Marie's Journal

The Trilogy – Part Two

Co-written by: Mel and LJ


“Thanks, Dad.” Zack smiled and accepted the key from his father. He unlocked the front door to Marie’s house, pushed it open and stood back to allow his parents and husband to enter ahead of him.

After an uneventful drive down from Jade Heights yesterday, the four men had arrived at their hotel with plenty of time to freshen up before meeting in the dining room for their evening meal. They had retired reasonably early with plans to get over to the house as soon after breakfast as possible.

“I’ll get a couple of windows opened to let the place air out some,’ Zack suggested, stepping out of his shoes. “Then we can look around and decide what needs doing and how to go about getting it all done ASAP.”

Rene had been slightly disappointed that Professor Teasdale had not been home when they picked up the keys. He’d hoped for a chance to see her again. Her partner had handed them the house keys along with an explanation that the Professor had a showing that weekend and would try to connect with them prior to their departure.

However, all thoughts of his old professor left his mind as he entered the home of Zack’s late mother. He removed his shoes at the front entry, not wanting to track any dirt on the cream-coloured carpeting that began at the entry to the living room. The house was impeccably decorated, though it was obvious that many things had already been removed. They had expected this as it was explained that Marie had given away a lot of personal effects before her passing.

Rene let out a soft gasp when he saw a beautiful baby grand piano standing by the window in the living room. The one thing he missed from living with his parents was the piano. Though they’d never had anything as special as a baby grand, the old upright had been like a place of refuge for him where he could lose himself in the music and for a short while forget about his troubles. He casually made his way over to the instrument and ran a gentle hand over the polished wood.

Zack quietly moved over to stand behind his husband. He wrapped his arms around the slighter man’s waist and placed his chin on Rene’s shoulder. “Do you like that, sweetheart?” Although his partner lacked extensive formal training on the piano, Zack was aware of the younger man’s ability to play the instrument. “If you want it, babe, it’s yours.”

Rene’s eyebrows shot up at Zack’s suggestion. “A baby grand? Oh no, I don’t play well enough for such a piano. Maybe a little electronic keyboard or something would be nice to get someday, but something like this should be with a person who deserves it. Your mother must have been good to own such an instrument.” He leaned back into his husband’s embrace and let out a gentle sigh.

“I don’t think your level of expertise has anything to do with whether or not you can have such an instrument, honey. The piano now belongs to us, so it is just a matter of moving it to Jade Heights. Besides, if you were interested in doing so, you could always take lessons to improve your skills. I think Marie would approve of us having it in our home. What do you say now?”

Rene chewed his lip as he stared at the piano. It would be a wonderful thing to have. He turned in Zack’s arms and wrapped his own around the broad chest. “I’d love it, Zack, and I would like to take some more lessons. But what would we do with it? I mean it’s too big for the apartment. I know we’ve talked about a house but in the meantime, where would it go?”

“We’ll have to put it in storage for the time being. Somehow, I get the feeling it will not be the only piece of furniture we’ll be storing for use in the near future.” Zack smiled at his husband and reached up to gently rescue the lip that was being chewed on. “Let’s go see what treasurers Dad and Papa have discovered. I think they’re just down the hall.”

Being as they were in their sock feet and walking on carpeted floor, it enabled them to catch the older men enjoying a private moment. Zack chuckled and pointedly cleared his throat.

Hayden had followed suit with the others and removed his shoes at the front door. He wasn’t sure what exactly he’d expected, but this house spoke loudly of Marie VanDinther. He glanced into the living room where Zack and Rene had wandered before moving down the centre hallway. He looked into the formal dining room which was devoid of all furniture with the exception of a narrow side table.

Next to the dining room was a small den that held a beautiful bookcase with leaded glass doors, a roll top desk and an antique leather chair. On the wall above the desk hung a grouping of picture frames, each one held several photographs and each photo was instantly recognizable to Hayden; from the first of a newborn infant, through the school years to college graduation and finally one of a grown man standing proudly in front of his own pharmacy. Every picture of Zack he’d ever sent to Marie was carefully preserved on this wall.

He turned as he felt Todd move in beside him. “It’s reminiscent of the wall in our den, isn’t it, love?”

Todd stood in his socks feet, gazing at the display before them. He had one hand covering his mouth in an attempt to hold back the emotions threatening to overwhelm him. He cleared his throat in hopes of making himself heard. “It seems we’ve received one sign after another of exactly what Marie’s life-long gift entailed, haven’t we?” His voice cracked slightly as he backed up against Hayden’s chest and drew comfort from the arms enfolding him and the lips kissing the top of his head.

Hayden felt a sense of peace settle over him as he held Todd in his arms. This was the first time since Marie had shown up at their door that he felt at ease about things. Here in Marie’s home, seeing the evidence of her love for Zack and the good life she had made for herself gave him a level of comfort which had previously eluded him. “It’s almost as if I can feel Marie here in this room, it feels so warm and happy here. I’m glad we all came down together. It’s only right for family to take care of these final pieces of her life.”

Todd nodded as his spiraling emotions finally settled down. “They’ll have to be carefully packed for the trip home. I hope Zack will want to hang them somewhere in their apartment.” He turned in the arms holding him and happily returned the hug with enthusiasm and contentment. He went up on his on his toes to heartily kiss his husband.

His husband’s kiss tasted of coffee and Hayden held him, enjoying the warmth of the moment. He was broken from his pleasure at the sound of their son noisily clearing his throat as he and Rene entered the den. Hayden released the kiss and smiled at the two younger men. “There’s something here you should see,” he said indicating the wall above the desk.

