Remembering The Early Days of Fatherhood

The Trilogy – Part Three

Co-written by: Mel and LJ


Todd sighed deeply and nestled even closer against his husband’s side. He felt, rather than saw, Hayden reached over to gently set the leather-bound binder on the night table along with his glasses.

Turning slightly under the blankets, Todd placed his left leg over both of Hayden’s and wrapped an arm around the bigger man’s chest. He gazed into his lover’s hazel eyes and softly murmured. “Thank you. It’s been a while since we’ve done something like this and I didn’t realize how much I’ve missed it. I love listening to your voice and hearing Marie’s written thoughts was the perfect way to get back in the habit of you reading to me.”

Hayden wrapped his arm around Todd’s back, holding him firmly against himself with his finger tips gently caressing the soft skin of his husband’s flank. “You’re right, my love, it has been too long since we’ve read together like this. I’ve missed it as well.”

Todd stretched a bit and planted a loving kiss on his husband’s stubbed chin before dropping his head on Hayden’s shoulder. “The journal is bringing back so many memories. Do you remember when you first introduced me to Marie, love? It seems so long ago; she was so young….hell, we were all young,” Todd mused, absently toying with Hayden’s right nipple.

Hayden let out a soft moan, enjoying his husband’s attention to his nipple. It was something Hayden had grown to relish in their relationship as they matured. They felt so at ease touching and caressing each other without feeling the pressure that it always had to lead to sex. Sometimes it was just nice to cuddle and touch. “I remember it very well. Marie was barely out of her teens and we were just starting our careers. She had come by the house to drop off some paper work she’d done for me on the litigation I was doing for Delia. The first time I saw Marie at Delia’s bar and recognized her as the new receptionist from the office, I felt such a sense of panic that she could out me. Never for a moment thinking that her being at Spark’s meant she too might be gay. Nor ever for a moment thinking this young girl would change our lives forever.”

“As I recall, that was the case you won for Delia; and won it handily you did, as if there was ever any doubt. We had a party to celebrate and I had a grand time showing off the house we had just finished decorating. The only sad moment was when the baby pictures came out. While I was happy for Delia being a grandmother, it kind of served to remind us that we would never have a child of our own…..or so I thought. Who knew my getting somewhat upset would have such a profound effect on Marie.” Todd shook his head in wonder. He still marvelled at the turn of events that changed their lives forever.

Hayden smiled lovingly at his husband. “My darling, anytime I see you upset it has a profound effect on me. Given her history and that she had such a good and kind heart, Marie couldn’t help but feel your pain. The fact that she was willing to sacrifice so much to relieve that pain is what has always astounded me.”

“I was so dazed when you first told me of her willingness to bear us a child, I couldn’t do anything but cry,” he murmured around the lump in his throat before clearing it away. “But then it seemed like we were always waiting for something; almost three months waiting for the right time, another month waiting to see if the insemination was successful and finally waiting for the birth of our baby. Waiting isn’t exactly one of my strong points, is it, my love?”

“Really, love? I hadn’t noticed,” Hayden teased. He thought back to how impatient Todd had been about everything to do with the impending birth of their child. “Do you remember the cradle incident?”

Todd groaned. “You had to bring that up, didn’t you?” He cringed at the memory of the price his backside had paid for that little episode of bad judgement.

“Two months before the baby was even due and you drove down to Seattle by yourself just to pick up the cradle from the American outlet, rather than wait another ten days for it to be shipped here. I thought I’d heard it all until I got that call from the Canada Customs agent asking me to come and collect you at the border. Driving your car into their office wasn’t exactly one of your best moves,” Hayden replied with a shake of his head.

“It was an accident, Hayden. It wouldn’t have happen if I hadn’t been so upset over the damage done to the cradle by those careless people.”

Hayden’s thoughts rolled back to that day nearly thirty years before. He’d been trying to reach Todd all day and couldn’t understand where his husband had gone. Todd always took Wednesday afternoons off to compensate for working on Saturday mornings. Hayden had admonished him to rest today as he was getting concerned about his husband’s stress levels.

The younger man was obsessing over every detail to do with the impending birth of their child. He’d spent weeks combing through wallpaper books searching for just the right one for the nursery and had fussed over a thousand paint chips to find the perfect colour for painting the trim. He’d brought in a professional child proofer to ensure their home was safe. Hayden himself had been dragged to more than a dozen different stores to look at furniture and bedding. Todd was exhausting himself and it was still more than eight weeks before the due date.

When Hayden had called the dental clinic, he’d been told that Todd had left at ten-thirty that morning and it was now after five pm. He’d called the house numerous times, leaving messages on the answering machine. He’d even called several friends, with no luck. Hayden had finished off the last of his work and decided to head home, hoping all along that Todd would be there when he arrived.

Todd had awakened that morning, determined to carry out the plan that has been slowly building in his head over the last day or so. He didn’t think he could survive going into the nursery many more times when the first place his eyes went to was the empty spot where the cradle was supposed to be. He had made it a habit to check out the room at least twice a day since its’ completion. It had been numerous more times during the redecorating process itself.

