interested in learning about him and the relationship you shared. It obviously went beyond friendship.” He kept his tone light and conversational.

Rene was drawn from his thoughts by Zack’s question. He stared at the barely touched food in the box on his lap. He nibbled on the fries and picked at the chicken as he tried to figure out how to answer him. He realized the story had to come out, though he didn’t know how he would ever talk about what happened at the end. At least he could talk about the Don he’d known before everything had gone to hell; before his actions had driven his lover to commit suicide.

He looked directly at Zack’s face as the older man drove and drew strength from the love he’s always found there. “You’re right. Don and I were more than friends. We met the first day in our freshman year. I had started as an architect major because it was what my dad wanted but my minor was in my personal preference of fine arts. It was in Renaissance Art 101 where we met and hit it off immediately. Don was an incredibly talented a classical artist of the truest form. He was very generous and kind, but he was also very sensitive. I heard a lot of people say he wore his heart on his sleeve and that was very true.

He recognized quite quickly that I was gay and soon became my first...my only other lover before you. After my first semester, I switched my major to fine arts. Don and I both applied for and were accepted into a special program for art majors. It was really difficult to get into as they only took forty students a year out of several hundred applicants. But we were lucky and that’s when we got to work one on one with Professor Teasdale. At the start of second semester, we found a little studio apartment off campus. Our parents just thought we were roommates; just a couple of college guys sharing expenses, and we let them believe that...at least at first.”

Rene squeezed his eyes shut and pushed back the painful memories that came with that line of thought. Thinking of the positive, he continued. “Don taught me to look at the world around me and see the beauty in the smallest of things. He could make you see something wonderful in the way paint peeled off antique furniture or the way rust would form on an old bicycle. It was a special time for me.

We got jobs that summer at the Pacific National Exhibition doing caricatures. It didn’t pay much but we sure had a lot of laughs doing it. We met a lot of people there from all over North America and talked to them as we drew their pictures. Hearing about all the places they came from inspired us, so we made the plan to travel after we finished school. We were gonna buy a van and hit the road, and allow what we saw along the way to be the inspiration for our art. But Don never...never got to make that trip.” Rene wiped at the tears that threatened to spill.

Zack reached out and placed a comforting hand on Rene’s shoulder. “Thank you for sharing that with me, sweetheart; I know you loved Don very much and miss him still.” He glanced over to see his traveling companion packing up the remains of the barely eaten chicken. He doubted Rene had eaten much of anything since leaving home yesterday morning; however, that could wait until he got his husband home. He smiled when Rene yawned. “Why don’t you get the blanket and neck pillow, and go to sleep? They’re in the clear plastic bag behind my seat. We still have a ways to go yet.” It may have sounded like only a suggestion, but Zack fully expected his directive to be followed.

Rene didn’t have the strength to argue and besides sleeping meant he didn’t have to talk, and right now he didn’t think he could say any more. He just nodded and mumbled. “Okay.”

Two hours later, Zack pulled into the driveway of their home, shut off the motor and turned to tenderly gaze at the man sleeping next to him. He shook his head and murmured, “We have a bit of a hard road ahead of us, my love, but we’ll travel it together.” He reached over to gently caress his husband’s face and smiled when beautiful blue eyes stared back at him.

“We’re home?” Rene asked quietly. Zack’s nod and loving smile suddenly brought forth a well of emotions that Rene had been holding inside. “Zack, I’m sorry....I’m so sorry.” He clutched at his husband and burying his face into Zack’s shirt, he began to sob.

Zack hugged him and began rubbing his back. “Ah, don’t cry, my darling. We’ll get passed this, and once it’s behind us, we’ll be stronger that ever; both as individuals and as a couple. Here, mop up those baby blues.” He handed Rene the clean handkerchief he pulled from his pocket.

When the younger man had calmed somewhat, Zack lifted Rene’s chin. He smiled, lowered his head and lovingly kissed the trembling lips. Deepening the kiss, he probed with his tongue and easily gained entrance into his lover’s sweet mouth.

Several moments later, they both broke away and gasped for breath. “Guess we should go inside now,” Zack muttered. He winked at the bemused man beside him. “We’ve probably put on enough of a show for anyone who happened to be walking by.”

“Okay,” Rene mumbled as he turned to straighten himself up. He barely had the blanket put aside when he found Zack at his door, guiding him out of the car. Zack had his bag from the trunk and with his hand on Rene’s shoulder, they walked into the house. The very home the younger man had thought he might not see again after running away from it only the day before.

As they came in through the kitchen entrance, Rene turned towards the hallway. “Gotta go.” A momentary escape to the washroom gave Rene some time to calm his ragged emotions. After relieving himself, he splashed cold water on his face and tried to pull himself together. He realized the next while would be challenging but there was love in the kiss Zack had given him and he believed they could work things out.

Zack tossed the trash from the car into the garbage bin under the sink. He smiled when he saw the note stuck to the refrigerator door. It was from Papa, letting them know he had left some homemade beef and barley soup along with fresh baked rolls for their supper.

“Supper will be ready in a jiff, Rene,” he called out to his husband as he set the soup on the stove to heat.

He was setting the last of the cutlery and bowls on the table when Rene put in an appearance, looking very much like he was about to announce ‘I’m not hungry’.

“We have a lot to discuss this evening, my lad, and we are not going to do it on empty stomachs. Now sit down and do justice to this generous meal my Dads have provided.” Zack took his seat and waited for the other man to do the same.

Rene grimaced slightly at the thought of eating but he didn’t want to add to the trouble he was already in, so he took his seat at the table and picked up his spoon. The soup was warm and comforting and despite his lack of interest, Rene found his body’s needs took over and he finished the bowl along with the buttered roll Zack put on his plate.

They ate without talking but soon the silence in the room began to weigh upon him. He finally looked up at Zack and implored, “Zack, I don’t know if I can do this. I love you and I never wanted you to see what a coward I am. I failed so badly with Don. I don’t want to do that with you.”

Zack swallowed his last mouthful and put his spoon down. “First off, Rene, you can do this if you want our relationship bad enough. I know you love me and I love you too. I certainly don’t see you being a coward and I don’t believe you really failed anyone. However, I do think you have a tendency to sell yourself short. It’s one more area we going to have to work on.” He pushed back his chair and got to his feet. “We’re going to tidy up in here and go get comfy in the study. Then we re going to do something you’ve avoid like the plaque for over a week. It’s called ‘talking’.” The older man’s voice was taking on a slightly sterner connotation.

Rene choked down the desire to run. He didn’t know how he could do it but he knew Zack was right, they had to talk. Maybe he didn’t have to tell everything. He prayed they could work things out and he could put the whole nightmare of his past back in a box and leave it there.

It took much less time than Rene would have hoped to get the things cleared up in the kitchen and he soon found himself sitting on the couch in the study, with Zack holding his hands and looking him straight in the eye.

Zack gazed into a young face filled with apprehension. As challenging as this was going to be, the time had come to get their relationship back on track and it was going to be painful on many levels for both of them.

“Over the past week, Rene, I gave you several opportunities to tell me what was troubling you. You chose to lie by saying everything was fine.” Zack paused to let his words sink in, causing the younger man to squirm a bit. “I know you have trouble expressing yourself, so how about me sharing with you what I’ve been able to piece together? Feel free to interrupt any time you feel I’ve misinterpreted something.”

“Okay,” Rene agreed.

“This month marks the anniversary of probably the worse time in your life; each September bringing with it the reminder of your past lover’s death. Every year you fulfill a promise and make the pilgrimage to Don’s grave. It is a trip into the past filled with pain and for some reason, guilt and shame. The pain is understandable, the rest isn’t. We’re going to talk about this first, Rene. Actually, you are going to talk about it. What were the events surrounding Don’s suicide and why have you assumed responsibility for it?” Zack’s thumbs drew soothing circles on the back of Rene’s hands, offering compassion and encouragement.

Rene was shocked by Zack’s knowledge, and he tried to pull his hands away. He wanted to jump up and run from Zack’s words, but his husband held on tight. He turned his face away and screwed his eyes shut but realized he was going to be forced to face the ugly truth of his past whether he liked it or not. “How...how did you know?”

“Lily told me,” Zack answered. “And I am not letting you go, so stop asking questions and start answering them.”

“She had no right!” Rene snapped. “She of anyone should know, should understand. She knew him. My God, she was there and saw it! She knew what I drove him to!”

“She was concerned. She thought I already knew about Don.” Zack yanked on Rene’s hands to get his attention and let him know his outburst was unwarranted. “Tell my why you think you drove him to it.”

“I can’t.... you can’t understand what I did. I left him...abandoned him when he needed me the most.” Rene was gasping and struggling. “Let me go...please!”