Spotting a blush of embarrassment slowly creeping up Rene’s face, Todd grinned and winked at the younger man. “We’ll always be young lovers at heart, Piglet. We can only hope the same for you and your man.” he softly whispered as he put an arm around Rene’s shoulders and steered him over to look at the photos.

Rene smiled at Todd. “I hope so too.” He was growing to love his fathers-in-law more all the time. They were so different from his own parents. Their demonstrativeness and lightheartedness never failed to put him at ease. Now he stood in the home of Zack’s late mother and knew just why his husband was as solid and good a man as he was. He came from such a terrific family. Two dads who adored him and a birth mother from whom he inherited far more than just an estate. He believed this woman’s kindness and generosity must have been genetically ingrained and passed on to her son.

Zack stopped in his tracks and gazed up at the pictures for several moments, thunderstruck to see them all on display. He turned a quizzical look at his father. No words were needed as the questions in his eyes were easy enough to read.

“I sent them to Marie, Son. It was a promise I made to her on the day you were born; that each year on your birthday I would send her a photo. It allowed her to maintain a limited, though distant contact with you.” After waiting a suitable time to allow Zack to take in the display, Hayden spoke up. “What do you say we get on with things here? I think we have a lot of sorting and packing to do.”

“I’d like to keep these photos, Dad. If we wrap them carefully, do you think we’d be able to take them home with us on Sunday?”

“Of course. We have plenty of room in the trunk of the car.”

“I’ll go find something to wrap them in,” Todd offered. Not waiting for a response, he headed for the door on his self-assigned quest. Glancing over his shoulder, he issued an invitation. “Would you like to accompany me, Rene? Maybe we can do a bit of exploring on our own.”

“Sure!” Rene gladly followed his father-in-law. He was curious about what other treasures they might find.

The desk was the next thing to draw Zack’s interest. It was a large, oak roll-top of excellent workmanship. His eyes widened as he sat down in the matching chair and rolled back the top. “I want this,” he murmured in a slightly awed voice as he began opening and closing drawers. All were empty, with the exception of the middle one. There lay a lovely, richly bound, mahogany-covered book, slightly larger than an eight by eleven letter-size paper.

Taking it out of the drawer, Zack noticed it wasn’t titled. He opened the book and carefully flipped through the pages, soon realizing he was holding something of great importance to the woman who’d written it.

“Look at this, Dad,” he softly requested as he reverently handed the item to his father.

Hayden glanced through the journal. Each paged was filled with writing, all in Marie’s precise hand. He noted the dates of the entries as he flipped the pages. They progressed from less than two years prior to Zack’s birth through to the year after it. He realized this book would contain the answers to many of Zack’s questions about his birth mother. Having known Marie to be the special person she was, he knew that the answers would be good ones. “I think this just might be the most important thing you carry home today, son.”

Zack smiled his appreciation as he stood up, took the book back and place it on top of the desk. “I’ll take it back to the hotel with me.” Next he dug a small blue post-it note pad out of his pocket and pulled off two pieces before sticking one small square on the desk and the other on the wooden chair he had been sitting on.

“We’ll mark all the furniture we want to keep with one of these.” He waved the little pad in his hand. “I am going to make arrangements for the heavier pieces any of us would like to have, to be moved to Jade Heights; some of which will have to go into storage for a few months. All the rest can be picked up by the Goodwill truck that will be here sometime tomorrow morning. Does it sound like a good plan to you?”

“Couldn’t have planned it better,” Hayden replied with a smile. Zack was so like him in the way he organized things.

“See anything you’d like to have, Dad? Better speak up now, before Papa confiscates all we have room in the car for.” Zach laughed when he saw the look of lovingly exasperation on his father’s face.

“There are some beautiful books in the case here that I’d like,” he murmured as he perused the shelf. “It seems Marie had a very interesting and eclectic taste in her reading material. They would make a great addition to my library.”

“Then let’s pack them up.”

Todd and Rene returned with several linen sheets, and the day’s work got underway. First the pictures were taken down, wrapped protectively in the sheets and packed securely in the trunk of Hayden’s car. They were eventually joined by over three dozen books, leaving room for very little else.

Together, they methodically went from room to room, sorting and packing as they did so, and putting aside a few more items chosen as mementos.

Zack had smiled when he’d seen his husband’s eyes light up at the sight of a cappuccino machine on the kitchen counter. “Wrap it up and take it out to the car, love,” he had instructed, much to the younger man’s delight.

At one point during the morning, Zack had heard Todd owing and awing over some item he had stumbled upon in the dining room. Not that Zack blamed him when he saw what had attracted his father’s attention. It was an antique crystal punch-bowl, complete with a dozen matching cups and a ladle.

“It’s yours, Papa, if you want it.”

“Oh, Piglet!” Todd had squealed his glee and thrown his arms around his son’s neck, planting a noisy kiss on Zack’s cheek. Then he rushed of to enlist Rene’s help in gathering up materials to gently wrap the delicate pieces in, leaving a bemused man behind.

Once packed to Todd’s exacting expectations, Zack was called over to carry it out to the car. He lifted the box and was surprised at the weight of it. “I bet the packing you two used, out-weighs the items you’re trying to protect,” he teased. He soon had Todd’s pride and joy safely situated in the middle of the trunk and surrounded by enough things to keep it from shifting during the drive home. He was about to close the lid when Todd breathlessly appeared at his side with a couple of large quilts in his arms.