Aside from that one piece of furniture, the room stood ready to welcome the little one who would make their family complete. A large crib stood against one wall, a matching chest of drawers against another wall, the changing table with its’ shelves filled was located near the radiator, and a large rocking chair in the corner made the room inviting. Winnie-the-Pooh characters danced across walls trimmed with matching paint. Colour co-ordinated floor mats, window dressings and linen brought it all together. Everything was ready; everything that is, except the cradle.

Two days ago, Todd had received yet another notice informing him that the shipping of the cradle has been delayed once again. He was beside himself. “I don’t understand how these places stay in business with such shoddy service,” he had groused under his breath. “It has been six weeks since I placed the order.” His mood brightened as a seed of an idea took root. “Yes, that’s it! I take care of it on my own and surprise Hayden by going to Seattle and picking up the cradle myself.”

Todd never thought for a moment that things could go so wrong. But then, Todd was incapable on thinking ahead when he was in full-speed ‘impulsive’ mode.

Everything had gone smoothly; right up until one of the inspectors at the border had carelessly pushed the disassembled item back in its’ box, resulting in a scratch on one of the small rungs. Todd had barely been able to stop himself from verbally taking the man to task. It wasn’t the man’s greater size that had curtailed Todd’s rant, it was the uniform and the fear of being arrested that had him biting his tongue and getting back in his car.

He slammed the vehicle into gear and stepped on the gas, only to discover he had it in reverse. He realized his error in a matter of seconds when he crashed against the wall of the Customs office, seriously damaging his car.

The next fifteen or twenty minutes passed in a daze, even after Todd stopped hyper-ventilating. Once some kindly soul clued into Todd’s inability to cope with the chaos he had caused, things started coming together. The woman gently cajoled Todd from his vehicle and into the building. A few moments of calmly talking to him produced the name and number of someone to contact. She left Todd sipping a cup of sweetened tea while she placed a call to a ‘Hayden’ somebody.

It was now gone six-thirty and Hayden was pacing the floor of their home. His husband had been gone without a word for eight hours. If anything had happened to Todd, he didn’t know what he would do. It was too soon to attempt filing a missing persons report but he was getting more and more concerned.

He walked past the beautifully decorated nursery a half dozen times before he finally went in and looked at the room. Without Todd here to wax on about each detail, the space suddenly felt devoid of life; it looked lonely and sad. When they had shown the room to Marie two days ago, it had seemed filled with colour and beauty. Hayden knew that it was Todd who brought the colour into his life and life without that thoroughly exasperating man would be empty indeed.

He began pacing again and mumbling under his breath about blistering a certain butt until its’ owner couldn’t sit, but in his heart he was far more worried than angry. He forced himself to sit down, trying to relax. He got halfway through a cup of coffee when the phone rang.

Five minutes later, Hayden was in his car and heading to the designated border crossing. The woman who called said that Todd was uninjured; just shaken up by the accident, for which Hayden was grateful. However, he was absolutely astounded to hear that his husband had been across the border today; a trip about which Hayden knew nothing. Once he’d ascertained his beloved’s well-being, he had every intention of learning just what this trip had been about and doling out appropriate consequences to the younger man for his actions.

Ninety minutes later, Hayden was walking through the door of the Canada Customs office. There sitting in a plastic chair against a brick wall, with head hanging and looking totally forlorn, was one Todd William Rogers-Pierce. Hayden slipped into the chair beside him and heedless of the public place, he wrapped his arm around Todd’s shoulder and spoke quietly to him. “It’s okay, babe. I’m here.”

Todd turned, buried his face in Hayden’s shoulder and quietly sobbed. The tears he had been holding back finally rolling freely down his face and onto his husband’s shirt. The heavy arm around him and the familiar scent of the man he loved, soon calmed him enough to mumble out an apology.

“I’m very sorry, Hayden, if I’ve worried you. I was anxious to get the nursery finished and I wanted to surprise you. I didn’t mean for things to go so wrong.” He accepted the handkerchief that was pressed into his hand and used it as inconspicuous as possible to wipe his eyes and blow his nose. He gazed up at the man beside him, gave him a watery smile and whispered, “Thank you for coming to my rescue, my love.”

Hayden pulled back enough to carefully inspect his Brat. “Nothing could keep me from coming for you,” he assured. “Now the first thing I need to know is are you hurting in any way? Feeling any pain or discomfort from the accident?”

“No, I’m fine. Just a little shaken up at first, but I’m fine now.” Todd drew in a deep breath to steady himself.

Hayden sighed with relief. “Thank God for that. Okay, I understand there was some minor damage to the building’s facade which we’ll have to sort out later. They already have all your information here so I’m just going to leave my business card with the supervisor and tell them to contact me, as your attorney, to settle up any costs. Just sit here and wait for me. I’ll be right back.”

Hayden spoke with the appropriate personnel and was back at Todd’s side a few minutes later. “We’re free to go now. I’ll arrange for your car to be towed to the body shop tomorrow.” He guided his husband from the building. As they walked by Todd’s wrecked vehicle, Hayden felt himself shudder when thinking of the impact it would have taken to do that much damage. He tucked Todd carefully into the passenger seat of his car, ensuring his lover’s seatbelt was securely fastened before he moved to the driver’s seat and started the engine. He had barely turned over the ignition when Todd let out a cry.