“No, I won’t let go! Now, calm down and take a deep breath. You can help me understand by explaining how you came to abandon him.”

“He needed me. He was hurting and I left him. Okay? I was a lousy boyfriend. I couldn’t take the pressure. When things got bad, I ran away!”

Zack instinctively knew there was more to the story; that his Brat was taking the shortest route when he needed the scenic one. “More!” he demanded, pulling on Rene’s hands once again. “I need more information than what you’ve given me. Why was he hurting? What had happened just before and just after him being hurt? Why did you really leave?”

“It was my fault he was hurting. I was the one who pushed him into telling his family about us being gay. They threw him out; disowned him! He was so hurt he didn’t know what he was doing. It wasn’t his fault. He needed me to stand by him but when he started to drink and ... and ... well I couldn’t stand it, so I left.”

Zack had been listening closely. He didn’t want to miss any of the little unspoken nuances. “What else did he do, love? Besides the drinking? Or should I be asking, what didn’t he do?”

“It wasn’t his fault. He was in so much pain. I should have understood; should have talked to him. But seeing...seeing another man in our bed, I just couldn’t stand it.” Rene looked to Zack, tears pouring down his face. “I left when he was alone and depressed and... and he hanged himself.”

“Oh, baby!” Zack quickly drew Rene into his arms and hugged him as tightly as he could. Unable to speak for a few moments, he just clung onto his distraught husband.

A couple of minutes and several deep breaths later, Zack quietly spoke into Rene’s soft hair. "Sweetheart, I need a clearer picture. I have some questions for you, but we’ll take them one at a time. Okay?”

Rene replied with a barely audible, “Okay.”

Satisfied that he was understood, Zack proceeded. “First, had you and Don mutually agreed to come out to your parents, neither of you knowing how they would react?”

Rene drew ragged breaths but now the worst was out, the story was coming easier. He nodded his head where it was pressed against Zack’s broad shoulder. “Yes, it was after an LGBT meeting on campus where they were promoting coming out of the closet. We both decided we should. We wanted to prove ourselves. Well, you already know about my family situation, but Don’s was worse, much worse. They totally disowned him and threw him out with all is belongings.”

“It could have gone that way for either of you, Rene. I imagine along with his parents turning on him the way they did, Don also had to deal with the loss of whatever financial support they had provided up to that point, and what he perceived to be the loss of his future. He must have been very confused and frightened. Did he talk to you about any of this?” Zack continued to hold onto the love of his life, all the while keeping his voice as soothing as possible.

“No, I never even thought of that at the time. It wasn’t until after I’d left him and Professor Teasdale told me he’d quite school that I began to think money might have been a problem. I should have known, but he didn’t want to talk about it. And well, I was upset about my own family situation too. But I should have been thinking about Don. I wasn’t considerate enough of him. I was too freaking needy and selfish.”

“Neither of you were inconsiderate, overly needy, selfish or whatever other derogatory words you want to put to it. You were young and dealing with some very harsh realities. Grant it, things may have turned out differently had Don been able to open up and share his deepest fears. Someone once said, ‘If only we knew each other’s secrets, what comfort we would find and be able to give one another’. Don could not talk of his worries and you were unable to get through to him. It seems to be a problem many of us face.” Zack silently admitted to having failed in that area himself. “However, Don did have choices. There was help available. You were there for him at the beginning.”

Rene could not see past his own perceived failings. “But I should have stayed with him and helped him. I abandoned him when he needed me!”

Zack gave his young lover a bit of a shake. “Listen to me, Rene. He abandoned you first; he abandoned your relationship. He gave up, baby. It was already too late. He proved that with his final choice.”

“But if I’d stayed...if I’d stayed I might have stopped him! He’d be alive today!”

“I don’t think so, Rene. I personally believe what happened would have anyway; it just would have happened later. Don could not see a way out. He deemed himself unable to go on. His choice was a very personal one. When all is said and done, in that last moment only the person making that choice is responsible for it. No one else has any say in it.”

“Why did he do it, Zack? Oh God, it was so awful! I’ll never forget finding him hanging there like that for as long as I live. I don’t know what I would have done if Professor Teasdale hadn’t been with me.” Rene was shaking as the memories of that day poured over him.

The embrace surrounding the tormented man in his arms tightened as Zack dropped light kisses on Rene’s head. He murmured words of comfort and support until he felt the trembling of his husband’s body diminish to sporadic quivers.

“I doubt very much if anyone ever knows why someone commits suicide. And I can’t begin to imagine the pain you went through back then, my love.” Zack’s voice remained calm even though his heart was aching for his lover’s plight. “But please hear me out. You too, could have taken the easy way out, but you didn’t; you hung in there. You continued your studies and graduated. You fought your way back and eventually found the life you so richly deserved. Do you have any idea how proud I am of you?”

Rene had thought he’d cried out all his emotions but Zack’s words of praise brought more tears to his eyes. Why he’d ever expected his husband would be ashamed of him, he didn’t know. Zack never let him down, not like he always seemed to let Zack down.

“I don’t know how I ever got so lucky as to find you,” Rene said as the renewed tears poured down his face. “You’re way better than I deserve.”

Zack lifted his husband just enough off the sofa to land a sharp slap on Rene’s butt. “I don’t like you saying things like that, Rene. First off, because they are not true. Secondly, I don’t want you getting the idea into your head that we are not equal in every way.”

Rene was startled as he hadn’t expected that reaction. “But, Zack, don’t you see it’s true? You’re always there for me; taking care of me, dealing with all my problems, rescuing me from my mistakes. How can you stand being with someone so needy?”

“Tell me, sweetheart, do you like how it feels to have me taking care of you?”

“Well, yeah…of course…but..”

“Good!” A bit of a grin spread across Zack’s face. “In my own way, I am as needy as you are. We have a symbiotic relationship; one in which we both have certain wants and needs fulfilled. It is part of my personality, this need to be needed, to have someone to care for; just like it is part of your personality to want to be able to rely on someone who wants to care for you. It’s a win/win situation for each of us, but it requires a lot from both of us to make it work.”

Zack watched the changing expressions on his Brat’s gorgeous face as the concept he was explaining sank in. “I’ve known for many years that I am a Top, whereas you only discovered this side of yourself after we met. I’m inclined to think that the majority of people never really find their soul-mate, better-half or whatever you want to call it. Sometimes we only find out who we are when we meet the partner we were meant to have. Aren’t we lucky, that is exactly what happened in our case?” Zack chuckled when Rene blinked at his rhetorical question.

Once again taking his husband’s hands in his own larger ones and looking into the beautiful blue eyes he adored, Zack went on to explain further. “I don’t ever want to lose you, my love. I am incomplete without you. It is because of your strength and willingness to give of yourself the way you do, that enables me to become the man I want so much to be. Do you understand what I am saying to you? Do you have any idea of how much I cherish you and your love for me?”

Rene could hear the sincerity in Zack’s words and began to understand where his lover was coming from. “You’ve always made me feel loved, but I guess I never really believed that you’d actually find my neediness to be desirable. I thought it was just something you put up with.” Rene chewed on his lip as he thought of the past week and most especially the last couple of days. “But this whole mess; I really screwed it up, didn’t I?”

“That, baby, is an understatement,” Zack readily concurred. “Your running away has had varying impacts on others besides ourselves. My parents were very worried and upset for both of us. Lily was concerned enough to track me down and let me know where you were. You’ve unexpectedly missed time at the daycare and I’ve had to rearrange the schedule at the pharmacy.”

Zack sadly shook his head as Rene hung his. “The worst of all this, Rene, is how it has or could have, affected us. We’ve gone over this ‘not communicating’ problem numerous times. We’ve discusses how bad it is for your well-being and how damaging it can be for our relationship. I realize this time of year holds painful memories for you, but it hurt me that you would have so little regard for me as to assume I would think so poorly of you or that there was something in your past I could never forgive you for. It hurts to think you are unable to talk to me about the issues you find hardest to deal with due to your lack trust and confidence in me.” The older man’s voice cracked noticeably as he spoke these last few words, the emotions he felt on reading Rene’s letter returning.

Rene felt his chest tighten at hearing the pain in Zack’s voice. More tears than he ever thought possible poured down his face. “I’m sorry, Zack. I know that doesn’t even begin to help. I never wanted to hurt you. All I was thinking about was my own selfish needs. I owe so many people an apology. I was rude to Lily, unprofessional at my job, thoughtless of your dads but worst of all, I hurt you. For that I can never apologize enough.”