“I want to make sure everything is nice and snug,” Todd explained as he tossed the quilts over the articles and vigorously tucked the thick material into every nook and cranny.

Zack chuckled at his Papa taking these extra precautions. He hoped to heavens his Dad didn’t hit too many rough spots on the drive home. God knows, Papa would never let his husband forget it if any of the punch-bowl set got damaged.

By late afternoon, everything was in order and four tired men were anxious to get back to their hotel rooms, where they could freshen up and make plans for the evening.

After making a couple of phone calls, Zack learned where the Teasdale Art Showing was being held and surprised his husband by taking him to see it.

Rene thoroughly enjoyed the exhibit and the subsequent visit they had with his former professor. Lily Teasdale was surprised when she saw her former student with the man who had been her best friend’s son. She went from surprised to shocked, when she discovered they were married. She insisted they join her for coffee and dessert after the show where they spent almost two hours talking. They talked about art and were also regaled with some wonderful stories of Marie, which delighted both the men.

Rene was buzzing when they got back to their hotel. The two espressos he’d had with dessert had given him a nice caffeine rush. A rush which he would have gladly increased except Zack had cut him off when he went to place his order for another of the strong coffees.

Saturday night found Marie’s lovely home completely devoid of furnishings; only appliances, carpet and window dressings remained. The house was ready to put on the market. Only the Baby Grand and piano bench, the antique roll-top desk and chair along with the large bookcase had been carted away to be put into storage in a Kelowna warehouse.
With the exception of a few keepsakes that the men had claimed as their own, everything else had been gratefully picked-up by the Goodwill people.

Sunday morning dawned nice and sunny; perfect for a leisurely trip home to Jade Heights.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Zack and Rene sat close together, leaning back against the headboard of their big bed. Piles of pillows comfortably supported their backs and the bedside lamps were casting a warm glow as the men settled in for a Sunday evening of reading and contemplation.

Zack stared at the article in his hand for several long moments. Was he prepared to read the private thoughts of the woman who had brought him into this world? He had been on an emotional rollercoaster for several weeks now and wondered if he could deal with anything else. Taking a deep breath to strengthen his resolve, he opened the book and began to read.

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November 15, 1978

Well here I am, pen and book in hand with no idea what to write. Dr. Whitney has been after me for the past six months to start a journal. She tells me it is good therapy and will help me to explore my feelings. So I guess I’ll start at the place where all my troubles began.

On July 6th 1977, two months and four days before my eighteenth birthday, my parents, Claire and Peter VanDinther, were killed by a drunk driver. My only other living relatives were, an aunt, an uncle and some assorted cousins in Holland, where my parents were born.

Even though I was almost eighteen, they still put me in the care of the children’s aid society until my birthday. Since it was such a short time, they didn’t bother trying to find a foster family for me. Instead I was stuck in a group home for trouble youth with the explanation that they didn’t have another placement that could take me on such short term.
Somehow word got around the home that I had no interest in boys. A couple of the girls started harassing me, calling my dyke and butch. They poured fish oil all over my clothes, staining them and leaving a smell I could not get out despite repeated washing. I woke one morning to find a big chunk had been cut out of my waist length hair. My records and books had been spray-painted with vulgar symbols and words. I felt like my whole world had come to an end.

On my eighteenth birthday, I packed what was left of my belongings, went out and got my hair buzzed short and took a bus to meet with my court appointed attorney and my social worker. It was explained to me that by the time my parents’ funeral costs and debts had been paid, I had a grand total of four thousand, three hundred and sixty two dollars, and a storage room filled with furniture and assorted household and personal goods that had belonged to my parents. The house that we had lived in had been a rental, leaving me with no home to which I could return. Social services helped me get a basement apartment and assisted in moving the things out of storage so I wouldn’t have to pay rent on that as well. My dreams of college and traveling the world died with my parents. All I could do then was try to and survive.

Three weeks after I moved into my apartment, I got a job as a file clerk with the little law firm where I am still working. It’s a starting position, but it pays the rent so I don’t have to dip into the money I got from my parents. I hope to get the job as the receptionist when the current girl, Beverly, goes on maternity leave in a few months. It pays a dollar more an hour and is a lot nicer job than filing eight hours a day.

I’ve been feeling really lonely so I got permission from my landlady to get a kitten and went to the shelter and got the cutest little bundle of orange fur. I spend a few dollars on supplies but he’s worth it. I named him Simon. He’s so sweet; if I can only get him to stop peeing on the chair and start using the litter box.

January 20th, 1979

I got the receptionist job at work. Lida, the office manager, told me I wouldn’t have got it if I hadn’t ‘improved my appearance’. I’ve grown my hair out a bit. Despite my earlier attempt to look butch, it’s just not me. Though God knows I’m attracted to butch women. There is one who is a bus driver on the route I take to work and God, is she gorgeous! I talk to her almost every day but I haven’t gotten the courage to even ask her name yet.

I ran into Jenny and Petra from the old neighbourhood today. I was so jealous hearing them talk about their university classes and things they are doing. Petra is taking the cultural studies course I had dreamed of taking. My life is so different than I ever expected or wanted.

I’m not having the nightmares anymore so I guess Dr. Whitney is right, the therapy is helping. Though I still have days when it’s really hard just to get out of bed and go to work. Maybe she’s also right about getting out of this basement apartment. I don’t get much light down here and it is depressing. I make enough now to get a little bachelor apartment with a balcony. I would like to keep the cheaper place if I could save enough money to go to university...but... who am I kidding anyway? It’s not like I’ll ever be able to stop working full time and go to university. I guess I should just do what all the people at the office tell me and go to night school to improve my typing skills and learn dictation so I can be a secretary.