“Wait, Hayden!” Todd shouted, clutching onto his husband’s arm. “The cradle; it’s still in my car. I can’t leave it behind to fall into the hands of someone who wouldn’t care what happened to it. We have to get it and take it home with us.”

Picking up a slight hesitation from his husband, Todd pointed out what he considered a positive rationale for his request. “It shouldn’t be as hard to get it into your car as it was to get it in mine, love. Yours is so much roomier.” He smiled contentedly when Hayden got out of the car after releasing a lengthy sigh of long-suffering. “Don’t forget all the other packages in the back seat!” Todd called out rather cheerfully.

Hayden fumbled on his key-ring for the key to fit Todd’s car. Finally getting it opened, he surveyed the large box and multiple shopping bags that filled the back seat. He shook his head as he moved the items to the trunk of his own vehicle. Lying atop one of the bags was a form from Canada Customs with the value and amount of duty owed and paid for the haul. Todd had certainly enjoyed an extensive shopping spree in Seattle. Not that they couldn’t afford it; both men made an excellent income. However, this unplanned and unsanctioned trip across the border was going to cost Todd more than he’d planned.

Once everything was securely stowed, Hayden got back behind the wheel of his car and carefully headed out on the highway for the journey home. He glanced over to Todd and noted the early signs of a fretting Brat starting to show on the handsome face. “Since we have more than an hour’s drive ahead of us, why don’t you fill the time with the long, very detailed explanation of your trip today, up to and including the accident. I’m anxious to hear all about it.”

Todd released a drawn-out sigh. “It never seems to fail; when I want to give you the minute details of an event, you only want the abridged version. But when I want to give you the Reader’s Digest version of things, you want every nitty-gritty detail.” He gave Hayden a weak grin and patted his husband’s leg to show he was only teasing.

The younger man knew he had a lot to answer for. He knew he was in trouble but wasn’t exactly sure just how deep a hole he had dug for himself. What he was sure of and the knowledge brought him comfort, was that Hayden would take care of things and get them back on track. But first, Todd inwardly admitted, he had to own up to his wrongdoing.

“You remember the notice I received on Monday about the shipment being delayed yet again?” At Hayden’s nod, Todd nervously played with the crease on the front of his pant leg and resignedly continued. “I was so disappointed and not just a little fed up with the whole thing that I simply made up my mind to do something about it. I also wanted to surprise you by finishing off the nursery. Of course I never once anticipated surprising you in this manner.” Todd closed his eyes and groaned in misery at the memory of backing into the Customs building, the sound of the crash once again playing over in his head.

Leaning forward, Todd rested his forehead in his hands and sincerely murmured, “I am so sorry, Hayden. Sorry for worrying you, sorry for dragging you out here after a long day’s work to rescue me once again, just plain sorry for impulsively running headlong into another mess.” He glanced up at his husband’s handsome face, his own eyes pleading for understanding and forgiveness.

Hayden reached his hand over and gently stroked Todd’s back as he drove. “We’ll work it out, sweetheart. I know you’re sorry and even if I don’t support it, I at least now understand your motivation for today’s sojourn across the border. What I still want to hear about is how this accident occurred. You’re a good driver and I don’t understand how you backed your car so violently into the Customs office.”

Todd sadly shook his head. “You wouldn’t believe, Hayden, how positively nasty that man was. There was absolutely no need for him to rummage so carelessly through my purchases and cause the damage he did. I had already told him I was aware of being over the allowable amount of purchases for a day trip and would willingly pay the duty owed. I had even politely handed over all my receipts only to have them snatched from my hand.”

Sitting back in his seat, Todd continued. “I don’t think he is very happy with his job. I wouldn’t be at all surprised to learn that his only happiness comes from harassing unsuspecting people like me. By the time everything was taken care of, I was more than a little flustered and felt extremely put upon. Of course I couldn’t express my feelings without repercussions, so I just got in my car with every intention of getting away as quickly as possible.”

Todd sighed as he turned to look at his husband. “I guess my mind must have been elsewhere when I stepped on the gas believing I was in drive; because I wasn’t. I was in reverse and the building just seemed to come out of nowhere.”

It took several deep calming breaths for Hayden to reply without raising his voice. “In the past year we have had several discussions on the subject of stopping to think and work through your emotions before reacting to a situation that upsets you. While I sympathize one hundred percent with why you were upset, I will never give you sympathy for allowing your emotions to take over your actions and put yourself and possibly others in danger. I know that you are sorry, my love, but you are going to feel some serious consequences for your actions today. If nothing else I’d like you to remember that we have a child due to be born in a couple of months' time, and he or she and I need you to be healthy and safe.”

Todd grimaced and slid further down in his seat. He crossed his arms over his chest and closed his eyes for a moment before deciding he may as well hammer the last nail in his coffin. “There’s something else, Hayden. I may have gone a little overboard.”

When his husband merely raised an inquiring eyebrow, Todd went on to explain with a bit more enthusiasm. “There was such an abundance of marvellous baby things that are not available in our city. Just wait until we get home and you see it all, my love. Although truth be told, you may not be overly pleased when the next credit card statement arrives in the mail. But you can’t say I didn’t warn you, can you?” He grinned at the man in the driver’s seat, feeling somewhat self-satisfied for owning up to his transgressions without Hayden having to disentangle every last detail; as was often the case when Todd’s behaviour was less than acceptable.