“Your apology to me has been accepted, love. Over the next few days you will have an opportunity to apologize to the others and in each case, it will be accepted. I know you did not intentionally set out to hurt anyone, least of all me. It will not happen again, Rene, if I have any say in the matter. Because from this day forward, I promise that I will not be easily deterred when I sense something is troubling you. Now, try to stop crying and mop your face.” Zack gave his husband a hug before gently pushing him away and handing him a box of tissues. He wanted the younger man settled before moving on the next phase of their conversation.

Rene wiped his face and blew his nose. He looked back to Zack with some slight trepidation. “So now, where do we go?”

The older man swallowed to prevent a small chuckle escaping. ‘Hmm, are all Brats this optimistic in hoping that not facing the issue right on might make it go away?’ he thought. Sitting up straighter in preparation for moving on, Zack cleared his throat and firmly stated, “I am pretty sure you knew exactly where we go from here.”

When the man sitting in front of him only responded by continuing to chew on his lip, Zack seized the moment and patiently began explaining what was going to happen next.

“We’ve dealt with this problem of withholding pertinent information in the past, sweetheart, and are doing so again. Apparently just spanking with my hand is not getting the message across, so I think we may have to seriously consider the use of an implement.” With that, Zack reached around and pulled out the paddle he had placed between the seat cushion and the sofa. He turned and handed it to his husband. “I will not use it, Rene, without your consent.” He sat back and waited for the other man’s reaction.

Rene stared in shock at the implement lying across his lap. A minute ago Zack had handed him a box of tissues and then with the same tone of loving care, he’d handed him this thing. He grimaced as he thought of the irony that the tissues had dried his tears and this paddle would be the cause of more. It looked so ordinary. It wasn’t very large. The wood was polished to a smooth satin finish and the edges were carefully rounded. It looked rather like one of those cutting boards with a handle. He almost opened his mouth to suggest that Zack had forgotten the cheese but quickly thought better of it. Perhaps making a joke right now would not be a smart idea.

He ran a shaking fingertip along the smooth surface then making up his mind, he glanced back at Zack. “As much as it scares me, I realize that if what I did made you want to acquire this thing, then it must be what is needed. I know I went too far and I have to make things right between us again. So yes, okay...yes.” He didn’t have the strength to say more.

“I am pleased that you agree.” Zack knew it took a lot on Rene’s part to consent to his suggestion. He offered Rene a helping hand as the younger man got unsteadily to his feet and lowered his jeans and boxers.

"How...how many swats with it?" Rene asked nervously.

“Trust me,” was all Zack replied as he placed the paddle on the coffee table. He promptly pulled Rene over his lap and wrapped an arm around his waist to steady him. “Can you tell me why we’re here?” he inquired conversationally.

Rene gulped. ‘Trust him? Well that was the whole answer to the question, wasn’t it?’ He hadn’t trusted Zack with his secrets and that’s why he was lying here in this very compromising position. “I’m here because I lied to you and didn’t tell you I was having problems. And because I ran away from you and from my life here rather than face the truth.”

“Almost; we’ll deal with the running away later.” Zack began to spank in earnest, ignoring his Brat’s grunts and squirming in the interest of teaching a lasting lesson. The sound of each well-landed swat resonated in the room as his hand continued to make contact with the roundest part of his husband’s upturned backside.

Zack’s arm kept rising and falling until both globes and the sit-spot were hot and red and his hand was beginning to hurt. He paused long enough to pick up the paddle and shift position. He moved his Brat’s upper body further onto the sofa, wrapped his right leg over both of Rene’s and tightened his left arm around the younger man’s waist, keeping him firmly in place.

Rene braced himself, a voice in his head was yelling at him to tell Zack ‘no!’ This spanking had been bad enough but the thought of adding the paddle to his already burning backside seemed unbearable. Only the remembrance of the hurt he had caused, allowed Rene to remain silent; silent that is until the paddle struck.

Zack cracked the paddle down on Rene’s right cheek, eliciting a yelp from the man over his knee. Each of the remaining five strokes, two on the left cheek and a second on the right one and one on each side where thigh met bottom, brought forth another yelp which increased by an eighth of an octave over the one before it.

Rene had never felt such a burning pain before. He gulped for air as he tried to control his sobs. He silently swore he’d never again do anything to cause Zack to use this wicked implement.

Zack slid the paddle behind the cushion where he had hidden it earlier and shifted position once again. This time he stretched out on the sofa and hauled Rene’s limp body along with him. When as comfortable as possible, he unfolded a light velour blanket and covered them. Only then did he begin the process of calming his beloved husband.

For several minutes, the older man spoke softly into the ear closest to his mouth. He murmured words of love and forgiveness as he drew soothing circles on his crying Brat’s back, while never releasing his hold. It took longer than usual for the sobs to slow, eventually becoming intermittent sniffles and hiccups.

“If I remember correctly, that paddle really packs a sting,” he lightly commented, tenderly kissing the sweaty hair next to his cheek.

All that Rene could think of was the burning in his backside. His Top’s comforting words barely registered until those last ones. He lifted his face from where it was buried against Zack’s shirt and haltingly asked, “You-you’ve felt it? Someone paddled you?”

“Yeah, my dad did. Hurt like hell, but cured me of eavesdropping in a hurry. He’s never used it again and I better not have to use it a second time either.” Zack raised his eyebrow as he gazed lovingly at the tear-stained and flushed face gazing back at him.

“No! You won’t have to, Zack. I promise I won’t ever do something like this again. Please just burn that horrible thing,” Rene pleaded.

“Can’t, babe; my dad might not appreciate me burning something that belongs to him. But it was worth the inconvenience of borrowing it and the internal struggle I went through before deciding whether or not to use it, if it will keep you from withholding facts from me.” Zack briefly tightened his embrace before returning to his rhythmic rubbing of Rene’s back. “I’m sure glad to hear I won’t have to use it again.”

Rene took a moment to process what Zack had just said. If the paddle belonged to Hayden then did that mean that he used it on Todd? He quickly put that picture out of his mind. He also realized suddenly that if it had been borrowed from Hayden, then Hayden would know that Zack was going to use it. Had Rene’s face not already been red from crying, he knew the blush he just felt would have lit it up like a stop sign. “I’m sorry it was a struggle for you. I love you and I want everything to be better between us, Zack.” He wanted all the misery to go away; to just snuggle into Zack’s arms and sleep.

“It’s going to, sweetheart. I love you with all my heart and just want the best for both of us,” Zack murmured, as they relaxed into the quiet almost surreal aftermath that often followed physical punishment.

Zack knew they could easily doze off right here in each others’ arms, but also acknowledged they still had a couple of issues to address.

“Rene,” he spoke softly to gain the other man’s attention. “You know that we have only taken care of one matter; we have two more to discuss. First, your running away. We are going to nip that practice in the bud. For the next three days you’ll not be out of my sight. We’ll be within arm’s length of each other until Monday morning, at which time I will drop you off at the daycare. That is the only place you will be permitted to go without me. I will drive you to work and pick you up when your shifts are over. When you are not at your job during the time I am at mine, you will be at the pharmacy with me. I’ll be giving you lines to help pass the time. As of this moment, my lad, you are on a very short leash. Got any questions?”

Rene blinked, trying to work through what Zack was saying. He was lying atop his partner on the sofa, naked from the waist down with Zack’s arms wrapped firmly around him. Given the burning pain in his backside, the headache from crying and the emotional turmoil of the last days, he was finding it difficult to really think through the decree that had just been handed down to him. ‘Short leash? Within arm’s length? Only place permitted to go? At the pharmacy with Zack?’ His tired brain suddenly realized what Zack was saying; he was being seriously grounded.

He wasn’t even sure how he felt about it. Was it a punishment or was it really a way for him and Zack to come to terms with what he’d done? He loved his husband and wanted nothing more than to repair the damage that had been done to their relationship. If it would help, then he would do whatever Zack said. He screwed up the courage to ask the one burning question. “Okay, I understand but, well...how long is this going to continue?”

“There’s only one answer to that, love. Trust me! Trust me to know when the time is right.” Zack heard a soft sigh and wondered if the connotation he’d picked up might be one of contentment. He smiled at the thought of that being the case and placed a firm kiss on his lover’s hair. “Just one more thing, baby…hmm, maybe it’s two in one. It has to do with your K-car. Along with the lines you’ll be writing, I want an essay on the consequences of driving an unregistered car and without insurance. You’ll also have to decide within the next day or two what you want to do with the car. It can’t stay impounded forever. But I guess that can wait until the morning.”

Rene was a bit more alert now and hearing Zack’s words, he groaned. “Lines and an essay? Yech!”

Zack just patted his back and answered, “You’ll manage.”