February 18th, 1979

I think one of the junior partners in the firm is gay. I’ve seen him with the same guy several times. They meet for lunch in a cafe nearby. Though they are discrete, I recognise the looks they give one another.

I’ve been going to Sparks Pool Hall and Bar a couple of nights a week. It’s just off the U.B.C. campus. The owner, Delia, is a huge old dyke with a heart of gold in her left hand and a baseball bat in her right one. No one makes trouble at Sparks. It’s a nice safe place to chill out and meet other women.

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Zack lowered the book and glanced at the man curled up against his side. “This started off on a sad note, didn’t’ it? Poor Marie really hit a mega bumpy patch in her later teens with the death of her parents,” he murmured. “It’s good to read of things taking a turn for the better and of her meeting new friends.”

Rene nodded. “Yeah, can’t imagine what it would have been like; she must have been frightened to be alone like that at such a young age.”

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March 3rd, 1979

When I arrived at Sparks last night, Delia and several women were gathered around the bar. Their voices were angry and upset, so I asked one of the regulars what was going on. She told me that the building the bar was in had been bought by some guy that wanted to throw Delia out. Apparently he was angry when he found out that Delia was a lesbian and that the bar patrons were mostly all lesbians. But Delia had a five year lease and was going to fight the owner.

While we were talking, a man walked in. Though there were a number of men that came and went, it was not common to see a man dressed in a tailored suit and carrying a briefcase. I was shocked though when I recognised him. It was Hayden Pierce, the junior partner from the firm and the one I suspected of being gay. Our eyes met and of course he knew me immediately. I could see he was about to talk to me when Delia’s voice called out. “Hayden sweetheart, thank you so much for coming!” She ran as fast as she could move and engulfed him against her ample bosom.

He met with Delia and her friends for almost an hour while I played a couple of games of pool with my friends. Once he’d finished, he approached me and quietly asked if we could talk. I didn’t need to hear his words to know what he was going to say. He needed me to keep his association with Delia and the bar out of the office. I assured him I understood the circumstances at the firm; a junior partner could hardly afford to be outed.

He bought me a drink and we talked about how difficult it is leading a double-life and how sad it is, having to do so. Mr. Pierce...Hayden is a really nice guy. If I were into men, I’d go for him in a moment. Well, except that he’s taken. He told me that he and his partner just got married; they had a commitment ceremony and everything. We talked for a quite a while until he said he needed to get home before his husband started to panic. It’s so great to hear a man be able to call his partner, husband.

March 29th, 1979

I can’t believe how great it is to be helping out in Delia’s fight to keep Sparks. Hayden Pierce approached me about helping him get the legal papers typed up during my off hours. I met his husband Todd yesterday when I dropped some documents off at their house. He was really sweet and funny; Hayden says he’s a dentist. They are such a cute couple and obviously very much in love.

On Delia’s recommendation, I’ve subscribed to a news magazine from Toronto called The Other Woman. It has some really radical points of view on feminism and women’s rights. I like a lot of what they say, but some of it is too over-the-top for me. A bunch of us have been talking about starting our own periodical for lesbians in Vancouver. It would be so cool to do be involved in something like that.

March 30th, 1979

I had to rush Simon to the vet this morning. He ran out the door when I was getting the mail and got hit by my landlady’s car. My landlady was very upset and kindly drove us to the vet’s office. The vet said he needed an operation and that along with the care he’d need and medicine it is going to cost me almost $1200. I know some people think I’m nuts to spend that kind of money on a cat, but he’s my only family and I just can’t bear to let him go. So I had to take it out of the bit of money I had from my parents.

May 7th, 1979

We won the case! Hayden was able to convince the building owner to desist in his attempts to evict Delia. We’re having a celebration dinner at Hayden and Todd’s place tomorrow night. Hayden says Todd is a great cook and we have a wonderful meal to look forward to.

May 11th, 1979

Last evening at Hayden and Todd’s home was incredible. I’ve never seen two people who are better together than they are. Todd was incredibly gracious and made everyone feel at home. They have a beautiful house with a good size property around it. Everything inside was beautiful, like something out of a magazine, but it was still very homey and warm. I asked if they’d used a designer to decorate and was told that Todd did it all.

There were seven of us including them for dinner. We were well fed and talked for hours. When Delia pulled out some pictures of her grandchildren, Todd got kind of teary-eyed. Hayden hugged him and explained that they wanted so badly to have a child but that it was next to impossible for gay men to adopt. He said they were trying to find a woman who would be a willing surrogate for them, but that it was so difficult to find someone willing to carry a baby and then turn the child over to them.

I’ve done nothing but think about Hayden and Todd since last night. They have so much to offer a child. You can just tell they’d love him or her to pieces and the child would grow up in a wonderful home.

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“It’s kind of neat reading someone else’s take on one’s parents when they were so much younger,” Zack mused. He smiled at the face turned up to him and kissed his lover’s nose. “What do you think of all this so far, sweetheart?”

Rene smiled and snuggled in closer to his husband. “It’s really quite incredible to have this view into how you came to be. I’m so glad she kept this journal.”