Hayden couldn’t help but chuckle at Todd’s admission, but quickly sobered as his mind returned to reality of the day. “Although I haven’t seen the contents of the packages yet, you did leave the customs form on top of them, love. So I am already aware of what you spent and the duty paid today. Even though it was somewhat sizable, I am perfectly willing to absorb the costs as part of bringing our child into this world. What I am not willing to absorb is this whole trip made without any discussion or consent. For you to go shopping close to home is one thing, but making a trip across the border without even taking a moment to call me and discuss your plans is totally unacceptable. I know you have said you are sorry for worrying me, but do you really understand what it was like for me to be unable to reach you all afternoon, to get home and feel helpless as I paced the floors not knowing how to go about finding you?”

Todd gazed at the handsome face of the man beside him for several long moments and studied the lines of worry clearly seen in the lights of passing cars. He turned to stare unseeingly at his own reflection in the passenger side window as his husband’s words hit home. His eyes filled as his thoughts drifted back to a very frightening time last winter. An unexpected storm had hit the city. He was already home getting a start on their evening meal, but Hayden had been held up and was running late. Driving had been a great deal slower than it usually was and extremely treacherous. Random power outages had only added to the rising problems and made communication between the two men impossible.

Sitting in the dark with only a portable radio for companionship, Todd had huddled in the corner of the sofa and listened to the weather report. His concern had long transformed into overwhelming panic by the time Hayden arrived home and the younger man had all but catapulted off the sofa and into his husband’s arms.

Recalling his feelings of desperation during the long hours he had waited for his lover’s safe return, caused hot tears of remorse to slowly run down his face. Todd pulled up his legs, tightly wrapped his arms around them and laid his head on his knees. His attempts to keep his crying as unobtrusive as possible failed miserably.

Hayden felt badly when he saw the effect of his words on his husband. However, he also wanted Todd to fully understand the consequences of his actions today. He reached across and gently rubbed the weeping man’s back. “Okay, babe, we’ll work it all out and things will be fine.” He wrapped his arm around Todd and pulled him over so that the younger man’s head was resting on his shoulder. “Why don’t you close your eyes and get some sleep. I’ll wake you when we get home.”

He felt Todd relaxing against him as he stroked his back while keeping his attention on the road. The rest of the drive was quiet, as his normally exuberant partner lay quietly against his side. Hayden was aware that Todd wasn’t sleeping but as least he felt comfortable and relaxed. It wasn’t until Hayden pressed the remote to open their garage door that Todd pulled back up to a sitting position.

“Home again….finally!” Todd murmured out his relief and unfastened his seatbelt. His stomach chose that moment to grumble out a reminder that he had not eaten since noon. “Are we both hungry, Hayden? There is a bowl of chicken salad for sandwiches in the fridge as well as some leftover chicken noodle soup. It shouldn’t take long to throw something together.” He climbed out of the car and stretched as Hayden popped the trunk release. Then he walked around to the back of the car and removed some of the parcels.

Todd knew they had a serious discussion ahead of them and as a result was no long quite so eager to show off his purchases. That activity could be put on hold for a day or two.

Hayden took the packages from his lover’s hands. “I’ll put the things away in the nursery, while you get the supper put together. Then we’ll deal with the rest of this day once we’ve eaten.” His words were spoken kindly but with an edge of understanding that the younger man knew well.

It took three trips for Hayden to get all the packages and the large box with the cradle placed safely into the room Todd had so lovingly decorated. He took a moment to look in the box and nervously glanced through the instruction manual for the cradle’s assembly. Shaking his head, he mumbled. “Dad what right when he said engineering was a good career. A law degree isn’t going to help put this together.”

He turned at the sound of a soft chuckle coming from behind him. Though Todd’s lips were turned in a slight smile, it didn’t quite meet his eyes. His Brat was starting to fret. Hayden dropped the booklet back into the box and pulled his lover into his arms, giving him a comforting hug and gentle kiss. “Is supper ready? I’m starved.”

Todd snuggled into the encompassing embrace, grateful for the soothing assurance it offered. “Yes, everything is on the table,” he softly replied, tightening his arms around his husband for a moment longer before letting go and stepping back.

Taking Hayden’s hand, he led the way downstairs and into the kitchen. The companionable conversation was as light as the meal itself and both proved comforting.

But all too soon, or so it seemed, it was Hayden taking Todd’s hand and leading the way back upstairs to the little room next to the master bedroom.

The room was small. It was the only room in the house which Hayden had taken full control of decorating. The walls were painted in a rich shade of mocha, the floor covered with thick broadloom several shades darker than the walls, the single window covered by heavy damask draperies, and the sofa and matching wingback chair were upholstered in hunter green tapestry. Everything in the room spoke of peace, quiet and privacy.

Hayden closed the door behind them and drew Todd down to sit with him on the sofa. He wrapped his arm around Todd’s waist and pulled him close to his side. He gently stroked his husband’s cheek with his free hand as he spoke. “Can you tell me why you’re going to be spanked?”