Rene’s wasn’t so sure about that but he wasn’t in the position right now to argue the point. His mind drifted back to the car. What did he want to do with it? There was a time not so long ago that the thought of giving up the K-car was unbearable, but now he wasn’t so sure. However, Zack was right; it could wait. He didn’t need to make that decision tonight.

The two men lay together dozing off and on for almost an hour until Rene began to squirm. His backside still felt miserable, his bladder was yelling, his head hurt and his throat was dry. Zack’s grip around him had loosened, so he carefully slid off the couch to his knees and then stood up.

Zack stirred and opened his eyes when he felt the weight of his husband’s body vanish. “I take it you’re just stretching, right? At least you are able to do that here where I can see you.” He folded his arms behind his head and raised an eyebrow as he calmly looked up at the younger man.

“I was uh... just going to the washroom and then to get a drink and an aspirin.”

For a couple of moments Zack lay starring blankly at the other man, who was standing there naked from the hips down with the exception of his socks. Then with an air of feigned annoyance, he pushed himself off the sofa. The older man walked over to his husband, wrapped an arm around his shoulders and rubbed his knuckles across the top of his head.

“Well, if you really have to,” he chuckled and steered Rene down the hall to the bathroom. Once there, Zack leaned again the door frame and waited.

Rene finished using the washroom while Zack waited, then was positioned exactly where Zack had stood and was told to remain there until Zack used the washroom himself. It was then Rene fully realized his husband intended on being completely true to his word. He was really being short-leashed to within Zack’s reach until he was dropped at the daycare on Monday morning. He came to an unexpected realization that it didn’t sound so bad. He needed Zack now more than ever and the idea of having him physically close to him for the next few days, made him feel very loved and secure.

When Zack finished drying his hands, Rene wrapped his arms around the taller man’s neck and leaned heavily into him, wanting the support. “Thank you.”

“You’re welcome, my love.” Zack gently kissed his husband, somehow instinctively knowing his decisions were having a profound effect on the younger man; a rather good one at that. “It’s getting late. We’ve had an emotionally pack day and I feel like I’ve been pulled through a hedge backwards; time for bed. Come on, we’ll lock up together.”

Rene hung onto Zack just a little tighter. “I really need a drink and an aspirin before we lock up. My head is pounding.”

“Of course, let’s get you those first.”

Rene gulped down two glasses of water along with the aspirin before he and Zack got the house locked up and headed up to their bedroom. He felt a bit self-conscious wandering around half-naked but was very happy once he was settled into bed with his husband. He was amazed at how different things were from a mere twenty-four hours earlier when he’d been alone in a dingy motel room, thinking he’d ruined his marriage by his actions.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Friday morning, Zack awakened Rene and pulled him into the en suite where they shared a shower and went through their morning ablutions within reach of each other. After he had shaved, Rene unconsciously headed out of the bathroom to get dressed. He got as far as the doorway only to have his hand grabbed as he was pulled back in to wait for Zack to finish his shave. Rene smiled slightly as he sat on the closed toilet seat and waited. This was not going to be as easy as he thought.

A little while later as they ate breakfast, Rene made a decision. “Zack, I’ve been thinking about the K-car and I’ve decided I’m ready to let it go. The engine is gone now and the body is rusting pretty badly. As much as I loved that old car, I think it’s time to say good-bye to it. But I don’t know what I have to do about it. I know I will have to pay a fine for the impounding, but do you know how I arrange for it to be disposed of?”

Zack had his cup half-way to his mouth, but paused to give the question some thought. “I think if you look in the phone directory for a salvage company in Vancouver, you might be able to make arrangements for them to pick up the car. In all probability, you’ll also have to notify someone at the impound lot. All and all, I’d say it going to cost you a pretty penny between fines and towing charges.”

Sitting back in his chair, Zack drained the last from his coffee mug while studying his young husband over the rim. Placing it back on the table, he reached over and clasped Rene’s hand before softly inquiring, “How are you feeling this morning, sweetheart? About all that’s happened since yesterday? Any unsettling thoughts running through that head of yours?” Zack was bound and determined to keep on top of any possible fall-out from all the restrictions he was imposing.

Rene’s initial impulse was to say ‘I’m fine’, but after all they’d been through he knew that kind social pleasantry would not do between him and Zack any longer. “Lots of thoughts, I guess. I feel better having decided about the car. But I am a little worried about talking to people to apologize for my behaviour. I know they’re good people and will accept my apology, but still it is going to be hard to get the words out. But I guess the biggest thing is something I haven’t talked to you about yet.”

He looked into Zack’s patient eyes and drew the strength to go on from the love he found there. “You know of course, that Wednesday was the anniversary of Don’s death. What you don’t know, is that up until Wednesday morning I’d thought I was going to let it pass this year without going to the grave. But it was what I found when I was working in my studio Wednesday morning that kinda put me over the edge and sent me running. Now I think I need to face that.”

“So you want to spend some time in your studio today, right?” Being as that was a rhetorical question, Zack went on to suggest Rene make the phone calls regarding his car while he cleaned up the kitchen. “Then we’ll face your demons together.”

Rene called the number the Vancouver impound yard had left in their answering message and then with their assistance, found a wrecker who would tow away the car. He provided his credit card number to both agencies, cringing at the cost of disposing of a derelict vehicle. Once he was done, he knew it was time to take on the task he’d been dreading, but the thought of it had him sitting at the kitchen table just chewing the top of the pencil he’d been writing with. Zack seemed to know he was stalling and with a quick move, had the pencil pulled from his mouth and Rene up on his feet.

“No more procrastinating, babe. Let’s get this taken care of and move on.” Zack had slipped a hand under one of Rene’s arms to help him up.

Rene led the way up the stairs to the studio with Zack close on his heels. His hands were shaking as he turned the knob on the door and walked in. He wasn’t even sure how he’d left things when he departed as that whole morning was a blur of pain and anguish. The art magazines were still scattered on the floor where he’d dropped them, and the letter lay atop of them. He couldn’t find words so Rene just bent over, picked up the worn page and handed it silently to Zack for his perusal.

Zack had been surprised to see the disarray in the usually very neat room. He kept those observations to himself as he quickly read over the sheet in his hand. His heart tightened as he thought of the pain his beautiful young husband had suffered through. “This is so sad, Rene. Poor Don felt he had nowhere to turn. But it was not your fault!” Zack felt the need to emphasize this once again.

Rene felt a slight urge to argue Zack’s point but he realized he was actually beginning to believe he really wasn’t entirely responsible for Don’s death. Part of him still felt he could have done more to help but he’d come to understand that in the end, it was not something he could have controlled. And, he thought even more importantly, he needed to let go of the past. What had happened could never be changed. He needed to move on and embrace his life today in the here and now.

He stared up at Zack. “There are some other things I want you to see as well. I kept two of Don’s paintings.” He went to the box and lifted out the unframed canvases. “He was a very gifted artist, wasn’t he?” Rene asked, knowing that Zack would easily recognise the two subjects of the art works.

Zack smiled at the two portraits in his hands. “Very gifted,” he agreed. “Do you have any plans for these?”

Rene looked at them with a smile; for the first time in years, seeing them without the heavy cloud of pain he normally associated with any reminder of Don. It was still a wound but one that perhaps was starting to heal. “I think...I think I’d like to give Professor Teasdale the one of her and maybe it’s time to frame the other and display it. I could frame Lily’s for her as well. What do you think?”

“I’d love to have this one of you hanging in the living room. It was painted with love and deserves to be displayed. I bet Lily will be very pleased to have hers.”

“There is a photo album in this box.” Rene bent over and pulled out the book. “I really don’t know if I ready to deal with all the pictures in it right now but...” He opened it to the first page where there was a large photo of himself, arm in arm with a smiling young man standing in front of an ivy-covered university building. “I figure you should have a face to put to him. This is Don.”

Zack gazed at the photograph for several long moments. He felt a mixture of emotions, the strongest one being a feeling of gratitude that although this young man had caused his beloved a world of pain, he had also loved him. “He is a rather handsome man, isn’t he?” There was not even the slightest indication of jealousy in his voice.

“Yeah, he was handsome.” Rene smiled as he looked at the photo again before closing the book. “But not as handsome as the man I married.”

“Or the one I married,” Zack insisted with a twinkle in his eye. “I suggest you keep the album, love. Put it out of sight until you are ready to sit down and go through it. When you’re ready to relive and remember all the good times you two had together, it will be waiting for you.”

“Yeah, I think you’re right.” Rene placed the letter along with the photo album back into the box and took the two paintings over to his bench for framing.

Zack and Rene spent the rest of the day tranquilly working in the studio. The younger man designed and fitted the new frames while the older one planned out a schedule for the next couple of weeks at the pharmacy.