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May 26th, 1979

When I was growing up, my mother used to say the greatest gift she every got was me. She’d had a real hard time getting pregnant and had several miscarriages before I was born. She said there is no greater gift on earth than a child. I cannot think of two people more deserving of that gift than Hayden and Todd Pierce.

I talked to Dr. Whitney about Hayden and Todd and told her what I was thinking about. The poor woman thinks I’m off my rocker. I’m sure she’s ready to call the men in the little white jackets out for me.

But she’s wrong about my motives. I really believe this is something I can do and never regret. She kept asking me if I thought I could hand over a child I’d carried for nine months and never be a part of their life, never see them again. Yes, I really think I can. It’s not that I wouldn’t want to see the child, but I think if I did do this it would be better if I didn’t. This child would not be mine; it would be Hayden and Todd’s. I’d know that right from the start or I never could do this. If I can give this wonderful couple a child, give them a family, I think my mother would be proud.

June 4th, 1979

Well I did it! I asked Hayden if we could talk at lunch today. We met at Fran’s Cafe and I told him over a grilled cheese sandwich that I’d like to offer to be a surrogate mother for him and Todd. He was absolutely speechless for about three minutes. Though I’ve been thinking about nothing but this since that dinner at their home, Hayden didn’t even have an inkling that I was considering it.

After he regained his voice, we talked until I had to get back to work. He had a lot of questions very similar to Dr. Whitney about why I wanted to do this and what I wanted out of it. We arranged to meet again after work and talk further. I suggested meeting with Todd but he said he wanted to know more before taking it to his husband. I think he is very protective of Todd and doesn’t want to get his hopes up if this isn’t going to work.

We talked for almost two hours after work. Though he was subtle about the way he asked, I knew Hayden wanted to know what I wanted to get from this. But I think by the time we were done talking, he believed me when I said I wasn’t after anything but the satisfaction of knowing I’d done the right thing.

He told me that if we went ahead that they would pay all expenses, including maternity clothing and any medical costs that aren’t covered by the provincial plan like vitamins and a private room in the hospital. They’d pay my salary for all the time I’d need off work, up to and including the full pregnancy and several months after, if I didn’t feel comfortable being a single pregnant woman at the office. Hayden even promised he’d find me a better job for afterwards if I did quit this one.

When we finally parted, he said he was going to talk with Todd and they’d call me. Thirty minutes after I got home, my phone rang and a sobbing Todd was on the line thanking me.

June 18th, 1979

I had an appointment with Dr. Rosenthal today. She’s an OB/GYN and a friend of Todd’s. She examined me and asked a million questions about my periods and health. I had to get a pile of blood tests done and I have to chart my periods and take my temperature every day for the next two months. She said once they feel confident about the date of my ovulation, they will try the first insemination.

August 23rd, 1979

Well, today was the day I went for the first attempt at insemination. Hayden and Todd both went to the clinic with me, though of course they had to stay in another room. I have to confess felt kind of creepy when the doctor actually put the semen in me. I’ve never been with a man before and suddenly here I was lying with my feet in stirrups, having Hayden Pierce’s sperm put in my vagina. Oh yeah, they decided on it being Hayden’s biologically. I never asked why as that’s not really my business. One way or the other; that part of it was a bit uncomfortable but still I know what I’m doing is right.

I had to lie on the table for thirty minutes to help increase the odds that this will take, then we go back tomorrow and do this all over again and the next day as well! They say those are the three best days during my cycle to get pregnant.

September 9th, 1979

My period should have started three days ago. I’m always as regular as clock work so I think it must have taken. I’m not going to say anything to Hayden or Todd until the doctor has confirmed it. I called and made an appointment for a week from now. Then I guess we’ll find out for sure.

September 20th, 1979

Well it’s really happened. I got the call back from Dr. Rosenthal’s office. The test is positive; I am pregnant. I am going to meet with Hayden and Todd this evening to tell them.

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“Although I can just imagine how Papa reacted when Marie told them her news,” Zack chuckled, “I still would have liked to have been a fly on the wall.”

“Ya, it’s always fun watching your Papa when he gets excited. Though I think I would have like to see the look on your Dad’s face, he reminds me so much of you and I can only imagine how pleased you’d look in similar circumstances,” Rene replied.

“You’re right; it would have been neat to have seen Dad’s reaction, too.” Zack nodded his agreement after a giving the idea a couple of moment’s thought.

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September 20th, cont’d.

What an evening! I’m still reeling from the whole thing. I knew when I got there that they were on the edge of their seats waiting for the news. After all it wasn’t exactly a surprise, but still the looks on their faces were wonderful. I only wish I’d had a camera to capture the moment on film. When I said you two are going to be daddies in about eight months, Todd literally squealed and Hayden was beaming. They both must have said thank you to me about a hundred times.

Todd ran from the room and came back with a bag full of books and brochures, and six bottles of prenatal vitamins. He enthusiastically described each book and its’ merits as they detailed pregnancy and all the latest ‘must dos’ for giving birth to a healthy baby. He went on and on until Hayden stepped in and suggested that I might be a bit overwhelmed and that he should allow me to read them myself. I was grateful for the reprieve, though I also felt good knowing that they want to do what’s best for their child.

I was fed a wonderful meal with a large assortment of vegetables and fruits, and then taken home with multiple containers of leftovers and bags of fruit of which Todd apparently ‘just happened’ to have purchase too much for their use. I am apparently to be ferried to and from work and all my doctor’s appointments. Todd is adamant that I not take the bus where I ‘might get jostled about’.