Todd blinked. He wondered if he would ever get use to his husband’s straight-forward approach to this aspect of their relationship. He gathered his thoughts and focused on the events of his day. Leaning his head on Hayden’s broad shoulder, Todd began to recount his misdeeds in a soft voice. “I took off on a day-trip without telling you. Even though I would have like the cradle’s arrival to be a surprise, I could have saved us both a lot a lot of misery by talking it over with you first. It was a longer drive than I thought it was going to be and that trouble at the border made it even more trying.”

Glancing up into his lover’s handsome face and recognizing the expression of expectation, Todd sadly admitted, “I didn’t take the time to calm down once I was free to continue on my way. I ended up backing into the corner of the building and damaging my car. I’m sorry, Hayden, for all the trouble I’ve caused today.” He chewed on his lip and frowned slightly, looking somewhat perplexed. “But who knew so much could go so wrong in such a short period of time?”

“Forethought, my love, would save you a world of grief,” Hayden replied, while planting a kiss on Todd’s head. “Now let’s get this done.” He guided Todd to his feet and waited while the younger man slowly undid his belt and trousers. Hayden reached up and gently slid the open pants and tight fitting briefs down his husband’s legs then guided him over his lap. He could see the white globes contract in anticipation of the discomfort that lay ahead for them.

He wrapped his left arm around the slender waist and raised his right hand to bring it down with a resounding smack. He spanked long and hard enough to turn the formerly white bottom a glowing shade of crimson, but stopped as soon as he felt the lesson had been sufficiently taught.

Next, he pulled his beloved Brat back up and slid himself into a reclining position on the couch with Todd on top of him, held securely in his arms. He didn’t mind at all the tears soaking his shirt as Todd cried himself out. They had settled the issue between them and needed this time to reconnect and move past the day’s troubles.

As far as Hayden was concerned, if Todd wanted it, he would lay like this the rest of the evening. He realized that with a baby coming into their lives they would have to forfeit some of their alone time, but for now he would take what he could get and his heart told him that the joy this child would bring would more than compensate for the small loss of personal time.

Hayden’s mind returned to the present and to the not quite so young man who it seemed had fallen asleep lying across his chest. He kissed the beloved head and with a bit of squirming was able to reach up and turn out the light and find a comfortable enough position in which to fall asleep himself. Tomorrow he looked forward to reading more of Marie’s journal, but for now he was content.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

‘Déjà vu, or what?’ Todd giggled slightly as the thought hit him and he watched Hayden once again set the journal on his night table. Another evening spent lying in bed with his husband reading to him, had left Todd mellow with contentment.

“I really loved having Marie with us for those two months,” Todd softly mused. “Of course, it would have been better had she not been hurt in that accident and if she had stayed like we wanted until Zack was born, but I’m not complaining; two month was better than none at all. Thank goodness by then she and I were both over that horrid morning sickness.”

“You and she?” Hayden laughed. “From what I recall and what she wrote here in her journal, Marie’s morning sickness wasn’t near as bad as yours. Having to bring my husband and our surrogate soda crackers in bed each morning was a bit unusual, but then again there is nothing unusual about you, my love.”

He jumped at being pinched on the chest for his remark and provided a playful swat to Todd’s hip in reply. “Brat! I meant that as a compliment.” He looked thoughtful for a moment. “You know I’ve never said this out loud, I guess because I’ve always felt guilty for even thinking it; but when we got the phone call that Marie had been in the accident, all I could think about the whole way to the hospital was the baby. I kept praying over and over that he’d be all right. It wasn’t until I saw Marie lying there in the bed with the cast on her leg and the bruises on her face that I worried for her. Isn’t that horrible? She was giving us this tremendous gift and all I thought about was what we could lose. I don’t think I’ve ever felt so petty and selfish as I did when I saw her.” Hayden sighed, the weight of thirty year old guilt lying heavily on him.

“Oh my darling,” Todd soothingly murmured as he lovingly ran his fingers down Hayden’s cheek. “You were not the only one. They had told us when they called that Marie’s injuries were not fatal, but they never mentioned the baby. I think it was only natural for us to worry about the unknown.”

His eyes filled at the thought of this near-perfect man who made up his world, dealing with such feelings of self-reproach. Todd knew he’d never have been able to handle something like that on his own and he fervently hoped his words had eased the burden his husband carried.

“Thank you, love. I suppose you are right, but I still did feel very bad about it,” Hayden confessed. “It was an awful accident. Poor Marie, she really felt miserable with that concussion. She was fortunate to have the best nurse/dentist on the west coast taking care of her once she was out of the hospital. I know you were terribly disappointed when she didn’t want to continue her stay with us after the cast came off her leg. I do believe you loved every moment of fussing over her, didn’t you?”

“Actually, I did,” Todd readily admitted, a slight blush touching on his cheeks. “But like many things, there were pros and cons along with at least one ‘what if’. A major pro was having Marie so close and helping her return to full health. But according to her diary, I am beginning to wonder if she was beginning to see into the more private parts of our relationship. I can only imagine how she might have reacted had she known about the….you know.”

“I can’t imagine she would have had any idea about …you know,” Hayden gently teased. “However, she did clearly say how good it made her feel knowing the baby was going to be raised in a loving home.” He rubbed Todd’s back as he mused. “You know, through the years we may have made our share of mistakes as parents, but the one thing I know for certain was that our son was raised with love. The very second I saw him in that delivery room, covered in mess and letting out his first cry; I vowed we’d love him and care for him always. And I think we’ve done pretty good at that; don’t you?”