Friday evening and Saturday passed quietly by as the two men reconnected and renewed their commitments to each other and their relationship. They talked comfortably and openly while filling in the time performing mundane tasks around the house. Not a moment was spent out of sight of one another.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Rene was lying in bed wide awake at dawn on Sunday morning. His stomach was in knots thinking about what he had to do today. The past two days had been both comforting and reaffirming. Zack had been rather uber-toppish, insisting the rest of the world could pass them by while they spent this time alone and undisturbed by outside sources. The only call Rene had been permitted was a brief one on Friday to Miss Stephanie at the day care so he could apologize for his having missed his shifts. His boss had been very understanding and said she looked forward to having him back on Monday.

Their solitude had been disturbed though last evening when Zack took a phone call from Todd inviting them to Sunday dinner. So tonight he had to look Hayden and Todd in the face and tell them he was sorry for causing them so much concern. Oh, he knew that they would be wonderful and gracious about it, but that didn’t make it any easier to do. He also had to make a call to Lily Teasdale and offer his regrets to her for his rude behaviour.

What Rene really wanted to do was to get up and go for a run to take his mind off of his worries but Zack’s decree that he remain within arm’s reach made that impossible while his husband was still sleeping. He rolled over and punched his pillows, trying to find a way to get comfortable and maybe fall back to sleep, but nothing was working. Finally he sat up, swung his legs over the side of the bed and almost followed his impulse to go for a run. One look at Zack’s slumbering face and he knew he couldn’t follow through. Instead he slid back under the covers, rolled over and snuggled up against his husband.

Zack slowly woke up and stretched, disturbing the man softly snoring beside him. The sun shining into the room at the sides of the drawn blinds, hinted at it being almost mid-morning. He couldn’t remember them sleeping in this late for a long time, if ever.

Using his fingertips, he faintly traced them across his husband’s unshaven jaw. Next, he lightly kissed Rene’s eyelids and the tip of his nose. He chuckled when a hand came up as if to swat away an annoying tickle.

His protesting bladder let him know in no uncertain terms that it was time to get up. “Rise and shine, Rembrandt,” Zack ordered as he gently shook the other man’s shoulder.

Rene peered up at Zack through barely opened eyes. “Musta gone back to sleep. Whatimezit?”

Zack looked around at the clock. “It’s ten-twenty. Were you awake earlier?”

Rene sat up rubbing his eyes. “Yeah, I woke about five-thirty and couldn’t sleep for a while. But you don’t have to worry, I didn’t go anywhere.”

“It hadn’t crossed my mind that you had, sweetheart.” Zack got out of bed and walked over to open the blinds. Turning back, he smiled when he saw his Brat had dozed off again. “On no, you don’t, sleepy-head,” he laughed as he pulled back the blankets before coercing Rene up and into the en suite, where the younger man leaned against the wall and yawned while Zack relieved himself.

Zack had washed his hands and was brushing his teeth when a movement behind him had him glancing in the mirror in time to see Rene sliding down the wall to sit on the floor.

After wetting a washcloth with warm water and ringing it out, Zack knelt down beside his husband and gently wiped it over his face.

Rene spluttered and pushed away the offending wet cloth. “I can wash myself,” he grumbled.

“You’re going to take care of business, Rene, and put on some sweats. Then we’re going downstairs for a quick breakfast of muffins and coffee.” Zack smiled when blue eyes finally opened and stayed open. “Uh-huh, thought that would get your attention,” he teased, helping Rene to his feet.

“Well since you offered coffee, I’ll come,” he muttered sleepily as he began his morning ritual.

While waiting for his Brat to finish up, Zack informed him of the morning’s plans. “Yesterday’s rain must have stopped during the night, so we’re going for a run. The fresh air and exercise will do us both some good.” Twenty minutes later, they were heading out the front door.

It was shortly after one PM; Rene was at the computer in Zack’s study, researching information for the essay Zack insisted he write up, when the cordless phone and a slip of paper appeared in front of his face.

“I think now would be as good a time as any for you to call Lily Teasdale, babe.” Zack was aware of it not being something his young love was looking forward to, but both men knew respect for the older woman and good manners called for it.

Rene sighed inwardly and took the phone. “You’re right. I owe her so much, not the least of which is an apology for my rudeness.”

He dialled the number on the paper and after three rings a familiar voice came on the line. “Hello”

“Hello, Professor Teasdale...uh Lily; this is Rene Pierce. How are you?”

“Oh Rene, my dear, I’m so glad to hear from you. How are you and are you back home in Jade Heights?”

“I’m fine thank you and yes, I’m back home. I’m calling you this afternoon to offer my sincerest apologies for my rude behaviour the other morning. It was inexcusable of me to walk out on you like that.”

“Rene, you have nothing to apologize for. You had every reason to be upset. It’s a difficult memory to deal with for both of us, but for you it is especially hard. I’ve worried about you for such a long time. But when I heard that you had married the son of my dear friend, Marie VanDinther, I knew life had finally brought you the happiness and stability you so richly deserve. I don’t know Zack very well, but if he has an ounce of Marie’s spirit in him, he is a man you can count on.”

Rene smiled as he looked as his husband sitting on the sofa not far from him. “Yes, he certainly is a man I can count on. I’m very lucky to have him in my life.”

“As he is lucky to have you, Rene, and don’t you forget that,” Lily scolded lightly. Then she took on a more serious tone. “He was very distressed when I spoke to him. He didn’t know anything about Don or what happened. I hope you’ve been able to tell him now.”

“Yes, he knows the whole story now. I was wrong to keep it from him.”

Lily paused for a long moment, considering her words. “Rene, have you ever spoken to anyone professionally about what you went through? I know you resisted the suggestion that you see someone at the time but as you know, I saw a therapist afterwards. My doctor was a tremendous help. PTSD is not something you should ignore.”

Rene had to school himself not to snap back at the well-intentioned suggestion. He kept his voice as neutral as he could. “No, I’m fine now thanks. I don’t need that kind of help. It’s over and done with now.”

Lily sighed. She didn’t want to antagonize Rene, so she dropped the subject. “All right, love, I’m glad that’s the case. Will you and Zackary be coming back to Vancouver any time soon? You know I’d love to have the two of you visit me.”

“I don’t know when we’ll be down again, but you know you are always welcome to come and visit us in Jade Heights.”

The two chatted for a few minutes more before saying their good-byes with promises to keep in touch. When Rene finally hung up the phone, he found Zack looking at him very intently.

“Feeling better?” Zack inquired. He returned the smile sent his way, although his was not accompanied by a blush.

“Yes, I feel much better having apologized to Lily.”

“What is it that you don’t think you need some kind of help with? And just what kind of help would we be talking about?”

Rene desperately wanted to say it was nothing. However, if the last days had taught him anything, it was that he could not to hide things from his husband. “Lily got some help from a shrink after Don’s death and she said it helped her to cope with the PTSD she suffered as a result. I told her that I was fine now and didn’t need that kind of help.” He paused and then quickly added, “And I don’t. I have you now and that’s all I need.”

“Hmm,” Zack spent a few moments giving the idea some though. “Lily has made a good point, babe. I too think it would prove beneficial to get you some professional help.”

“I’m over it now, Zack. I don’t need to see some head shrink. You are all I need.”

“Sorry, love. I do not have the expertise I feel is necessary to help you move past this once and for all.”

“I am past it. It’s all behind me now, Zack; really!”

Zack sadly shook his head and beckoned with his finger for his husband to join him on the couch. When they were comfortably seated next to each other, Zack firmly stated, “This concerns your health, Rene; your mental health. And just like when you needed to see a dentist, I am once again going to pull rank. If you remember back then, you had two choices; neither of which were whether or not you made and kept an appointment. You could only chose to either walk into the clinic on your own two feet or be carried in over my shoulder. Those are the only two choices you are going to be giving this time too.” He took Rene’s hand in his and looked into the blue eyes he loved. “Again, my love, I am asking you to trust me.”

“I do trust you, but this isn’t necessary! You never even thought of it until Lily brought it up! I don’t need to see a doctor, Zack, please!”

“Just because I didn’t think of it myself, Rene, does not mean it is without its’ merits.” Zack had no trouble picking up on his Brat’s agitation; he just didn’t understand why Rene was being so adamant about seeing a psychologist. “Tell me why seeking help is so abhorrent to you, love. Have you been under the care of a therapist some time in the past; your childhood maybe?”