I was shown the bedroom that would become the baby’s nursery and Todd carried on about Winnie-the-Pooh wallpaper and colours and music that would stimulate the baby’s mind. Then I was subtly shown the spare bedroom that was ‘just sitting there empty’ and wouldn’t it be nice if I’d consider living there throughout the duration of the pregnancy. I had to draw the line there. I need to maintain my autonomy, though I thanked them very much for the offer. Todd looked ready to work on persuading me but Hayden seemed to understand what I was saying and the subject thankfully was closed.

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Rene giggled. “So the Winnie-the-Pooh and Piglet thing started even before you were born.”

“It sure looks like it.” Zack joined in the light laughter. “I know I certainly can’t remember a time when it hasn’t been around.”

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October 31st, 1979

I have had a few bouts of nausea the last couple of weeks but this morning was the first time I vomited. God, I hate that feeling. But fortunately it passed quickly and I felt good the rest of the day. My biggest complaint so far is feeling very tired. I get home from work and it’s all I can do to stay awake long enough to get changed and eat. I’ve read that this is all normal at this point in pregnancy but it isn’t easy to cope with.

The guys take me grocery shopping every week now and won’t allow me to pay a penny towards it. Hayden insists that I pick out food that I enjoy and not just the things on the healthy pregnancy diet list that Todd created. They are both so sweet to me. Every morning when Hayden picks me up for work, he brings me tea and a fruit salad that has been freshly made along with homemade muffins that are to die for. He always walks me to the car and opens and closes the door for me. I feel like royalty.

November 25th, 1979

Saw Dr. Rosenthal today. She says I’m doing really well and am moving into the second trimester soon. I went to Sparks last night and had a very nice time even though I didn’t drink. Some students from U.B.C were there talking about classes and professors. I listened in, trying to live a bit of the university life if only vicariously.

I met a wonderful woman named Sharon who is serious about starting a periodical for lesbians in the Vancouver area. We talked for hours and have come up with the name ‘Women for Women’. Sharon, myself, and Tonya, who is a waitress at Sparks, and Lizzie, a U.B.C. student are going to meet again on Monday to work out some details on publishing and distribution.

I told Delia about the pregnancy. She questioned me for a long while about my motivations and feelings about giving up the baby, but I in the end she was really pleased. She’s very fond of Hayden and Todd, and I know she only wants everyone to be happy.

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“I knew that was how that publication came into being,” Zack commented, lowering the journal for a moment. “It was mentioned several times at Marie’s funeral.”

Rene pushed the diary back up; strongly hinting he wanted Zack to stop talking and to continue reading.

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December 22nd, 1979

I went for an ultrasound exam today. Hayden and Todd both came with me. It was really incredible seeing the baby, though of course it’s not exactly a clear picture. We did get a good look at his or her head and arms and could actually see the tiny heart beating. They said they really can’t tell at this point if it’s a boy or girl. Even later it’s not one hundred percent sure, so no one should plan on anything from an ultrasound.

February 24th, 1980

It’s been a while since I’ve written anything, but the eighties didn’t start out very well for me. I had a lovely Christmas; Hayden and Todd showered me with gifts, including some beautiful maternity wear, perfume, and certificate for a day at Estee Lauder. They invited me to join them for Christmas dinner, but I declined as I had an invitation from Sharon to spend the day with her. It was a wonderful day until she was driving me home that evening. She hit a patch of ice and lost control of the car. I remember feeling the car begin to skid then I knew nothing else until I woke up in the hospital.
I had a horrendous headache and felt terribly confused. I was told I had a concussion and a broken ankle. They said I would be okay but given my condition they needed to keep me in hospital for several days of observation. They assured me that Sharon was fine and at home resting after having been discharged with some minor cuts and bruises.

When I woke again, Hayden and Todd were sitting by my side. Todd appeared to have been crying and I was momentarily afraid I’d lost the baby. However, Hayden quickly reassured me that the baby was fine; they were just worried about me. In the end, I was kept in hospital for seven days as I was so nauseated from the effects of the concussion that I couldn’t hold anything down.

And so despite my earlier resistance, I ended up being Hayden and Todd’s house guest for the last eight weeks. With my ankle in a cast and suffering from some dizzy spells and headaches, living alone wasn’t an option. They hired a nurse to stay with me in the daytime while they were at work and took care of me themselves in the evenings and weekends.
I did have the most wonderful moment though in mid-January. I was laying on the sofa in their living room reading a book when I felt the oddest little fluttering in my belly. It happened several times before I realized what it was. The baby, I could feel it moving! Todd was in the kitchen making diner and he was got so excited when I called him. Though the movement was too slight for him to feel, he still sat for ages with his gentle hand on my stomach trying in vain to detect the motion. If it weren’t for the smoke alarm going off, I’m sure he’d have sat there a lot longer. Hayden walked in the door just as the buzzing began. He didn’t seem well pleased to find the kitchen filled with smoke from the burned dinner that Todd had neglected to turn off while he was sitting with me.

During the time I stayed with them, I noticed that they handled any of life’s little conflicts very swiftly. I never heard them fighting or yelling. A couple of times they excused themselves and went to their bedroom. They came back a while later, obviously having worked things out. Though Todd appeared a bit red-eyed, they seemed happily over whatever the issue had been as they would be especially attentive of each other. It made me feel good knowing the baby would be raised in such a loving environment.

Thank goodness the cast came off yesterday. I’m feeling much better, so I returned to my apartment today. It was hard to convince Todd that I would be okay on my own. He’s very dear, but a real mother hen.