“I most certainly do,” Todd emphatically concurred. “Nor will I ever forget that most extraordinary moment in our lives when our precious baby boy was born.” Todd closed his eyes and clasped his hands tightly together. “It was such a miracle,” he whispered, still awed by the memories. “He was so tiny, but everything was there; all his little fingers and toes, delicately shaped ears, tiny mouth and nose, and beautiful dark brown eyes.” Todd had been enthralled from the first.

“His eyes were dark when he was first born,” Hayden laughed. “That lasted about a week at most if I recall correctly. But you’re right he was a beautiful baby.”

“Yes, and then they changed to hazel; just like yours. Do you remember how the nurses checked him over in the few minutes after his birth, but then left him alone while they went off to tend to another patient? I first I was upset, until I realized we now had him to ourselves while the doctor attend to Marie.”

Todd recalled having tentatively picked up the new-born infant and sitting down in the rocking chair situated in a far corner of the delivery room. He had hummed softly to sooth his son as he gently ran his fingers over the mop of dark hair before dropping a light kiss on the small forehead. He’d had no way of preventing the tears of joys rolling down his cheeks and he hadn’t even bothered to try. It was during those few quiet moments that Todd had bonded with his son.

He had sensed Hayden moving over to his side, had seen a big hand reach out and tenderly touch the baby’s hand. Todd had beamed a watery smile up to his husband when tiny fingers had curled around one of Hayden’s.

Hayden shook his head at the memory. “I don’t think I’ve ever been as proud or as scared as I was when we took him home with us for the first time. I’ll tell you honestly, Todd, I did have my moments of doubt. I did wonder about all the fears homophobes try to make the world believe, that a baby needs a mother to thrive and all that crap. Those fears tried to take hold of me a couple of times. Those first few days, every time he cried I was scared. I think Zack could feel it when I held him and it made him scared too. Do you remember the fourth night?”

“Only too well, my love, only too well,” Todd chuckled.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

The crying woke him. The bedside clock read three-forty AM. Hayden had been aware of Todd climbing back into bed less than an hour before. When he felt his husband starting to get up, Hayden knew what he had to do. It couldn’t be all on Todd’s shoulders. He put a hand over to stop his husband from rising. “It’s my turn, love. You need to get some sleep.”

‘I can do this,’ Hayden told himself as he got up. It just seemed that every time he picked up the baby, the child cried. It was making him a wreck. He quickly pushed his feet into his slippers and pulled on his robe, tying it as he made his way to the nursery.

He bent over the cradle and lifted the tiny wailing and angry infant into his arms. “Hey there, Zackary,” he whispered. “Your Papa just got you settled, so how about you give him some rest and let Daddy help.” He made a quick diaper check and found his son to be clean and dry. He tried to entice the crying baby to take the pacifier, but it was repeatedly spit out.

The schedule called for another bottle at four AM, so Hayden figured once he got it warmed it would be close enough to the right time. He carefully held the baby against his chest as he made his way to the kitchen, pulled the prepared bottle from the fridge and put it into the little water-filled warmer on the counter top. Zackary seemed to take exception to the wait, or the position, or who knew what else, as he began to scream louder. Hayden tried pacing the floor, bouncing the babe gently as he’d see Todd do, but his son just kept up his screams.

Hayden knew he was doing something wrong but what, he couldn’t understand. What kind of father was he? Maybe he was crazy to think he could do this? The bottle seemed to take forever to reach the right temperature, but finally it was warm. Hayden popped the nipple into Zack’s mouth as he carried him back to the nursery. At first the babe latched on and began to suck eagerly, but within seconds of Hayden seating himself into the rocking chair, Zack began to wail again.

He began to despair of his ability to be a parent if he couldn’t even feed his baby without putting him into distress. “Oh son,” he whispered. “I think you got stuck with a lemon for a dad.”

He looked up with gratitude as Todd entered the room. He lifted the baby up as to hand him over to his husband and was shocked when Todd kept his hands in his robe pockets, refusing to take the tiny screeching bundle from him.

“You’re nervous, Hayden, and our son is sensing it. There’s no need to be, he isn’t going to break.” Todd walked over and stood looking down at his husband. “You two just have to get to know each other better. Zack meet Daddy, Daddy meet Zack. Now, Hayden, put him up on your shoulder and burp him. Tighten your hold a little so he feels secure, then sit back and relax. There you go, the bubble of air is out and he is ready to be fed.”

Todd watched with a self-satisfied grin on his face as Hayden seemed to visibly unwind and actually begin to get pleasure from caring for the baby in his arms. Zackary stopped crying and again accepted the bottle. He was soon sucking noisily on the nipple. It wasn’t long before he was sleeping soundly.

Todd smiled understandingly at his husband’s hesitation when it came time to put the baby back in his cradle as he too had difficulty leaving their little one. There was something so warm and comforting about holding their sleeping son.

After finally giving up his hold on the baby and tucking him safely into the cradle, Hayden steered Todd back to their bedroom. Although he knew Todd was in heaven looking after their son, he could also see that the lack of sleep was taking its’ toll on his young husband. There were dark circles under his eyes and he looked exhausted.