Rene looked up at Zack with an expression of complete surprise. How the hell had Zack figured out that? “My...my mom took me to one when I was nine.” Rene blushed furiously. “I used to...to wet the bed. The parish priest told her it would help. The doctor was a part of the archdiocese and very religious. He asked me if I ever rubbed my penis because it felt good. At first I said no, but when he badgered me about it, I finally admitted that I had. He told me it was God’s way of punishing me for touching myself like that. He said it was dirty and if I stopped doing it and went to confession then I would stop wetting the bed. I was so scared when I left his office. I thought God was going to punish me with something even worse than bed-wetting. I’m sure my mom would have kept taking me to him, but my dad blew a gasket when he found out she’d taken me to a shrink, so I never went back. I finally stopped wetting the bed that year, but that experience was awful.”

A low growl emanated from the back of Zack’s throat as he ground his teeth. ‘As well meaning as they might have been, didn’t people stop to think before they subjected children to these types of situations?’ He lifted his husband onto his lap and held him close to his chest. “I’m sorry you had to talk to someone like that, Rene. I have a tendency to question the professionalism of a doctor who brings his personal, religious views into his practise and tries to force them on others. It is made even worse for you only being a child at the time. I promise it will be different this time.”

Though his Top’s words and toppy growl were as comforting as being held in his arms, Rene still felt somewhat defeated. Zack wasn’t giving up on this whole ‘shrink’ business. Rene remembered only too well how stubborn his husband could be when it came to health issues. He might as well resign himself to it or Zack would follow through on his threat to carry him into the clinic over his shoulder if necessary. “Okay, I’ll see someone if it will make you feel better.”

“I think it will end up making us both feel better, Brat,” Zack chuckled and tickled Rene’s rib cage, causing him to squirm and squeal. Zack waited for the laughter to die down before turning serious again. “Tomorrow I am going to call Doctor Dean and ask for the name of a reputable ‘shrink’ as you like to refer to them. Hopefully, there will be one right here in Jades Heights. Right now though, we should get ready to go over to my parents’. Papa hates anyone being late, but is in his glory if they arrive early. So let’s surprise them.”

The two men showered and dressed, and headed out to Zack’s parents’ home. Rene insisted on stopping to buy some flowers as a bit of a peace-offering for his in-laws. Though any trepidation he might have felt about seeing Hayden and Todd was immediately forgotten when he and Zack walked in the door. Todd practically ran to greet them and pulled Rene into his arms with a hug that nearly squeezed the stuffing out of him. Rene had to quickly hand the flowers off to Zack for fear of them being crushed.

Todd gladly accepted the bouquet from his son. He graciously acknowledged who the flowers were from, even as he tried to maintain a stern expression. “This is a lovely appeaser, Rene dear. I guess we can forgive you for giving us such a fright, but it better never happen again. Hayden may look rather distinguished with gray hair. I on the other hand, don’t,” he mildly scolded before hugging his young son-in-law once again.

Rene blushed as he looked at Todd and Hayden. “I am sorry I worried you both, and I promise it won’t happen again.”

Hayden reached over and pulled Rene into a rough hug. “We’re just glad you’re home safe and sound.” He pulled back and ruffled his son-in-law’s hair. “Now why don’t we go get comfortable in the living room; Papa has put out some delicious snack foods for us to enjoy before dinner.” He led the way and made everyone comfortable in the tastefully decorated room.

Rene and Todd were soon caught up in a conversation about autumn garden flowers. Hayden excused himself and went into the kitchen to refresh his drink. He was just getting out the ice when Zack slipped into the room. “Oh hi son, can I get you another drink?”

“No thanks, Dad, I’m good.” Zack quietly placed the paddle on the counter. “I just wanted a moment alone with you to return this.”

Hayden gave a knowing smile. “I presume you found it helpful.” It was spoken as a statement, not a question. “I’ll just go put this away before we rejoin Papa and Rene.” Hayden picked up the paddle and then stopped, turned back towards Zack and drew his son into a hug. “Are you all right? Is everything okay with Rene now?”

Zack leaned heavily into the comfort being provided. “Yeah, we’re okay. It was a bit of a tough go, but we’re gonna make it.”

Hayden patted Zack’s back and then drew back from the hug enough to look at his son’s face. “Of that I’ve no doubt. However, getting through the rough spots isn’t easy and I want you to know I’m here for you at anytime if you need to talk.”

“Thanks, Dad. I know I can depend on you should I feel I’m in over my head.” Zack gave a soft chuckle. “One thing for sure, Rene and I have unanimously agreed we do not want to have to resort to that paddle again.”

Hayden laughed. “Okay, I’ll just put it back where it belongs. Then I think we should rejoin our spouses before they come looking for us.”

The four men enjoyed a pleasant evening together; but finally feeling tired, Zack and Rene bid the dads goodnight.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

It was late when they arrived home. After locking up, they headed up to the en suite, where they took their time in the shower, soaping and caressing each other.

Things had gone rather smoothly since their return home considering they had not been out of each other’s sight since Zack had discovered Rene at the graveyard, but the older man knew they were in for a bit of a bumpy patch. This next week would be particularly challenging as Rene adjusted to the short leash.

Feeling the need to stake his claim and once more impress upon his husband just to whom he belong, Zack hoisted his semi-dried lover over his shoulder and carried him into the bedroom. Tossing the lighter man down unto the bed and making him bounce; Zack lay down beside him and began a slow exploration of the beautifully formed body he knew so well.

Rene was both startled and excited by Zack’s he-man antics when he was carried out of the bathroom. Nothing turned him on more than having his husband take charge like this. He moaned with pleasure as Zack sucked on that one spot on the back of his neck that he always kept marked.

After making sure Rene’s face and upper torso had received their fair share of attention, Zack moved his mouth toward Rene’s abdomen, eventually working his way down one inner thigh and up the other until the younger man was whimpering in need.

He bent and took Rene’s erection into his mouth, making the younger man buck and cry out. Zack continued to suck while his hands further parted Rene’s legs. He glanced up to see his husband’s eyes half-closed and heavy with desire, his handsome face flushed. Incoherent mutterings were finding their way through Rene’s partially opened lips.

Then Zack released the shaft from his mouth, and after making use of the tube lying on the bedside table, he inserted a well-lubed finger into the younger man’s body in preparation for making love to him and claiming what was his. When he felt his lover was ready, Zack lifted Rene’s legs onto his shoulders and steadily pushed into the welcoming warmth. He set up a rhythm that worked perfectly for both of them, increasing his thrusts and enjoying the feel of the clenching passage around his own arousal. He reached down and took Rene’s harden penis in his hand. He only had to pump it a couple of times before Rene was screaming and arching off the bed. Another hard thrust and Zack was cuming too, deep in his lover’s tight body.

Rene was out of it and Zack barely had the strength to clean them up with the hand towel he’d had the foresight to bring from the bathroom. Covering them up and spooning around his slumbering Brat, Zack had no trouble drifting into a deep, well-sated sleep.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Monday morning started the same as the last few days had. Zack awaked Rene and they showered, dressed and had their breakfast all within arm’s reach of each other. Rene was sure that he’d never been so physically close to another person for this much time in his entire life. Surely even when he was an infant, his mother would have left him in his cradle while he slept. But for the past three and a half days, Zack had not left his side.

Now he was to be dropped at the day care where he was to remain until Zack picked him up at noon. He didn’t know how he was feeling about this. Part of him wished he worked a full day. But Mondays he finished at twelve and would normally head home to work in his studio. Today however, he would spend the afternoon at the pharmacy with Zack.

It wasn’t that he hadn’t been happy with Zack the last few days, but now they had to go back to work and the thought of being short-leashed was beginning to worry him. He sat at the kitchen table, poking at his cereal and stewing.

“Stop doing that!” Zack ordered. He smirked at the expression of surprise that appeared on Rene’s face when the young man glanced up at the barked command. “Stop fretting and working yourself up.”

“Sorry. I just...well...you know,” Rene said, slightly embarrassed. “What are your employees gonna think of me coming and just sitting at the pharmacy every day? Aren’t they going to wonder what’s going on?”

“It isn’t any of their business, love, but I know realistically they will be curious.” Zack smiled his understanding. “Being as you’ll be writing lines in the back room; I’ll just tell them you’re helping me out with some personal paper work. Now if you’ve finished making a mess of what’s left in your bowl, let’s get going or we’ll both be late.”

Feeling somewhat better, Rene cleaned up his dish and followed Zack out to the car. When they arrived at the day-care centre, he leaned across the seat and gave Zack a goodbye kiss.

Zack returned the kiss and then gazed into his husband’s eyes. “Everything is going to be okay, love.” He wrapped a hand around Rene’s neck and gently rubbed the mark at the base of it. “Trust me,” he softly whispered.

“I do trust you, Zack.” Rene smiled and kissed his husband again. “I’ll see you at noon?” he asked for confirmation as he climbed from the car.

“I’ll be here,” Zack promised. He watched the younger man walk away, turn and wave. He waved back and drove off.