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Zack and Rene both burst out laughing. “Who’d of thought?” Zack choked out and hugged Rene closer.

“Yeah, seems he’s never changed.” Rene giggled.

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March 2nd, 1980

I really started to show since the accident and finally made the decision to give my notice at work rather than try and return after being off so long and looking very obviously pregnant.

As promised Hayden and Todd have been taking care of my expenses and Hayden has already got a new job lined up for me at a very prestigious law firm, starting the beginning of August. My due date is June sixth, so that will give me plenty of time to recover and be ready to work again.

March 18th, 1980

Sharon and I started to work on ‘Women for Women’ again. We hope to have the first issue ready for print next month. It’s been so exciting working on this. It’s just what I’ve needed to keep me busy since being off work.

Dr. Rosenthal is very pleased with my progress. The baby is kicking up a storm now. Todd finally felt the movement yesterday when he was taking me for my appointment. He was absolutely ecstatic and insisted we meet Hayden for lunch afterwards so that he could feel it as well. The two of them are so cute.

April 3rd, 1980

I’m not sure what’s happening with Todd lately but he seems to get nervous whenever I talk about the baby. Though he seems just as happy and excited, there seems to be something about me that’s bothering him. I wish I could pin down just what it is.

The baby is keeping me awake at night. He seems to feel the need take up dancing in there the minute I want to go to sleep. I’ve decided the baby is a ‘he’. I had another ultrasound last week and I was sure I could see little boy parts in the picture. Though the technician won’t confirm anything, I spoke to her privately while I was dressing and asked her opinion of what I believed I saw. She grinned and nodded, then officially denied knowing anything.

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“Those ‘little’ boy parts of yours were standing out early.” Rene teased.

“Very amusing, Brat; bet you’d glad I learned to do so much with them,” Zack returned the teasing with a wide grin.

Rene’s face lit up. “You gonna show me again later?”

“I’m sure I can rise to the occasion.” Zack smiled into the blue eyes shining up at him for several moments before returning to the matter at hand with a murmured, “Hmm, where were we?”

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April 17th, 1980

‘Women for Women’ is in print! It’s only a small periodical but we’re all very proud of it. It’s being handed out around the U.B.C. campus and so far the feedback we’re getting is very positive.

My article on surrogacy seems to have stirred up a lot of talk; some positive but also a lot of negative. I don’t mind the negative really, to me it means I’ve got people thinking and that’s what this is all about.

May 8th, 1980

I’m as big as a whale. Just under a month until my due date and I’m ready to get this done NOW! I can’t sleep very comfortably; my back is achy, my ankles are swollen, and I have heartburn every time I try and lie down.

Hayden and Todd are being very supportive and doing all they can to make me as comfortable as possible. Todd still seems nervous as if he’s afraid of something bad happening.

They both actually went out and got pagers so that I could reach them 24/7 when the time comes. They tried to convince me to stay with them again but I really need to be on my own. I can’t let myself become too close to them; it will just be too hard to let go in the end if I do.

It just occurred to me what might be bothering Todd. He may be nervous about me letting go. I’m going to have to work on assuring him that I know this baby belongs to them. I haven’t written this down before now because I’ve been afraid to even think it for more than a fleeting second. But I know now that it will be the hardest thing I ever do, giving up this baby. If Todd’s picking up on that, it would certainly be cause for his nervousness.

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Zack felt his chest tighten at the thought of his Papa being troubled be feelings of uncertainty. He was fully aware of how long his parent had lived under that cloud and some of the fallout that had resulted from it.

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May 23rd, 1980

I had a session with Dr. Whitney today. We discussed my feelings for the baby and how hard it’s going to be to give him up. The one and only thing that keeps me strong through this is knowing he’ll have so much love from his two daddies he really won’t need a mother at all.

June 5th, 1980

I’m ready to pop. I have been having all the signs that the end is nearing. Dr. Rosenthal says it could be any day and of course, my due date is tomorrow.

June 5th, cont’d.

It’s ten-thirty at night and I’ve been getting some pretty strong contractions over the last couple of hours. Sharon and Delia have been holding my hand to help me stay focused. They both think I’m nuts to be sitting here writing in a journal while in labour, but I wanted to write this down while it’s fresh. I haven’t called the guys yet. I’m going to wait until the contractions are more regular and closer together.

June 6th, 1980

It’s three-twenty a.m. and this will be my last entry before giving birth. I’ve just called the guys and they’re on the way to meet us at hospital. Delia is going to drive us there as my water just broke and things are moving along fast. Wow, I can’t believe it’s really happening!

June 10th, 1980

Zachary William Pierce was born at eight-ten in the morning of June sixth. He weighed eight pounds and fifteen ounces, just a hair short of nine pounds, and was twenty-two inches long; a big baby! He actually came on his due date, which someone told me is kind of unusual for a first baby. He’s so beautiful. He has a head of dark hair and very dark blue eyes; though they say that his eye colour will likely change, given my eyes are brown and Hayden’s are hazel. I held him for a few minutes after he was born and again yesterday morning before Hayden and Todd took him home from the hospital.

They left me alone with him for a short while so I could say good-bye. It was the truly was the hardest thing I’ve ever done. It was so bitter sweet, knowing what I was giving up and yet knowing it was right. I told him that his mother’s love would be with him throughout his life even if he never knew it.