“Okay, babe, time to tuck you in as well. And I want you to stay in bed until I say you can get up.” He lovingly divested Todd of his robe and guided him into the warm bed. “I have let you do the lion’s share of child care since we brought the baby home, but that ends now.” When he saw Todd was about to speak, Hayden raised his hand. “No arguing, my love. Besides, we agreed that you could manage to take three months away from your practice to stay home with Zack. But I only have two weeks of vacation time left to me, so let me help now while I still can. Once I’m back to work, the night feedings will be yours; other than weekends.”

Much as he would have liked to dispute some of the points Hayden was making, Todd was just too tired to do so. He found himself readily submitting to his husband’s persuasive line of reasoning and crawling back in bed. He was asleep before his head hit the pillow.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

“Although I can still recall the overwhelming times of our budding fatherhood, I also remember how quickly you became very adept at caring for our son and meeting his needs. You were, and still are, the greatest father a child could have, Hayden. No one could ask for better. If they did, they’d be in for a hell of a disappointment.” Todd was adamant in his defence of his husband’s parenting skills. “The proof is in the fine man our son has grown up to be. Don’t ever doubt yourself, my darling.”

Hayden turned and kissed Todd’s head where it was resting on his shoulder. “You’re good for my ego. However, our son had two parents and his Papa played just as significant a role as his Dad, if not more. Certainly no one could have been more protective and nurturing than you were. Look at all the trouble we had finding a nanny who could live up to your expectations. I’m sure you’d have told Mary Poppins that she lacked the experience needed.”

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

“Todd, you’re starting back to work in less than two weeks and we’ve interviewed eleven nannies so far. What was wrong with this last woman? She seemed perfect to me.” Hayden was getting exasperated. Though he appreciated that their child deserved the best of care; it was beginning to look like they’d never find a nanny who could meet Todd’s exacting standards.

“Perfect? You can't be serious. She was elderly and looked positively frail. What if she dropped our baby, or fell while she was carrying him? We can’t take that chance, Hayden. The two before her were just too darn young. Didn’t you see the make-up on them and the way they were dressed? I don’t know why the agency keeps sending us so-called nannies who obviously do not meet are requirements. I spelled everything out quite explicitly on our application.”

Hayden glanced at the resume in front of him. The woman whom they had just interviewed was fifty-six years old, hardly elderly. He sighed. Yes, he could have made an issue of Todd’s excuse for not finding her acceptable. As a matter of fact, he knew that he could have insisted they accept her. However, the selection of a nanny to care for their son was not an area where Hayden was about to use his power as head of the house. This was their child’s well-being and they both needed to feel totally comfortable with the person who would be caring for Zack.

He only hoped the next one would work out. He glanced at his watch. Their next interviewee wasn’t due for a while yet. The baby was blessedly asleep, so maybe he could help his husband’s mood mellowed out a bit before she got there.

An hour later a happy, smiling, sated, couple opened their front door to prospective nanny number twelve.

The woman standing on their doorstep appeared to be in her late-thirties. She was just over five feet in height and a little pudgy. There was a beautiful smile, lighting up her face. She extended her hand and introduced herself with a slight Scottish accent as Nessa Gibson.

It turned out that Nessa was a professional child-minder and was registered and inspected by the Office for Standards in Education and insured to care for children in their homes. In addition, she had completed several training and first aid courses.

“I don’t know about her, Hayden,” Todd declared as soon as the door had closed behind the departing nanny. He glanced over the card in his hand and knew in his heart this was by far the best candidate they’d interviewed. Actually she was perfect and he had really liked her. But was he ready to relinquish their son’s care? Was he ready to return to his practice? The thought of being away from the baby for any length of time still bothered him, but he had yet to inform his husband of these feelings.

Hayden resisted the urge to sigh. He truly felt in his heart and his head that they had found the perfect nanny in Nessa Gibson. She was delightful and not only fulfilled all of their requirements, but surpassed several of them. He had only to understand what it was that was making Todd so hesitant. “Okay, love, let’s sit down and talk about this.”

It was early September and the weather was still warm, so he guided his husband out onto the deck off the kitchen and sat beside him on the porch swing. As was usual, Todd had the baby monitor clipped to his belt so they would know when Zack awoke from his nap. He held the younger man’s hand firmly in his and gave an encouraging smile. “Todd, talk to me. Tell me what is it that has you doubting.”

Todd sat silently contemplating for several moments, his free hand playing with Hayden’s ring. “I have such mixed feelings about leaving the baby and going back to work,” he finally answered in a small voice. Looking into the other man’s handsome face, he continued. “I have missed the people at the clinic; both the staff and patients. I’d truly like to be part of that world again. It is just that leaving Zack is so hard.”

He shifted as if embarrassed and his cheeks turned a deep pink. “I can’t decide, Hayden. I want you to. I trust you to do what is best for all of us.”

“Oh my love, this is not something I can just arbitrarily decide upon for you. This is your career we’re discussing and our child’s care.” Hayden thought quietly for a moment before speaking again. “Let’s see if we can look at the whole picture here. On one side we have our son, a child we both desperately wanted. Having Zackary in our lives is a gift beyond compare. Can I tell you that I have felt a little jealous of the extra time you have had with him these last couple of months? Not that I begrudge you that time, I’m just a little envious. Every minute with our son is precious. I think the difficulty we had realizing the dream of becoming parents, makes it seem all the more special. So believe me when I say I do understand your desire to be home with him all the time.”