True to his word, Zack pulled up to the curb at exactly twelve. He smiled when he saw Rene sprinting towards him. “So how was your morning? Were the kids glad to see you back?” he asked while his husband buckled up.

“It was a good morning. The kids were great. We started a new mural for the entry hall. How was your morning?”

“Busy, but I still found the time to call Dr. Dean. He told me about a Dr. Coolidge in Kelowna. This doctor holds therapy sessions here in Jade Heights every Tuesday and Friday from ten until four.” Zack glanced at the man sitting beside him. “Patrick phoned me back just minutes before I was to come pick you up. Good news; your first appointment is this Friday morning at eleven.” He dropped his bombshell as he pulled into the parking lot behind the pharmacy.

“So soon? But I...I didn’t...” Rene was more than startled by Zack’s announcement. However, one look at the ‘no arguments’ expression on his husband’s face caused Rene to give up his fight before it even began. “Okay,” he sighed. “I’ll be there.”

“Good man!” Zack was pleasantly surprised. His proclamation hadn’t even garnered a token pout, let alone the hearty line of reasoning against it, that he had been expecting. ‘But it’s early yet,’ he thought, not letting himself get lulled into a false sense of complacency. He parked and then pulled Rene closer to plant a kiss on his head. “We’re going to have a bite of lunch before you start on your lines. I picked up a couple of sandwiches at the deli.”

Twenty minutes later, Zack was back at the drug counter and Rene was sitting at a small table in the back room, busy scribbling today’s assignment of the following. These same lines would be written one hundred time each day this week.

‘I will share my problems with the man who loves me. I will not try to second-guess what his reaction will be to anything I do or say. I will try harder to keep the lines of communication open between my husband and me.’

The door had been left open so both men for the most part were with ear-shot of each other, if not always eye-sight as Zack moved around meeting his customers’ needs.

Rene stared dully at the words written across the top of the page. Point in fact; they were good words and ones he did need to incorporate into his life. But the thought of writing them out one hundred times this afternoon and every afternoon this week seemed impossibly daunting and dull.

He looked up at the clock on the wall and noted the time as he began the first repetition. It took one minute and fifty-two seconds and filled four lines on the ruled paper to write it out just once. So averaging it at two minutes each and allowing for slowing down as his hand grew tired, Rene came to the horrible realization this would take well more than three hours and fourteen pages to complete. He let out an audible grown and flopped his head down on the table. He stayed that way until he felt a presence behind him.

Lifting his head slowly, he looked around to see Zack standing with his arms crossed and looking somewhat displeased. “Uh..hi, Zack.”

Zack made note of how little had been accomplished so far. He stared at his Brat for a couple of moments, then sighed and rolled his eyes in loving exasperation. Squatting down, he placed a hand on one of Rene’s. “Take this one step at a time, babe. There is no need to get overwhelmed. You have plenty of time; you’re not going anywhere.”

“Three hours! It’s going to take more than three hours to write this.” Rene looked into Zack’s eyes and remembered what this was all about. Sighing audibly, he added, “And I know that’s not the point. I’m sorry. You’re right; one step at a time.” Rene picked up the pen and began to write.

“You ready to head for home, Rembrandt?” Zack asked several hours later from where he was standing in the doorway. “It’s five o’clock and I’m hungry.” He smiled when he saw Rene stretching his hand. It had taken him longer to complete the assignment than it should have. Zack made a mental note to somehow curtail the number of trips downstairs to the staff room for cups of coffee which in turn necessitated extra trips to the washroom. While Zack had accompanied his Brat to the staff room, he hadn’t on trips to the washroom. He’d have to make sure that privilege was not taken advantage of.

All and all, both men had made it through the first work-day unscathed; three more to go and then the dreaded appointment.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Wednesday evening, Zack followed his husband into the kitchen. It had been a long day because unlike Monday and Tuesday, Rene had not worked at the day-care for part of it. Instead he had spent the entire day at the pharmacy and he was showing all the signs of a major meltdown.

“Go take a shower, Rene. I’ll get supper started,” Zack calmly offered, knowing full-well he was in all likelihood merely postponing the inevitable.

Rene was tired. Today Zack had had him working on the essay about driving an uninsured and unregistered vehicle as well as writing the cursed lines. His hand was cramping, and he was well sick and tired of sitting in the pharmacy all day. The only break had come in the form of lunch with Nessa, but that had only lasted forty minutes and then it was back to the little office behind the dispensary. He’d had to get Zack’s permission for everything he did except going to the washroom the last few days, and it was beginning to wear thin.

Now for the first time since coming home from Vancouver, he was being sent off to shower on his own. He knew he should feel grateful for the little freedom, but suddenly all he felt was angry. “What? I can take a shower all by myself? Are you sure it’s safe?” he tossed out, his voice dripping with sarcasm.

Zack glared at his Brat for all of two seconds, before grabbing him by him back of the neck and marching him upstairs and into their en suite. Once there, he stripped Rene of his clothing, turned on the water and with a hard swat on Rene’s bare bottom, pushed the younger man into the shower. Then he gathered up the items he had dropped on the floor and tossed them all into the laundry hamper.

Sitting down on the covered toilet seat to wait, Zack thought over what had just taken place. He realized the blow-up had occurred somewhat faster than he had anticipated and it suddenly hit him that his having suggested Rene leave his sight may have been a bit premature. As difficult as being on a short leash was, his husband was actually responded rather well to the security if offered. Zack slowly came to the conclusion he may not be able to lift the restrictions as soon as he had originally planned; it would have to be a slow process.

As soon as the words had escaped his lips, Rene felt like a louse. What the hell was he thinking? He couldn’t even come up with more than a token protest as Zack marched him up the stairs and put him into the shower. Now he stood with his butt stinging and guilt pouring over him with more intensity than the water. He looked through the glass doors of the shower enclosure and could see Zack patiently waiting for him. He quickly washed his hair, soaped up and rinsed off before shutting down the water. He slid back the shower door, glanced at Zack and then hung his head. “I’m sorry,” he murmured.

Zack stood up, pulled a large bath towel off the rack and enveloped Rene in it. For several moments, he just held Rene close and rubbed a soothing hand up and down his back, unmindful of the moisture being absorbed by the front of his shirt. When he felt the tension in the younger man’s body fade away, he took a step back.

“Apology accepted and you’re forgiven, sweetheart. I love you, ya know,” Zack assured his husband as he gently dried Rene’s hair and body. When done, Zack changed his wet shirt for a dry one while Rene put on clean boxers, socks and a t-shirt.

“So, are we ready to have supper yet?” Zack teasingly inquired.

“Yeah, I am kind hungry now,” Rene replied as he pulled on a pair of sweats. “How about we make some steak fajitas? I think we have all the stuff in the house. I can do the veggies while you grill the steaks.”

“Hmm, sounds good to me. They’re fast to do and one of our favs.” Zack knew he’d be able to keep an eye on his Brat through the patio doors and wondered if Rene realized that.

As Rene worked in the kitchen getting the vegetables chopped and sautéed, he found himself looking out at the deck every couple of minutes as if ensuring that Zack was still there. ‘This is ridiculous,’ he told himself. ‘What’s your problem? This short leashing is part of a punishment, not something you’re supposed to want. Or is it?’

A few minutes later when Zack walked in with the grilled steaks, Rene practically threw himself into the older man’s arms. “I love you! Thank you for loving me.”

“Believe me, love,” Zack laughed. “Loving you is my pleasure.” Zack would have returned the hug had he not been trying to keep meat from sliding off the plate he was holding. It looked like the evening was going to end on a happier note than he could have hoped for.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

On Thursday, like Tuesday, Rene worked the afternoon and after-school programs at the day care. He spent the morning at the pharmacy copying his lines, which he swore he would never forget to his dying day. Thursday evening at home was a quiet one for the couple. They’d watched TV and had gone to bed early, making love before falling asleep.

However, by five AM on Friday morning, Rene was wide awake and staring at the ceiling. He was dreading the appointment with the psychologist this morning. He’d had to give up his shift at the day care to attend it, which didn’t improve his feelings towards the whole thing. He didn’t like the idea of baring his soul to a stranger and was afraid of what this doctor would think of him.

He’d turned over and punched his pillow about a half dozen times before he felt Zack’s arm snake around his waist and pull him up against his broad chest.

“Back to the land of nod, love,” Zack sleepily murmured. “Everything will look better in the light of day.” He fought to stay awake long enough to comfort his husband and sooth the fretting man back to sleep.

‘I doubt it,’ Rene thought. He sighed but settled into Zack’s comforting embrace and managed to doze off until the alarm woke them at seven.