And yes, I did do the right thing. If there was ever any doubt on my part, it was put to rest when I saw the looks on Hayden and Todd’s faces the first time they each held Zachary in the delivery room. I’ve never before seen such naked love and joy. I had arranged to have Hayden and Todd come into the delivery room just before the birth. I made them both promise to stay up near my head and not to look below the draping. It sounds kind of silly I guess, but I just wasn’t comfortable being exposed to the guys in that way. They were both perfect gentlemen and extremely grateful for the chance to see their son at the moment of his birth. I had fully expected to see Todd cry but was very touched when I saw the tears of joy streaming down Hayden’s face.

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“Reading this has given me a warm, fuzzy feeling,” Zack huskily whispered, somewhat awed at the emotions stirring in his chest. He cleared his throat and took a moment to get his voice under control before continuing to read out loud.

“It’s very special, Zack. I’m so glad you found it.” Rene too, was tearing up with emotion.

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Labour had been a lot more painful than I could have imagined. If it weren’t for Delia, I don’t know how I would have got through it; she was so supportive. In between contractions, we talked about life, hopes and desires. She’s a very special lady. I told her all about my dreams of university and the cultural studies course I’d wanted to take and how those dreams ended the day my parents were killed. She looked at me funny and told me never to give up on my dreams, that they might be closer than I could imagine.

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“I would have liked to have known her,” Zack murmured, a touch of sadness in his voice. “Not necessarily as my mother, but as a friend. I imagine had I pushed the issue, Dad might have relented and introduced us. But at the time in my life when I was asking questions about my biological mother, I realized how much my meeting her would upset Papa. While I don’t resent not having met her, at the same time I can’t help kind of wondering ‘what if’.” He glanced down at the love of his life. “Does this make sense, sweetheart?”

“Yeah, Zack, it makes a lot of sense. If you didn’t have such great dads, I think you would have resented not having a chance to know your mother. But you had such a solid, loving up-bringing, you weren’t missing anything. However, I think Marie would have been a wonderful person to know. You come from a very special family and I, for one, am very grateful to them for bringing you into the world.”

“Thank you, Baby,” Zack replied, grateful for his husband’s support and understanding. “Let’s see what else we can learn from this beautiful journal.”

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June 20th, 1980

I’m feeling much better now. My breasts have stopped hurting and my stomach is slowly getting back in shape. I’ve been doing sit ups and plan to start jogging to help me regain my figure. Hayden called me this morning and asked if he and Todd could come by and see me this evening. I was hesitant as I feel the need to heal more but they said they had something important to discuss with me. So I agreed but asked that they not bring the baby. God, it was so hard to say those words. I want to see him so much, but letting him go again would only break my heart, so I had to steel myself. I think they understand.

June 20th, cont’d.

Oh my God, I just can’t believe this! Hayden and Todd just left. I’m still in shock over what they’ve done for me. I’m going to U.B.C. starting in September! Those two are unbelievable. It seems they talked with Delia about what they could do to thank me for what I had done in giving them Zachary and she told them about my dreams for university.

Hayden apparently knows the Dean of Admissions at U.B.C. He said he made a few calls and got me a place in the fall semester. All I have to do is fill out some forms and I’m in. And what’s more, they’re paying the whole shot. For the next four years, I’ll be a full time student. Todd even found me a part time job with a colleague of his, where I can work ten hours a week from September through May and full time in the summer.

Delia has gotten in on the act too. She has a big old house not far from campus and has asked me to move in there with her. My whole life has turned around; my dreams are coming true.

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Zack quickly flipped through the remaining pages. “It appears that the journal goes on to describe a lot of Marie's experiences through her first year at university. I don’t know about you, sweetheart, but we’ve been reading now for almost two hours and I am starting to get a little stiff. Maybe we can read the rest at a later time.” He like the feeling engendered by the thought of having more to learn about the special woman his mother had been, in the near future.

Gently placing the book on his night table, Zack slide down in the bed and took his lover with him. He quickly had them divested of the t-shirts and boxers they’d been wearing. “I think a bit of exercise is in order,” he grinned as his hands roamed over his husband’s lithe body and they both instantly responded to the stimulus.

Rene reached down and grasped his husband’s growing erection. “I can see you are getting stiff, but I’d hardly call it little.” He grinned as he moved down under the covers and quickly had the hardened member engulfed in his mouth. He sucked Zack in deeply, revelling in the moans this elicited from his husband. Rene sucked and licked, working the sensitive underside and crown for several minutes until Zack pulled out of his mouth and drew Rene back up into his arms. Though slightly disappointed having this one pleasure taken from him, Rene knew Zack would more than make up for it.

Zack rolled him onto his back and placed a small pillow under his butt. He spread Rene’s legs out and up to gain access to the place he wanted most. Rene let out a gasp when he felt his lover’s lubed fingers entering him, stretching and exciting him with practiced certainty.

Once sure his husband was ready for his invasion; Zack placed the head of his engorged penis against his lover’s opening and slowly pushed into the welcoming warmth. Getting the angle just right, he repeatedly thrust in and out, hitting Rene’s sweet spot as often as possible.

Steadily building up speed and plunging deeper each time, Zack soon brought them both to the heights they sought and beyond. Moments after climaxing, Rene’s legs slide down to the bed as the slightly bigger man momentarily collapsed on top of him; then rolled over to stretch out at his side.

They lay there in the glow of sated bliss for several minutes, wrapped in each other’s arms as their heartbeats and breathing returned to normal and their bodies cooled. Zack barely got it together enough to clean them off with his t-shirt before sleep pulled at them and won.

The End