Todd opened his mouth to disagree when he realized his husband didn’t intend to take the choice from him, but changed his mind and bit back his words.

Hayden gave Todd’s hand an understanding squeeze. “On the other hand, you spent so many years and put so much hard work into realizing your dream of becoming a dentist and having your own practice; giving that up would be heartbreaking. Most especially now that your practice is just beginning to take off. Also, I know for a fact that being a dentist isn’t just a job to you; it’s a calling, a real desire to help your patients.”

Todd slowly nodded his acceptance that what was being said was right on. Unfortunately, that still didn’t make the decision any easier. He chewed at his lip as he continued to listen, hoping Hayden might have other suggestions.

“I think what you’re saying to yourself is that it’s one or the other but, sweetheart, going back to work isn’t giving up Zack. It’s just putting his care into the hands of another for a few hours a day. You’ll still be his Papa. But if you don’t go back to work, you won’t still be a dentist. Another thing for you to consider is that running your own practice gives you the freedom to modify your working hours. Your office is only a few minutes from here. You could come home for lunch or you could do a couple of evening hours a week, so you’d be home in the mornings with the baby and I’d be with him those evenings. There are a large number of options available, Todd. I don’t want to see you miserable giving up something that has meant so much to you. So I’m not telling you to go back to work, my love. That is a decision you must make. However, I am suggesting there are ways for you to have lots of time with the baby and still have your career.”

Todd smiled his appreciation of Hayden’s proposals. “You’re right. I can have the best of both worlds. First thing in the morning, I’ll go in and talk over a new schedule with my partners at the clinic.”

He looked up at his husband with an ever widening smile and eyes sparkling with a bit of humour. “But you can make the final decision on whether or not Nessa Gibson is going to be our new nanny.”

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

“Nessa was an excellent nanny, wasn’t she?” Hayden asked. “All the years she stayed with us. Even when Zack was in school, she’d be there to meet him after. Walking him to nursery school on the days you couldn’t. We couldn’t have asked for anyone better. And Zack adored, still adores her. We really should invite her up to Jade Heights for a visit this summer. I know Zack would love to see her and Nessa hasn’t met Rene yet. It would be nice for all of them.”

“Only nice for all of them, Hayden? I happen to think it would be nice for all of us, especially since she was unable to make it to the wedding. She’s retired now and living on her own in a little apartment on the west side of Vancouver, and still as feisty as ever. But you’re right; we must call and persuade her to come for a visit.” Todd sat up and grinned at his husband. “Every now and again, you come up with such a marvellous idea, love.”

He sighed and lay back down next to his husband, making sure their naked bodies made as much contact as possible. “I’ve truly enjoyed these last two evenings that we’ve spent reading Marie’s journal together and reminiscing about our early days of fatherhood. I’d so love to have a baby around again. Hmm,” Todd softly mused. “I must let Zack know I’m ready to become a grandfather.”

Hayden reached down and gave Todd’s butt a gentle swat. “You will not start pressuring those boys to have a child. That is something they will decide upon on their own. Am I understood?”

“Yes, my love,” Todd responded obediently. He crossed his fingers behind his back just in case.

“Come here you,” Hayden commanded. Pulling Todd into a hard kiss, he quickly sought entrance to the compliant mouth and held the kiss for several moments before breaking it enough to growl, “Need you now.” Todd was rolled onto his back and Hayden began to work his way down his lover’s body, sucking and nipping on the tender flesh, leaving a trail of little love marks until he reached his goal. He drew Todd’s ridged member into his mouth, sucking deeply as he gently rolled his balls in the palm of his hand, eliciting a moan of pleasure from the handsome man. Somehow he managed to reach the lube from the nightstand while never taking his mouth away from its’ work.

He pumped some lube into his hand and began the job of carefully preparing his lover while he continued to provide oral stimulation. By the time he had three fingers sliding into him, Todd was arching up off the bed. Hayden slowly released the glistening penis from his mouth and grinned up at his husband. “Feel good, baby?”

Todd’s only response was to groan as his husband’s finger scrapped over his prostate.

Hayden pulled himself up and knelt between Todd’s widely spread legs. He aligned himself at the well-prepared opening and thrust in firmly. Hayden had to hold the younger man against the bed when Todd bucked up each time his sweet spot was hit.

All too soon, Hayden felt the rising of his impending orgasm. He quickly took Todd’s member into his hand and pumped in time to his trusts. “Come for me, baby!” he cried as he filled his lover with his seed.

Again, Todd responded obediently. He couldn’t have stopped himself had he wanted to; which he didn’t, due to him being a quivering mass of sensation. His body had risen and fallen in time to his husband’s powerful thrusts until it reached the crescendo it sought. Within seconds of his lover’s command, he was gasping out his climax and shooting over his stomach and Hayden’s hand.Todd dreamily gazed up at his husband. He was spent, limp and covered in a fine sheen of sweat. Hayden grinned down at him with an expression of satisfaction and pride in a job well done. Todd cheekily returned the grin.

The End