They got up, showered and dressed without too much difficulty, but breakfast was another story. Zack barely managed to cajole Rene into eating a half an English muffin and some juice. He put a stop to him when Rene went to refill his coffee cup for third time.

“You’ve had enough, Rene.” Zack looked up the crossword puzzle he’d been working on. He placed the morning newspaper and the pencil he’d been using in his briefcase, and got to his feet.

“Just a half a cup,” Rene pleaded.

“No time; switch off the coffee maker and help tidy up please.” Zack’s voice was firm and left no room for arguing.

Dishes were put in the sink, jackets shrugged into and the house silent, once the two men left for the day.

They had to go to the pharmacy for a couple of hours prior to Rene’s appointment. Rene was supposed to be finishing up his essay while Zack took care of business, but the nervous Brat couldn’t concentrate on anything beyond the thought of seeing this dreaded head-shrink. While Zack was busy with a customer, Rene slipped down the stairs and poured himself a mug of coffee.

“Just what do you think you are doing down here on your own, Rene?” Zack’s unexpected question from out of nowhere caught Rene unaware and almost caused him to spill his drink.

Rene groaned. “I just wanted a coffee.”

“Had you asked, I might have let you have another coffee. Of course, I would have accompanied you to get it as soon as I was free to do so. Now you can do without.” Having said that, Zack took the mug out of his Brat’s hand and emptied it down the sink. He was sorely tempted to land a stinging swat on his husband’s backside, but knew the sound would carry and he certainly didn’t intend to embarrass the man he loved. So he merely followed Rene up the stairs and saw to it that he was once again working on his essay.

Before Zack could return to the counter, Rene grasped his wrist and pulled him back. “I’m sorry, Zack. I should have asked. I’m kinda nervous about this morning.”

Zack’s stance softened and he ran his hand over Rene’s head. “I know, sweetheart. Try to put it out of your mind by concentrating on your writing assignment. If you do, you’ll find the time will fly by.”

At exactly twenty minutes to eleven, Zack entered the back room to tell Rene it was time to leave for his appointment. He had no trouble discerning from the small smile on his husband’s face, that the essay had just been completed. “Perfect timing, eh Rembrandt?” He dropped a light kiss on Rene’s head, handed him his jacket and together they walked out to where the car was parked behind the pharmacy.

Zack opened the passenger door and bowed. “Your chariot awaits, kind sir.” He smiled when his wit earned him a bit of a chuckle.

Rene chewed nervously on his lip as they drove to the clinic. When they arrived, Zack had to practically haul him out of the car and guide him into the old house that served as medical offices. Rene sat while Zack informed the receptionist of their arrival. It took Zack’s steady hand on his leg to keep him from jumping out of his chair while they waited. All too soon, he heard his name called.

He stood on wobbly legs and followed the receptionist down the hall. He gave a final glance back at Zack, who gave him an encouraging smile. He was shown to a comfortable chair in a tastefully decorated office. He was grateful to see there was no couch, only two matching club chairs and a small desk. There were potted plants on numerous surfaces around the room and the walls were decorated with photographs of local mountain scenery. It was obviously a space created for making people feel at ease.

Rene wasn’t exactly sure what he’d expected the doctor to look like, but the man who entered the room certainly didn’t fit any preconceived notions he may have had about psychologists. This man was young; perhaps thirty but no more, and had a head of shaggy curls. He wore jeans with running shoes and plaid shirt open at the neck. He smiled at Rene and held out his hand. “Hello, Rene. I’m pleased to meet you. I’m Dr. Coolidge, but you can call me Rick.”

Fifty minutes later, Rene was again shaking the doctor’s hand and agreeing to see him again next week. He found Zack in the waiting room, sitting exactly where he’d left him. “Okay, I’m ready to go.”

Zack wrapped an arm around his husband’s shoulders and gave him a quick squeeze. “How did it go, love?” he gently inquired a minute later while holding open the door and then following Rene through it.

Rene chatted rather freely as they walked to the car. “It was pretty good really. Rick, that’s Dr. Coolidge, is a really nice guy. We talked about why I’d come to see him. I told him cuz my husband manhandled me into it. He laughed and said that family pressure is what brings him at least half his patients. But then he asked about what I thought were the reasons you wanted me to come to him and we just went on from there. The time was up before I knew it. He wants to see me again next Friday afternoon and thinks we should continue doing so for at least a couple of months. He said that after a few weeks he’d like you to join us for some sessions. Would that be okay?”

“Of course it’ll be okay. I am available to support you any way I can, love,” Zack assured his husband as they climbed into the car and sat back, fully relaxed for the first time since getting up this morning.

“I guess this is where you get to say ‘I told you so’, cuz I think maybe this is the right thing for me to be doing. I know it won’t all be easy, but I do believe it will help.”

“Ah, ah, ah; you’re second guessing me again. I have no intentions of saying ‘I told you so’. However, you are right on both other counts, sweetheart. It won’t be easy, but it will help. I am just so proud of you.” Zack ran a hand through his hair, trying to come up with the words to express how he felt. Swallowing the lump in his throat, he went on to say, “I know how frightening this was for you, my love, but you bravely saw it through.” He turned to the man he loved with all his heart and embraced him. In an emotionally filled voice, he repeated once again, “God, I’m so damn proud of you.”

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

It had been two months filled with both joys and trials, but at the end of it both Rene and Zack were feeling a renewed strength in their commitment to each other and to their lifestyle. Rene’s depth of love and faith in the man he’d married had grown beyond all his imaginings. With this deep trust in place, Rene found the strength to deal with the last piece of physical evidence he held from Don’s suicide.

And so on a cool damp Sunday afternoon, Rene took the suicide note from the box in his studio and carried it with him to where Zack was working in his study.

Zack looked up as Rene came into the room. “Hi babe, are you done working already?”

“No, but I need to talk to you.” Rene climbed onto Zack’s lap and held the letter out to him. “Zack, I need to get rid of this letter. It haunting me, but I don’t know what to do with it. I mean I just can’t toss it into the trash.”

Zack thought for a moment. “Would you consider burning it?”

Rene blinked as he thought about Zack’s suggestion. “Yes, I think that might be the right thing. It would be like a cremation of this painful part of my past.”

“Exactly! I also have something I should add to the small fire.” Zack pulled a crumpled paper out of his desk. It was the letter Rene had left him. “This is the note you left me, Rene. Two truths jumped out at me; one was to do with you professing your love for me, the other concerned my wondering what the hell had happened. There were also two mega lies and they are what hurt the most. The first suggested I would never have wanted you had I known about your past; the second one said I could never forgive you.”

Zack put his hands on his husband’s shoulders and gazed into his handsome face. “My beloved husband, I began falling in love with you the moment I first looked into those beautiful blue eyes of yours and I continue to fall in love with you more and more each day. And no matter what you do, I will always forgive you. I’d like to burn this letter as a visible sign that it is behind us, over with and to be forgotten. Is that all right with you?”

Rene’s eyes welled up again as he realized just how much he’d hurt Zack, but the memory of the sting in his backside from the paddling reminded him they had dealt with that and he was forgiven. So now this ritual of burning would put these pains behind them for good and they could move forward. He wiped away the unshed tears and smiled. “Yes, I think that it will be a perfect way to deal with them.

“Then maybe we should head outside. I don’t think I want to start a fire here in my study,” Zack teased to lighten the somewhat heavy atmosphere. He pulled Rene to him and gently kissed the younger man’s trembling lips.

“Or we could use the fireplace,” Rene suggested.

“Perfect idea,” Zack concurred.

They headed into the living room where Zack placed the two letters on the coffee table. “Come with me, Rene.” He lead the way into the dining room and over to the wine rack. Handing his husband two wine glasses, he pulled out a bottle of Cabernet Sauvignon. “I think we should make this a special occasion.”

Back in the living room, Rene opened the glass doors to the fireplace and took down the matches while Zack poured the wine. Lighting a match, Rene held it to a few small pieces of kindling and waited for the wood in the grate to ignite.

Next he reverently placed Don’s letter on the logs. Zack followed suit with Rene’s letter. Within seconds the sheets were engulfed in flame. Rene placed his hand flat against the glass door and allowed tears to fall unchecked down his face.

Zack pulled him away before the glass got too hot and together they watched the two painful reminders of the past melt away. A couple of minutes later, nothing remained but ash and a few embers. Then the two lovers sat down on the floor with their backs against the sofa and toasted their new start, taking comfort in the warmth of the wine and the fire, and the security provided by their arms wrapped around each other.

The End

A very special thank you to Mel for putting this lovely video together.

I'd also like to thank Tarabeth for helping me post it here. I would never have been able to do so without her talking me through the set up step by step.